THIS GUY IS MUCH COOLER THAN THIS POST PINKY PROMISE

RENE DESCARTES

SO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THING

“I think, therefore I am.”

OF COURSE YOU DO.

So this guy. He was French. And also good at math and stuff.

so when he was a kid he almost died whoops

but then he didn’t.

So he was kinda a weaky frail boy but. He hung with some monks, and then he joined the army in Holland. In 1618.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN 1618.

it was the beginning of the 30 years war

So he never actually went into combat????? but he did travel all over the place????

which was kinda what he wanted to do anyway so das coo

AND THEN HE MET THIS GUY WHO LIKED THE MATHS

so basically there was this thing which may or may not have actually happened uh

THE CARTESIAN COORDINATE SYSTEM.

so this one time while Rene was chillin he saw a fly. wow dude this is intense.

so he thought WHAT IF I CAN PLOT THIS FLY WITH TWO NUMBERS

meaning he was gon graph dat fly.

yep.

AND HE MOVED A WHOLE LOT. AND HE THOUGHT. A LOT. AND HE STARTED TO REALLY REALLY LIKE PHILOSOPHY. AND HE WAS LIKE “SKEPTICS ARE STUPID”

and a lot of people liked being skeptics ok

and they thought the old ones like plato and aristotle were really stupid because LOL THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE NEW WORLD EXISTED THEY STUPID

So there were the skeptics who had some whacked out version of brain-in-a-jar syndrome who were like “I DON’T EXISTS”

and thats when rene said “I think, therefore I am.”

right right ok.

and he also thought God existed because “A good God would never create man to think God existed if he did not.” and that “A perfect God could not come from the minds of an imperfect man.”

welp

SO DUALISM.

THE DISTICTION BETWEEN BODY AND MIND.

DAS P COO.

SINCE THE SENSES CAN’T BE TRUSTED, THIS ME, THAT IS TO SAY, THE SOUL BY WHICH I AM WHAT I AM, IS ENTIRELY DISTINCT FROM THE BODY.

lol idk

so anyway then he died

a week after he got pnumonia

pnuonima

pneumonia

there we go.

the

end????

this was a terrible post im sorry ahahaha.

HEY LOOK THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COUNT UNLIKE THE 100 YEARS WAR PEOPLE

ok thiss is a long one BRACE YOURSELVES.

Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.

IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.

and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.

and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.

Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.

OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.

The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.

AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.

and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.

the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.

welp.

i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS

oh by the way this happened twice.

SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.

yep.

by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.

i cant

AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.

AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.

war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).

but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.

WHAT.

So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.

Fred said no.

So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.

So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.

AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.

but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.

So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.

And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.

yep.

Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.

Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.

He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????

Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.

so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.

AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.

But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”

it did not go exactly as planned.

SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????

So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa

kay hold up

THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business

HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.

So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.

SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.

He defeated that army.

and then Wall.

who he met.

AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.

a big big big fight

and the Swedes were way outnumbered

BUT THEY WON ANYWAY

BUT THEIR KING DIED

welp.

OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.

AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING

because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french

this is backwards

OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.

He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????

Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.

Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.

AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.

SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.

Ferdinand III. Nice name.

And he wanted peace too!

And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys

AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.

and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.

THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/

anyway

after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.

SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.

The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!


Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.


France was given some land.

YEP.

THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.

1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.

2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.

3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

yep.

that was long.

and ended abruptly.

yeah.

IDK MAN JUST PLEASE IGNORE ME THNXBAI DUNNO WHAT IM DOING LOL

So basically this guy was kinda boring, apparently.

He was a writer, but he didn’t really.

You know.

Do anything?

I mean, he wrote a lot and he was kinda controversial, but I don’t think he ever actually.

You know.

Got in trouble?

But anyway.

MICHAEL MONTAINGE.

He was born in France. And he had a weird family. His dad was Roman Catholic, his mom a Spanish Jew Protestant, and his siblings were Catholics.

wat.

ANYWAYS. His Dad sent him away when he was 3 to live with a poor family (?). He was brought back to his family later and was taught Latin (?) Nobody was allowed to speak anything but Latin to him (?) even though French was his first language (?)

lolwut

Basically, he learned Latin and pretty much ALL SORTS OF AWESOME STUFF without ever touching a book.

Well he probably did touch a book but whatever. But eventually he was kinda shipped off to boarding school to study law, but basically he got board so he left.

So eventually he started writing. He sat up inside his little castle and he wrote. A lot. For 10 years.

wat.

He wrote essays. He basically started the whole personal Essay thing. And before that, there were none. None of the personal essays. BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING GUYS.

Also basically he was kinda selfish and self absorbed. Which was kinda expected because he LOCKED HIMSELF IN A TOWER FOR 10 YEARS RIGHT AFTER HIS BFFSIE 4EVARS DIED.

Also basically he broke the 4th wall a lot. Like, there was no 4th wall. It was broken. No more 4th wall. Or I guess you could also say he just used 1st person kinda like I do but whatever oh well close enough right and run on sentence ramblerambleramble you’ve stopped reading anyway.

