lol idk how do i titles anymore

ok so you guys remember Pocahontas right.

OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW COULD YOU NOT.

Well she got married.

but actually she got kidnapped and married and then she had a baby

welp.

OK LETS RECAP

POCAHONTAS WAS A PRETTY PRINCESS

but actually not we’re not sure if she actually had that title

also pocahontas was actually her nickname which means “The Spoiled One” or “The Playful One”

so she wasn’t really princess like whoops

SO IT’S 1609. John Smith (Not Smyth.) got exploded almost so he got shipped back to England. But he was alive k. And then some jerks were like “HEY POCAHONTAS UR BOIFRUNDS DED”

i have no idea why.

AND THEN IN 1613 SOME STUFF WENT DOWN YO

there was this dude named Samuel Argall who bribed these people with a pot? He told them to get Pocahontas on his ship and they were like “K”

SO Sam just kinda decided to use her for a ransom deal thing.

however this didn’t really go over too well.

Because the chief, Pocahontas’ daddy, was like “NO I’M NOT PAYIN U NUFFIN BRO KEEP HER.”

so pocahontas just chilled with the people. Got moved around a bit. Got taught English and some basic Christian stuff. They were actually pretty nice to her ish?

She was also baptised. And she took the English name of Rebecca.

ok this is not how disney went and i dont really think anybody wanted it to go down this road??????

Except for Pocahontas/Rebecca, of course.

ALSO SHE GOT MARRIED. To John Rolfe. she pretty much only married him so se get get freedom lulz welp

but he did love her so that’s really nice because he wrote love letters and all of those sweet things aaaaaaaa

Also her dad was like “NUUUUU” and did not attend the wedding

AND THEN THEY HAD A BABY BOY

his name was thomas

He was probably a really pretty baby ok i’m just sayin i yeah ok.

And then John decided to take POCAHONTAS (shes still pocahontas to me k) to England. And their baby.

So Pocahontas also got 12 Indians to piggyback along with her.

SO SHE GOT TO ENGLAND And she was nice and wore heels and BIG PRETTY FRILLY DRESSES OK I LOVE THOSE K THE BIG FRILLY DRESSES WITH ALL THE FANCY OK sorrry ignore me ahaahaha

BUT She basically went along “When in Rome, do as the Romans” business.

also apparently she ran into john smith once whoops that must have been rlly rlly awk ahaha yeah awkward turtle “Uhm you got married and had a kid. “Uhm I thought you were dead.”.

BUT when they were gonna go back to England, she got sick. And she was only 20 or 21 and she got really really sick so she just stayed in England. And died. And was buried there.

Thomas and John Rolfe went back to America, but then they got in a fight with the indians where Pocahontas was from welp

yep

well

the best ending ever right here yep.

lol titles who needs em

MORE SPANISH.

So this guy was at the Christopher Columbus parade! And he was like “WOOOOAH THIS GUY WENT TO THE NEW WOOOORLD OOOH~ AND OOOH THERE’S SOME PEOPLEEEE WITH HIM AND THEY’RE ALL INDIANSSSS AND THEY’RE ALMOST NAKEDDDD AND PRETTY JEWELRYYY.” And he was like 9 years old when he was like “WOOOOAH”.

But anyways. This guy’s name was Bartolome, but we’re gonna name him Bart.

Bart grew up SPAIN because Spain was rockin around the Renaissance. And he was a farmer and stuff. He went to America when he was about 18 and he was given a encomienda. ENCOMIENDA~!

Now what the heck is an encomienda?

I DUNNO LET’S FIND OUT.

You see, after the Spaniards settled down in ‘MERICUHH, they modeled the government after Spain. And the Spaniards still hard the feudal system. But they renamed the Feudal system for America the ENCOMIENDA SYSTEM~!

So basically they went over there and was like “HAI INDIANS. THIS LAND IS NOW MINE AND YOU’RE GONNA WORK FOR ME ON THIS LAND WHIC IS NOW MINE WHICH I JUST STOLE FROM YOU. I’M GONNA HIRE YOU AND LET YOU LIVE AND WORK ON MY LAND BECAUSE I’M A NICE GUY AND IT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!”

