YAY MASSACRE.

So this is gonna be a wonderful post, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A MASSACRE. Hooray, senseless killing!

Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.

France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.

BUT.

The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.

18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?

Anyways.

So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.

BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.

and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.

SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.

It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.

Anyway.

So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.

The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.

And then it failed.

SO MUCH FAIL.

And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.

That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.

Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.

But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”

And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.

Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.

And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”

Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.

And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.

The groom from the wedding? Yeah.

HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.

Awh.

BUT SOW.

These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.

OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?