BUT.

He was also pretty skeptical. And if you don’t know what that means go google it or something. Mom told me to tell you what it is. But you should know and I don’t feel like telling you. SO GO. Or stay if you know what the monkey I’m talking about.

ANYWAY. Mich was actually a part of this philosophical movement called The Skeptics.

Who questioned EVERYTHING. I don’t know. Are you reading this? I don’t know. Or are you just staring at this screen? Will you reread that sentence? Are you actually even there? I DUNNO. I DON’T THINK SO MAN. I DON’T THINK THAT’S RIGHT.

but.

He didn’t really think love had much to do with marriage. So he married practically. He was skeptical about education. And he was skeptical about religion.

AND THEN THE AGE OF REASON.

Anyway.

So he went around and traveled a little. Then someone made him mayor of Bordeaux. So he had to go home and he helped some people out.

AND THEN THE PLAGUE HAPPENED!

Yayyyy!

He kinda died. Which was coming. Because the plague.

So.

Uh.

Yeah. The end? Not much else. Because he. You know. Died. /awkward

UHM PLEASE EXCUSE ME BEING REALLY IGNORANT ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THE SILENCE EPISODE PLEASE DONT HURT ME HALKJWHEKJH.

So this guy has a sorta weird nickname. It was “The Silent”

silence will fall when the question is asked.

Yay Silents. silence will fall.

BUT SO.

Silents are actually Dutch, and the Doctor is actually a Spaniard. And they both fought over the Netherlands. Yay!

WE KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE NETHERLANDS.

So. William was pretty much the Father of the Netherlands. BUT LET’S STEP INTO THE TARDIS AND CONTINUE WITH THIS DOCTOR WHO THEME. silence will fall when the question is asked.

Charles V. Holy Roman Empire. And he was like “MARTIN LUTHER IS A HERETIC” at Wyrms. Turns out that the family he was from kinda inherited the Netherlands. Charles was fond of the city of Brussels. Which is in Belgium. Which was a part of the Netherlands. And Brussels was one of his favourite place to live. And even though they didn’t really like him, they kinda considered him to be Dutch.

Anyway, the Netherlands started being Protestant. And then the Inquisition! And people were burned and tortured and all that nice stuff. 5,000 protestants were put to death. THEN THINGS GOT WORSE. silence will fall.

Charles kinda retired and gave the throne to his son. Who was not named Charles. His son’s name was Philip II. But he didn’t like the Netherlands. He just kinda thought it was a place to herpderp. So he decided to declare war on the Netherlands!

ANYWAY.

William the Silent! silence will fall when the question is asked.

He was actually German. And he was the Prince of Orange. He was raised Protestant but trained Catholic. Which made things kinda awkward. And when he was old enough, he got put in charge of some Catholic troops in France. Which was good. His buddy was Charles V and everyone was happy.

THEN PHILIP.

Who wasn’t technically the Emperor, but he was still nice to Philip.

For a little. He made him governor of the Netherlands. Buuut then it was a steady decline and William didn’t really like how all of his people were getting killed. And he pretty much got told that Philip was teaming up with France to KILL ALL THE PROTESTANTS. silence will fall.

So William kinda had an official side-switch. He was now pro-Protestant.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

Then a revolt! silence will fall when the question is asked.

The leadership of said revolt was kinda thrown on to William, and he was kinda confused. But he fought anyway.

Also I guess we just kinda dropped that whole Doctor Who thing we had going. silence will fall when the question is asked.

ANYWAY.

So he was revolting against Spain. But he wasn’t a very good leader. And he had to ask France for help. And he didn’t go to church a lot because he was busy leading a revolt. And the Catholics didn’t really like him either. Oh, and his brother got dead too. silence will fall.

BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED HIM.

So this Dude Duke. He was sent from Spain to the Netherlands to set up the “Council of Troubles.”

Which was... Troubling.

:D

silence will fall when the question is asked.

...

Anyway!

So a lot of people were killed because they weren’t for the Spanish or the Catholics. And more just kinda got everything taken away from them. And it was also called the Council of Blood, but both names are good. Er, bad. They’re bad names. But they are accurate ones.

AND OGURLLLLLLLL.

THE CITY OF ANTWERP.

...

IT GOT PILLAGED. By the Spanish. They kinda went insane and moved south and they started killing all of these Dutch and oh man it was bad. It was really bad. silence will fall.

So pretty much the North and South part of the Netherlands had been divided. They were really different and they didn’t really help each other out.

UNTIL THEN. They signed this treaty thing and they fought together. Well, for a while. Because Spain won back the Southern Part.

herpderpderp.

But so a bunch of Northern Parts broke up and one was the Republic of the United Netherlands. And the other part was Belgium.

Anyway.

The Dutch signed their own Declaration of Independence and it basically said “WE’RE NOT HERE FOR SPAIN.”

And Philip didn’t like that.