“O BAI THU WAI WE’RE GONNA FORCE YOU INTO SLAVERY AND CHRISTIANITY KTHNXBAI NOW GET TO WORK~!”

Yeah.

And Yes, Spanish do yell. Always. That’s why I put everything they say in all caps.

But! So they were really nice and let the Indians work ALLLLL DAYYY from before the sun rose ‘till long after the sun set! And because they were in the deserty-area, that means it got really really hot during they day, and really cold at night! Also, they provided some really failtastic Christian tecahers to help the Indians learn why they were being loved SO MUCH.

Anyway.

So back to Bart!

He was given an Encomineda, but he wasn’t like most Slave drivers encomineda owners. He actually gave his back to the Governor, and he became an ordained priest by the Catholic Church. So he went and helped conquer Cuba, and for his serviced, he was given an...

ENCOMINEDA~!

(And Indians.)

This means the system was still alive and well, so he went over to whine and complain to the king of Spain. And the King of Spain was annoyed so he told him to go away for a few years and “research” the encominedas. So he did. But when he came back, there was a new king who was like “WELL PROVE HOW BAD THESE THINGS ARE.” And Bart wanted to try his way of doing things, so he did.

So Bart set up a little farming colony in Venezuela. Here, the Indians had more freedom. And I wish I could say everything went hunky-dorey, but it didn’t. It failed miserably. The people liked the old system better, because in the old system they didn’t have to work and they didn’t have to pay the Indians a whole lot. And they got free land.

Bart was sad. But he still didn’t stop helping the Indians. He joined the Dominicans and started writing about how bad the Indians were treated. And Mr. P-to-da-ope got wind of this and he thought Bart was right.

This was good, because the Spanish king was like Oh no it’s the Pope gotta agree with him.” So he signed up some new laws and shtuff. Basically it prohibited Indian slavery, and two years later, Bart was made a Bishop in Guatemala. However, Bart got the cold shoulder and everyone was like “PFFT FORGET THIS.” and they just went right along with their little encominedas. This really brought Bart down so he resigned as Bishop, but he kept-a pressin’ on.

DEBATE TIME!

So Bart won this Debate between him and another guy whose name I pronounce about as well as I can spell it. But still, the encomineda system kept on and did not stop for a while.

And Bart kept writing, and he was speaking at councils and kept on doin’ that kind of thing until he died.

...

So...

Yeah.

Depressing.

Pounce De Lion, MERICUH, Indians, Oh My!

If anyone is unable to laugh at themselves, I kindly ask that you leave now.

BECAUSE I’M WRITING ABOUT GOOD OL’ NORTH ‘MERICUHH.

Now when people went traveling around ‘MERICUH, they killed lots of people. Who did they kill? THE ONLY INHABITANTS, NATIVE NORTH AMERICANS.

Otherwise known as Indians. And for the sake of simplicity, we’re gonna call them that.

Those Dora the Explorers were all up in the ‘MERICUHH, and they nicknamed it the Land Of Opportunity. And the Indians were like “Yeah. OUR Lands of Opportunity.” But unfortunately, the Indians did not speak whatever language the explorers spoke so they could not express this opinion without, you know, some neighborly bloodshed.

SO THIS GUY. His name was Juan Pontc de Leon. Otherwise knows as Pants, because that’s how his second name is pronounced. He was from Spain, and he had travelled with our old buddy Chris. He settled down in Central America, and he was made Governor of PUERTO R-R-RICO~ And the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ told him that up north there was a beautiful fountain that restored youth to the old and would give him the fountain of youth and awesomeness. Otherwise known as the Fountain of Youth. Annnd he believed it. So he hopped on a ship and sailed up north.

I’m guessing the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ didn’t like Pants very much.

Anyways, Pants went on sailin’ up to Florida.

As we all should know is that there is no Fountain Of Youth on the coast of Florida. Pants actually named Florida, except the name was a little longer. Pants tried to start a colony, but that didn’t really work out. Because the Indians.