So he was like “NO MOAR WILLIAM.” And then he put up an old west wanted poster. Hooowever, multiple attempts were made. Most failed. Until this insane Fenchman came, SNUCK INTO HIS HOUSE WHILE HE WAS EATING DINNER WITH HIS FAMILY, AND THEN SHOT HIM. WITH TWO PISTOLS. silence will fall.

herpderpderp.

This only made the Dutch more mad because that meant they had their very own martyr. Yay!

So the Dutch eventually totally won against the Spanish. They became a free country and they got a statue and they also got the colour orange.

YAY NETHERLANDS. DUTCH. BLEHBLUHBLEH.

/weirdending

P.S: In no way am I saying that the Doctor is a bad guy. And in no way am I in support of the Silents, or the Silence, or any of their associates. silence will fall when the question is asked.

YAY MASSACRE.

So this is gonna be a wonderful post, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT A MASSACRE. Hooray, senseless killing!

Ha ha yeah no. BUT HANG ON.

France. Catherine de Medici was like “LET’S HAVE A WEDDING” but then Jeanne died and everyone got sad but that’s ok kinda, because then there was a wedding which made everyone happy again.

BUT.

The groom was protestant, and the bride was Catholic. Which means there’s gonna be a big giant mess. And the Groom, Jeanne’s son, was like “yeah mom i’ll help you with alla that Protestant stuff yeah.” And he meant it. But, well, it was kinda hard to do that.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ENJOYED BLOODY WARS.

18 attacks on Protestants, 5 on Catholics, and at least 30 assassinations. IN JUST TEN YEARS. And Charles IX was all up in the buzznuzz too and was like “IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE TAKE THESE” and he gave them four towns. Even though he was Catholic?

Anyways.

So Catherine wasn’t really as much of a problem as anyone thoughts, because she was a lot more humanistic than she was Catholic. Now she didn’t really help the Protestant’s either, but she was just kinda herpderp. But she was really really powerhungry. And she assassinated a little LOT OF PEOPLE.

BAI THUH WAI. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF MACHIAVELLIAN TENDENCIES YEW GUIZ.

and sadistic tendencies but that doesnt really matter because it’s a little obvious.

SO THE ROYAL WEDDING.

It was really awkward. Everyone was all smiley but on the inside everyone was FREAKING THE MONKEY OUT because they knew the marriage would probably start of ANOTHER MONKEYING WAR.

Anyway.

So this priest was kinda scared because he thought that Henry would be the French King soon and he would start protestants and oh man no. So he went up to Catherine and was like “YOU KNOW HE’S GONNA JACK YOUR THRONE.” and she was like “o noez.” So she was like “LET’S PLOT US SOME MURDERS” and then they did and had a nice time.

The victim was a protestant Admiral named Coligney and he was really big and she knew that’d help Henry be the not French King.

And then it failed.

SO MUCH FAIL.

And everyone knew that Catherine tried to do it, and she started panicking so she just kinda executed Coligney AND ALL THE PROTESTANT LEADERS IN PARIS.

That just kinda happened to line up with Saint Bartholomew’s Day and everyone was like “herpderp” and it was called a Massacre. Because it kinda was. They just shot everyone.

Which is really sad and sorta derpy because earlier Charles was like “If you were gonna try to kill Coligney y u no just kill everyone” but it was kinda joking.

But then Catholic was like “SORRY I ACCIDENTALLY ALL THE LEADERS.”

And Charles got to watch the whole thing yayy.

Eventually, an angry riotmobthing started going after EVERYONE and killing them and basically it was really really bad. And then it spread from Paris out and it went on for days and weeks and blah.

And what had started as a screwed up murder everyone just started getting murdered. And now Catherine was like OH MAN OH GOSH WHAT AM I GONNA DOOOO~ and she lied and she was like “NO I DUDN’T WANNA KILL HIM CAUSE PROTESTANT I WANTED TO CAUSE UHH LIES.”

Which was an obvious lie and nobody believed her.

And she basically singlehandedly ruined France by not murdering someone well enough. The Civil War went on for another Civil War. And then Charles died and Henry became king and then Catherine died and death and sadness and herpderpfails. And then Henry got assassinated AND THEN IT WAS FINALLY THAT OTHER HENRY’S TURN.

The groom from the wedding? Yeah.

HENRY IV. Even though there have been like a hundredthousandbillionzilliongajilion other Henrys. Anyway! There was a big giant mess for Henry to clean up, anddd he decided to say “SORRY MUMSIE~” and he was Catholic. He made the Edicts of Nantes which was basically “PROTESTANTS ARE COOL YEW GUIZ.” but that didn’t really keep them safe.

Awh.

BUT SOW.

These guiz were basically your greatgreatgreatgreat or however old grandfather. Because the Pilgrims were the descendants of the French Protestants.

OBAITHUHWAY I forgot to say the official name for the French Protestants is “Huguenot.” But I just realized I never put that in here and herpderpmonkeyfails.

CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

Uhmmm SUPER WITTY SUBJECT TITLE I GUESS?