And soon, ERRYONE wanted to move into Florida. But Florida is nice. I like Florida.

Including the French!

So France sent some explorers, but they were actually looking for a passage to China. Still. ANYWAYS, Francis the First of France sent out a guy towards ‘MERICUH, looking for a shortcut to China. Because China had all the shtuff. Which France did not have, apparently.

And while the explorer guy was running around, he bumped into Canada and was like “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there 4 MILLION SQUARE MILE MASS OF LAND.”

Anyways, this guy named Jacques Cartier sailed around Newfoundland and hung out around Quebec. And he met the Micmac (which is fun to say.) Who were horrible Indians who slaughtered him and his crew. ER, wait. Hang on.

No.

It’s exactly the opposite. They were wonderful people.

Anyways, so the guy met a lot of people and claimed the area for France by building a THIRTY FOOT TALL CROSS. And the Indians were confused with this. And they were like “Y u do diss.” So he lied and was like “IT’S A LAND MARK I MAKE IS SO BEUTIFUL.”

And that was the first mistake. But the Indians were like “Oh ok cool.” So he got best frands with the Chief and either jacked his kids or asked politely for his children. I dunno. Nobody does. Either way, they went on to France and taught them French and shtuff. He took them back to Quebec and gave them back to their dad. And on this trip, guy went and jacked Montreal. Sorta. He named it, at least. Er, he named the mountain. And he didn’t actually name it Montreal. He named it Mount Royal, which is kinda like Montreal.

So he didn’t really do a whole lot.

Anyways, Canada is really really REALLY cold. So he and his crew went on trekking through four foot deep snow, icey oceans, and the whole crew was nearly wiped out.

Herpderpfail.

So Jaqc jacked the chief and nine other peeps (Fo realz this time, he did really jack the person. It was a kidnapping. Chiefnapping.) with him to France. And the Chief was kinda ok with this apparently, because there wasn’t any protesting or anything. He wanted the Chief and his peeps to basically tell the king “HEY CANADA IS AWESOME AND GOLD.” But the Chief and peeps died shortly after reaching France.

So the guy went back on to Canada, although he was with a different crew and was not the captain. And the natives were angry. He lied and told them their chief was alive and well back in France, but that was a lie. And they thought it was a lie. So he left Canada AGAIN, which what he thought was heapin’ loads of diamond and gold. But it was actually quartz and fool’s gold. After this embarrassment, he was kinda like FORGET THIS and he hung his hat up and retired.

Now while Jaqc was all in the Canada, Some Spaniards were checking out North America. South North America. Meaning, Florida and Mississippi and shtuff. This was about 25 years after Pants, and this guy named Hernando was hanging out. He was so special he had a town named after him!

But he was really mean. He wanted gold and he thought it was a good idea to enslave the Native Americans! Because obviously, they’ve got gold, right?

WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT?

From the Indians!

Bleh. So he got a lot of people and dogs and stuff, but it’s kinda sad that he thought THAT far ahead. But he did also bring preachers and monks.

HERE, MY BLACKSMITH WILL MAKE A COLLAR AND CHAIN FOR YOU WHILE MY PREACHER TEACHES YOU ABOUT GOD’S LOVE.

Herpderp.

But so yew guiz remember the Incas? How they got wiped out and shtuff? Well this guy was involved with that. Yay~

So he got frands with some of the Indians because they were pagan, and then killed some others because they were pagan. And last I checked, the Bible did not say “THOU SHALT KILL SOME PAGANS YOU DON’T LIKE AND BE FRANDS WITH OTHER PAGANS YOU DO LIKE.”

(It doesn’t say either of those, baituhwai.)

HE THEN WENT TO FLORIDA. Mosquitoes, alligators, swamps, oh my! They nearly ate his men alive. All three of those things.

So he found some Indians and started killing them. Which was really really stupid, because they knew where the gold was.

Do you know where it was?

THERE WASN’T ANY. THERE’S NO GOLD IN FLORIDA.

So the Indians were like “OH YEAH THERE’S SOME GOLD JUST KEEP GOIN UP.” And he kept goin’ up and he kept not finding any.