So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?

WELL YOU’RE NOT GONNA READ ABOUT HER.

You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!

ON THE ARCH BISHOP.

Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.

But he did write some stuff like “WOMEN ARE BAD. THAT MANS YOU, BLOODY MARY AND MARY G. AND MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.”

“AND CATHERINE.”

They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.

BUT THEN MARY.

Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.

WELL THAT IS GONNA WORK REAL WELL.

She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.

BUT SRS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT LIKE A WHOLE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT MARY.

OK THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.

Annnd now it’s time for another sequel!

So It really shoulda been Bloody Elizabeth instead of Bloody Mary. But I don’t pick awesome names for people.

ANYWAY.

So Mary is dead. People are happy. Elizabeth is queen. So why should she be called bloody Elizabeth?

BECAUSE SHE WAS A BLOODY GOOD QUEEN.

lol no i lied.

So Elizabeth knew England was all “asdf ohmigawsh wats goin onn am i catholic or am i protestant oh i dont even know anymore.” So she was really really careful with her decisions concerning Religion and Marriage.

She had a really really weird childhood. Because she was the daughter of good ol’ Henry the Fail and his second wife Anne Boleyn. She was really pretty and that was good, but Henry was angry because he wanted a son and Anne wasn’t really patient and she yelled at him a lot, so he killed her. Which is OBVIOUSLY the most logical thing to do.

And after she was dead, Elizabeth got to deal with it! She was removed from Henry’s castle for hopefully obvious reasons, and even though she was only two when it happened, she still was really down in the dumps. Because her mom was dead.

So Elizabeth got to go, uhh, away. But Jane Seymour was a really nice lady so she invited Elizabeth and Mary back. And she tried to make them a happy, normal, royal family, but...

Psh.

Pshh hha...

PSHA HA HA HA THAT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

But!

Henry finally got a boy outta Jane, but she died in childbirth. Which was traumatizing, but it was kinda nice to have a new little brother.

THEN HENRY MARRIED HORSEFACE!

But Horseface was really nice and treated Elizabeth like a daughter, but she was, you know, horseface.

Somehow the “We can still be friends!” line worked (lolwut?) and she still visited the kids every so often.

And then Catherine came along but she was kinda mean and nobody really liked her, but then she got killed which was still really sad because she was dead.

Then suddenly the other Catherine! And this was really good, because Elizabeth was 10 and she really needed a mother and yada yada yada. Elizabeth was given THE BEST EDUMACATOURS and she read French and Latin and Greek and played music and Italian and blah blah bluh blah and she was really really smart, etc. etc. etc.

So basically this was the best four years of her life. Up to that point, at least.

AND THEN IT CAME TO A BURNING, SCREECHING HALT OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.

And we’re gonna stop right here for a second because I’m mean and we’re gonna talk about the really really awkward situation between Mary and Elizabeth.

Mary was 17 when her father sent Catherine packin’. He then married someone TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN MARY.

This was not a political marriage.

...
FJHAKJSDNVAKJWBVOJHAB OGFJB NASDLKJBAKVJ JABRG;.

KHFKAJSDF

AGAGGAHAH
Yeah.

Then Mary got a new baby sister! From someone two years younger than her!

So there was a 17 year age difference there.

And then Anne died.

And then Jane came and made everyone happy. Mary was about 19, and Elizabeth was two. But then Jane died and everyone got sad again. More or less.

BACK TO BUZZNUZZ.

Henry died. Elizabeth, Mary, and Edward cried oceans of tears. And then Edward was king and had to suck it up.

And then he died 6 years later.

THEN IT WAS MARY’S TURN!

She was 37 and Elizabeth was 20.

Uuuunfortunately, this is when Mary and Elizabeth’s relationship dropped off a very steep cliff and into a deep abyss of hate, pain, and suffering. YAYYY~!

Mary was advised to lock Elizabeth up in the tower of London because I MEAN WHERE ELSE IS SHE GONNA PUT HER.

So she did. And she was all freakin out and she was like “LIVIN’ IT UP AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA” and so she was TERRIFIED.

So that was a lie and she did leave after about two months because she was like “Ah ha ha ha Protestant? Nooo man I’m Catholic ha ha ha sureee.”

She was kept under house arrest for a year though, and was watched really. Really. Closely.

And then when Elizabeth turned 25, she got to be Queen!

THEN SUDDENLY MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.

And Elizabeth got really scared. Because Mary Queen of Scots was Mary Queen of Scots.

But So Elizabeth kept being kinda quiet about her whole religious shtuff for about 6 months, but then she was like “PSHHH FORGET THIS” and she became the “Governor” of the Church of England.

Because Governor sounds a lot less power-crazy than “Head”.

At first, she didn’t want to KILL EVERYBODY. Which is a good thing.

I hope this is obvious.

Eventually, Protestants replaced Catholics in the government and stuff. But she wasn’t like GET RID OF ALL THE CATHOLICS like Mary. Er, like opposite Mary. Er, you know what I mean.

And then she made it illegal to celebrate Mass!

Woo hoo!

This made a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE ANGRY. But nobody was burned alive or tortured mercilessly. Which is good.

And for some reason beyond me, they changed the name of the Anglican Church of England. This was kinda a “blend” between the Catholics and the Protestants. This made some people happy, but there were those really strong purists who were like

Both sides did suffer persecution. This basically said “YOU GUIZ AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE REALLY REALLY STRONG IN YOUR FAITH, KAY?”

Annnd then Mr. P-to-da-ope was like

“ELIZABETH.

HAI. HAI HAI.

HAI ELIZABETH.

AYE DUN LIKE YEW.”

So he excommunicated her.

Catholics were really confused because they liked Elizabeth.

And Elizabeth was like “WHY DO I EVEN CARE I HAVE MY OWN CHURCH WHAT NOW.”

Anyway, now let’s shift gears.

Elizabeth was pretty. She was smart. She was nice. She was pretty. She was Queen. She was pretty.

And any guy who had a brai-

Er... Wait.

Everyone loved her. And she had about TWENTY COURTSHIPS GOIN ON.

Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...

LOLNO I LIED.

She didn’t get married. She was married to England.

And everyone else was like “ENGLAND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED”

Anyway, so take a guess as to who her first boifran was.

PHILIP.

THE.

SECOND.

MARY’S EX HUSBAND.

ASJHFKAJBGVOJGA

That needs to be like against the law or something.

...

ALSO, SHE FLIRTED WITH PHILIP’S SON.

AND THEN SHE DECLARED WAR ON THEIR COUNTRY.

“Oh, son, don’t worry. She’s just playing hard to get! She did it with me, don’t worry!”

She liked to use people to play along and political gain. She had a BIG GIANT WARDROBE full of everything. Pearls and jewels and makeup and EVERYTHING.

So eventually, she got really close to an English nobleman. His name was Robert Dudley.

...

But he was married.

D:

She really did love him, but still. He was married. And he had spent time in the Tower of London. His father and grandfather were beheaded for treason.

And then things got really really intense.

His wife “fell” down some stairs and died.

Now she probably did really fall, but a whole monkeyload of people thought he pushed her. Which he might have.

So Elizabeth ignored her heart.

And then she met a duke.

...

From France.

Yeeeah. This made a WHOLE LOT of anger from EVERYONE. Because England and France.

*giggle*

England and France had been in a whole lot of wars and hating and bleh bluh bleh bluh blah.

So Elizabeth declined the Duke and she remained unmarried until she died. She proudly called herself the Virgin Queen.

And it turns out Virginia was named after her nickname.

And there is more to the story, so we’ll throw bits and pieces in later. Because this is really really really long.

So yeah. We’ll also talk about Mary Queen of Scots later. But that’s a different lesson.

Yeah. The end~!

Pounce De Lion, MERICUH, Indians, Oh My!

If anyone is unable to laugh at themselves, I kindly ask that you leave now.

BECAUSE I’M WRITING ABOUT GOOD OL’ NORTH ‘MERICUHH.

Now when people went traveling around ‘MERICUH, they killed lots of people. Who did they kill? THE ONLY INHABITANTS, NATIVE NORTH AMERICANS.

Otherwise known as Indians. And for the sake of simplicity, we’re gonna call them that.

Those Dora the Explorers were all up in the ‘MERICUHH, and they nicknamed it the Land Of Opportunity. And the Indians were like “Yeah. OUR Lands of Opportunity.” But unfortunately, the Indians did not speak whatever language the explorers spoke so they could not express this opinion without, you know, some neighborly bloodshed.

SO THIS GUY. His name was Juan Pontc de Leon. Otherwise knows as Pants, because that’s how his second name is pronounced. He was from Spain, and he had travelled with our old buddy Chris. He settled down in Central America, and he was made Governor of PUERTO R-R-RICO~ And the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ told him that up north there was a beautiful fountain that restored youth to the old and would give him the fountain of youth and awesomeness. Otherwise known as the Fountain of Youth. Annnd he believed it. So he hopped on a ship and sailed up north.

I’m guessing the PUERTO R-R-RICANS~ didn’t like Pants very much.

Anyways, Pants went on sailin’ up to Florida.

As we all should know is that there is no Fountain Of Youth on the coast of Florida. Pants actually named Florida, except the name was a little longer. Pants tried to start a colony, but that didn’t really work out. Because the Indians.

And soon, ERRYONE wanted to move into Florida. But Florida is nice. I like Florida.

Including the French!

So France sent some explorers, but they were actually looking for a passage to China. Still. ANYWAYS, Francis the First of France sent out a guy towards ‘MERICUH, looking for a shortcut to China. Because China had all the shtuff. Which France did not have, apparently.

And while the explorer guy was running around, he bumped into Canada and was like “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there 4 MILLION SQUARE MILE MASS OF LAND.”

Anyways, this guy named Jacques Cartier sailed around Newfoundland and hung out around Quebec. And he met the Micmac (which is fun to say.) Who were horrible Indians who slaughtered him and his crew. ER, wait. Hang on.