Some people view Indians as stupid herpderps. They were actually pretty smart, apparently.

BUT They probably lied to him to get him to leave. Because bloodthirsty murderers aren’t very nice people to have around your village. Seriously.

However, the more stories of gold he heard, the more he wanted it. So eventually he wandered over Florida, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Probably Georgia too.

Eventually, the guy died. So they buried him in an old Indian Mound.

And his men got really really scared. Because Hernando kinda told them that he was immortal. So they told the Indians that he just kinda disappeared. And so the crew just left because they didn’t really want to stay. So they hopped on the Mississippi River and sailed down to Mexico.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS THAT INDIANS ARE SMART AND THE PEOPLE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ADVENTURES DON’T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH AND WILL LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU DIE.


Now this last guy is named ~Fr-r-rancisco de Cor-r-ronado~. He was from England.

NO HE WAS FROM SPAIN WITH A NAME LIKE THAT SERIOUSLY WHERE ELSE WOULD HE BE FROM.

Anyways~!

He was over in the Texas-Oklahoma-Arizona area. And New Mexico. And like everyone else, he found some painfully smart Indians. AYY, THERE’S SOME CITIES DOWN SOMEWHERE MADE OUT OF GOLD AND JEWELS AND PRETTY.

Of course, this was a lie.

Of course, Fran believed it.

This legend went on long enough for Fran to get three hundred men to march through cacti and deserts and BUFFALO~. Eventually, they ended up in the Grand Canyon. And the Continental Divide. And no cities made of gold. So he felt really bad so he retired in Mexico City and was declared a failure. Like everyone else!

He was also later charged of poor treatment of Indians.

HERPDERPDERP. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS WONDERFUL TO THEM.

So yeah. This is just kinda the first part of a longlonglonglongLONG series on American history. GET READY.

4 teh lulz

THIS IS THE POST YOU’VE ALLL BEEN WAITIN’ FOOOO’. The post that answers all your questions... ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
But you’re gonna have to wait sum maor because before I get in to that I have some stuff to tell you.

So Christopher Columbus is on land. He met some Indians. BUT.
THERE IS *NO* EVIDENCE THAT HE WENT IN TO AMERICA.
So it was all a lie. HE DIDN’T EVEN DISCOVER IT. HE JUST DISCOVERED THE BAHAMAS.
Also, he didn’t even know he was in the Bahamas (so they sayyy.). He thought he was in Japan. So since he thought he was in Japan, he sent in some peeps with official letters and jazz to the emperor.
Some map-maker.
Anyway, Chris over hurr is why we call our Native Americans “Indian”. Why? Because he thought they were Indians.

FAIL.

Chris here really wanted to share the gospel with the Indians. He thought that they were not religious. Which was odd, because I am pretty sure they had gods. Yeah. They had a buncha gods. HMMTHAT’SREALLYODD.
Also, Chris didn’t JUST want to share the gospel. He wanted to find MONEYYY. In fact, he only wanted gold when it came to money. He SAID that it was to go to the holy land, but you know... I mean... Meh.
IT WAS A LIE.
So Columbus wanted money. He wanted to explore. HE WAS A SPY TOO.
So then they lost the Santa Claus.
On Christmas Eve.
LOLOLOLOLOL
So then they went back to Spain. The Nunya and the Piñata were their only ships, but they got caught up in a storm. But they got back pretty good. Chris dropped by his buddy KING JOHN and He laughed at John.
Then he went to Spain.
Ohboi.
Chris got to Spain and recieved a big welcome. He got the title Admiral of the Ocean Sea. He got the Rank of Nobility, and he was promised to govern Newly Discovered Land.
AND OGURL. U KNO WHUT ELZ HE B GETTIN?
He got to wear his hat in front of the king and queen. It was some sort of honor or something to that extent.
Hmm.
Well.
That’s nice.
AND THEN...
CAME...
HIS...
DOWNFALL.

bumbumbumm~!










(You guys thought I was gonna tel you his downfall, didn't cha? WELL BE PATIENT.)

A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.

Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS lying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:

Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.

So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)