No.

It’s exactly the opposite. They were wonderful people.

Anyways, so the guy met a lot of people and claimed the area for France by building a THIRTY FOOT TALL CROSS. And the Indians were confused with this. And they were like “Y u do diss.” So he lied and was like “IT’S A LAND MARK I MAKE IS SO BEUTIFUL.”

And that was the first mistake. But the Indians were like “Oh ok cool.” So he got best frands with the Chief and either jacked his kids or asked politely for his children. I dunno. Nobody does. Either way, they went on to France and taught them French and shtuff. He took them back to Quebec and gave them back to their dad. And on this trip, guy went and jacked Montreal. Sorta. He named it, at least. Er, he named the mountain. And he didn’t actually name it Montreal. He named it Mount Royal, which is kinda like Montreal.

So he didn’t really do a whole lot.

Anyways, Canada is really really REALLY cold. So he and his crew went on trekking through four foot deep snow, icey oceans, and the whole crew was nearly wiped out.

Herpderpfail.

So Jaqc jacked the chief and nine other peeps (Fo realz this time, he did really jack the person. It was a kidnapping. Chiefnapping.) with him to France. And the Chief was kinda ok with this apparently, because there wasn’t any protesting or anything. He wanted the Chief and his peeps to basically tell the king “HEY CANADA IS AWESOME AND GOLD.” But the Chief and peeps died shortly after reaching France.

So the guy went back on to Canada, although he was with a different crew and was not the captain. And the natives were angry. He lied and told them their chief was alive and well back in France, but that was a lie. And they thought it was a lie. So he left Canada AGAIN, which what he thought was heapin’ loads of diamond and gold. But it was actually quartz and fool’s gold. After this embarrassment, he was kinda like FORGET THIS and he hung his hat up and retired.

Now while Jaqc was all in the Canada, Some Spaniards were checking out North America. South North America. Meaning, Florida and Mississippi and shtuff. This was about 25 years after Pants, and this guy named Hernando was hanging out. He was so special he had a town named after him!

But he was really mean. He wanted gold and he thought it was a good idea to enslave the Native Americans! Because obviously, they’ve got gold, right?

WHERE DID HE LEARN THAT?

From the Indians!

Bleh. So he got a lot of people and dogs and stuff, but it’s kinda sad that he thought THAT far ahead. But he did also bring preachers and monks.

HERE, MY BLACKSMITH WILL MAKE A COLLAR AND CHAIN FOR YOU WHILE MY PREACHER TEACHES YOU ABOUT GOD’S LOVE.

Herpderp.

But so yew guiz remember the Incas? How they got wiped out and shtuff? Well this guy was involved with that. Yay~

So he got frands with some of the Indians because they were pagan, and then killed some others because they were pagan. And last I checked, the Bible did not say “THOU SHALT KILL SOME PAGANS YOU DON’T LIKE AND BE FRANDS WITH OTHER PAGANS YOU DO LIKE.”

(It doesn’t say either of those, baituhwai.)

HE THEN WENT TO FLORIDA. Mosquitoes, alligators, swamps, oh my! They nearly ate his men alive. All three of those things.

So he found some Indians and started killing them. Which was really really stupid, because they knew where the gold was.

Do you know where it was?

THERE WASN’T ANY. THERE’S NO GOLD IN FLORIDA.

So the Indians were like “OH YEAH THERE’S SOME GOLD JUST KEEP GOIN UP.” And he kept goin’ up and he kept not finding any.

Some people view Indians as stupid herpderps. They were actually pretty smart, apparently.

BUT They probably lied to him to get him to leave. Because bloodthirsty murderers aren’t very nice people to have around your village. Seriously.

However, the more stories of gold he heard, the more he wanted it. So eventually he wandered over Florida, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee, and Arkansas. Probably Georgia too.

Eventually, the guy died. So they buried him in an old Indian Mound.

And his men got really really scared. Because Hernando kinda told them that he was immortal. So they told the Indians that he just kinda disappeared. And so the crew just left because they didn’t really want to stay. So they hopped on the Mississippi River and sailed down to Mexico.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS THAT INDIANS ARE SMART AND THE PEOPLE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ADVENTURES DON’T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH AND WILL LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU DIE.


Now this last guy is named ~Fr-r-rancisco de Cor-r-ronado~. He was from England.

NO HE WAS FROM SPAIN WITH A NAME LIKE THAT SERIOUSLY WHERE ELSE WOULD HE BE FROM.

Anyways~!

He was over in the Texas-Oklahoma-Arizona area. And New Mexico. And like everyone else, he found some painfully smart Indians. AYY, THERE’S SOME CITIES DOWN SOMEWHERE MADE OUT OF GOLD AND JEWELS AND PRETTY.

Of course, this was a lie.

Of course, Fran believed it.

This legend went on long enough for Fran to get three hundred men to march through cacti and deserts and BUFFALO~. Eventually, they ended up in the Grand Canyon. And the Continental Divide. And no cities made of gold. So he felt really bad so he retired in Mexico City and was declared a failure. Like everyone else!

He was also later charged of poor treatment of Indians.

HERPDERPDERP. BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE WAS WONDERFUL TO THEM.

So yeah. This is just kinda the first part of a longlonglonglongLONG series on American history. GET READY.

Witty Title

All homeschoolers love Calvin and Hobbes. Even some Public Schoolers LOVE Calvin and Hobbes. But homeschoolers especially.

And if you don’t know who Calvin and Hobbes are, go find them. Google. Local bookstores (not like Borders or anything. Like, local). Everywhere. Because Calvin and Hobbes are amazing.

And this is the man that Calvin was named after.

John Calvin~!

Skip back about a hundred yours from John Calvin. We have Jan Huss. Who was all “Is Mr. P-to-da-ope good?” And then he got killed. And so did a lot of his peeps. An so did John Wycliffe. And then Martin Luther accidentally the Reformation. And he didn’t like the indulgences, so he wanted to have an argument, but hey. So while Luther was over here in the Germany, Ulrich Zwingli was all up in the Switzerland but he and Luther were like “Well yeah but no.” Because Even though they were both reformists, they still had differing views. And this made a wall between the Lutherans and the other Protestants.

And the other protestants who followed Ulrich disagreed with Baptism and the separation of church and state. Then this dood come up and was named Menno was making the Anabaptists. And while they were all getting together, Henry VIII was like JUST GON MARRY ERRYBODY and to do that he needed to mess with the church a little bit. And he made himself the SUPREME HEAD OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND, which left Mr. P-to-da-ope very angry.

So look at this picture. LOOK AT IT. You see how stuff is screwing all the way up? While humanism was all big, God was also working on His stuff too. England and the west-ish area of Europe was being reformed.

JOHN CALVIN.

More than the rest before him, he solidified the rest of the movement. He was HUGE GIANT THING PERSON THING. He worked really hard at preaching, teaching, and writing. He was born in Northern France (Onhonhonhon~) and he was pushed to be a thriving member of the church. And at just 11, he went to college in Paris. Now I don’t know if that’s some sort of normal thing like if college was different or something, but that’s just impressive. But he got his masters at about 17, which is pretty impressive no matter what. He studied things like theology and law and shtuff, and he was pretty eloquent. And when he was in his young twenties, he converted to Christianity. He was teaching Protestant shtuffs in France. And France was not very kind to Protestants. And one of Calvin’s closest friends had to leave France, and Calvin joined him. And while John was running through Switzerland, he met this guy named Will Farrel William Farel. He wanted him to stay in Switzerland. And he did, but he didn’t really want to. But still, Will and John started up a church. But Jon started to pass up Will, but he was never jealous.

John was all humble and nice and stuff, and he didn’t get paid a lot because he didn’t want to, and he was all small and tiny and shtuff. But he was a strong preacher and everyone loved him. So that was good. He preached messages starting in Romans. However, Will and John weren’t perfect either. They set out to convert EVERYONE. Forcefully. And you know how that turns out.

After three years, John and Will got kicked out of the city. Will kept preaching and john settled down and married a nice old widow. However, the people who were hired to replace Will and John were really bad at preaching, so some people starting begging John to come back. So he didn’t really want to go, but he did anyways. So he went back ad kept preaching on the letters of Paul. So he started a very strict moral code, and made gambling, drinking, dancing, swearing, etc. etc. Adultery, Idolatry, and blasphemy were punishable by death. The others were just punishable by, you know, torture and imprisonment.

John did believe in separation of Church and state, but not too much. If that makes sense. It doesn’t really. So he created a group called a consistory. It had members from both the church and the state. They were basically churchy policemen, and they made sure everyone followed the moral code. For those who believed in Biblical teachings, then it was a wonderful place to live. There was a huge drop in crime, and everyone was happy. Sorta. You see, sometimes people took it a little too far. Three men were imprisoned for laughing at church. Some children were punished for eating cake during church. They were not allowed to have more than a certain number of plates on a diner table. Someone who wrote a bad note about John Calvin was tortured twice a day for a month, and then executed.

And there was this guy.

His name was Micheal, and he was one of the many executed. However, he was a true heretic. He was confusing many Europeans with Christ’s Deity, which is a fundamental belief of the Christian faith. And while Micheal was just passing through the city, And John saw him in the streets, so was captured and executed. He was put on trial, but no lawyer or means to defend himself. And he was proven guilty and set to burn. However, John didn’t want him to burn, and just wanted to behead him. Because burning hurts a lot worse than having a quick, clean beheading. Also, Micheal had to burn in green wood, which burns a lot slower and produces a lot of smoke and is worse in every single way.

This left a dark cloud over John’s conscience and name.



*cough*

Anyway.

He preached almost every day of the week, and he set up a university, and wrote a lot. However, he also got only four hours of sleep and ate once a day. So he wasn’t exactly healthy. He also grieved a lot when his wifeh died, which made it worse. He wrote another book called “Institutes of the Christian Religion.” He started it when he was in France, and dedicated it to Francis I.

So John Calvin fathered ANOTHER branch of Protestantism. Calvinism! The Pilgrims actually were Calvinists, also.

And er uh.

Soyeahtheend.

Can't Tell if Mary Sue or Just Name.

So this guy. Suleiman. His name is hard to spell. He is now named Sue, because his name is pronounced Sue-Lee-Man. Sueleeman. And he was a Sunni. No pun there.
And while the Renaissance and the reformation, Sue decided he’d take over the world. Or at least the Ottoman Empire. So you guys remember Istanbul was Constantinople? Yeah. It was the capital of the Ottoman Empire. And Sue was having a pretty nice time ruling the world, because his daddy left him a whole lotta everything. But like a good ruler, he was a greedy jerkface. That means he wanted more.
Now he had Greece. He had a little bit of Russia, and the Black Sea area, and the Bibley bits, and Turkey, and Egypt etc. etc. So like he had Oriental Avenue, St. James Place, Pennsylvania Avenue, and Boardwalk.
And suddenly Diet of Wyrms. All those people were all OHNOREFORMATIONS! So all of their cities were Sue’s for the takin’. So he took ‘em.
Sue was paying attention to the Mediterranean Sea. Whoever had the Ducky Sea (because it looks like a duck.) had control of the trade between Europe, Africa, and Asia. Sue decided he’d go after Rhodes, which was an island in the Ducky Sea. And Rhodes was the last Christian stronghold in the sea.
This doesn’t mean Sue wanted to kill all Christians. This means he wanted Rhodes because it was an amazing location. And the Knights living on the island were being pirates, and were just annoying.
So after Sue beat them in a long battle, he felt kinda bad. The Knights surrendered, and he allowed them to go with safety. He also showered the Grand Master with gifts and stuff. So he seems like a pretty good guy.
LOLNOPE.
Sue kept on pushing. Why? Because France was all “PLZATTACKSOUTHEUROPEPLZ.” And Francis, the King of France, was an enemy of Holy Roman Empire, because Spain was given the crown to Holy Roman Empire, and France sat back and pouted like a little boy. So he and HRE (it’s cumbersome to type Holy Roman Empire.) fought a lot.
Now Francis got in a bit of trouble with HRE. He called on Sue, and was like “PLZHELPMEPLZ.” and Sue was like “I’MONMYWAYPLZ.”
So he was on his way. He was planning on attacking Hungary anyways, so he just plowed on through her and went on. She probably could have not been thrown down, but everyone was fussin’ with each other and they weren’t very united.
And in comes Sue with a battle that lasted only an hour and a half. HE TOOK OVER NEARLY THE WHOLE COUNTRY IN AN HOUR AND A HALF. I COULD LEAVE MY HOUSE, WATCH A MOVIE, AND HUNGARY WOULD BE CAPTURED WHEN I GOT BACK.
So after this, Sue got a bit cocky. Because he took over Hungary in an hour and a half. And he decided to attack Vienna, the CAPITAL OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. So with 200,000 men, he marched on in. This freaked Europe out. Rumours started to spread that Sue was going to make everyone convert to Islam. Which wasn’t true. Why? Well, go look at Rhodes. He wasn’t all “OK KNIGHTS NOW BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY SUE AND CONVERT MUHAHAHAHA MANIACAL LAUGH.” He didn’t really care. He was indifferent.
But they failed at taking Vienna. Twice. And then the third time, Sue went all out. He marched from Istanbul to Vienna in a parade, with a bunch of camels and horses and boys and stuff. So Prince Asue was in Vienna. But his parade was not welcome, because Vienna does not have streets and it just has rivers. Look.

But all the Europe rallied together and defeated Sue. He went home and cried himself to sleep that night.
Btu he got over it, because France still liked him. Well, of course France likes him, because France likes everyone. France loves everyone.
SUE LOOKED TO THE EAST.
And saw the Safavid Empire. He saw Persia. So he went in and jacked the Persia. Well, most of it, at least. He had Baghdad and a few pieces of other stuff. Persia and Sue kept on fighting, back and forth and back and forth. Hungary got involved again and asked Persia if they could politely beat Sue into the dust. Er, sand. I guess it’s sand over there. But you knowww~
But Sue could hold himself up from the west and the east, and it wasn’t really a problem. He moved on past Egypt, and he captured the city of Tunis. Two knees. This was a very nice move, because he now had the East side of the Ducky Sea. This was mostly due to a Pirate named Barbarossa, who was well known as a big fat bloodthirsty Greek bully. But whatever.
Sue and the Turks were a world powers through the Reformation. When he wasn’t expanding his kingdom, he was fancying it up.
Now Sue did some stuff which wasn’t very nice. He made a law that made it legal to KILL YOUR BROTHER IF YOU ARE NEXT IN LINE TO THE THRONE.
Now this happened anyways, but it was behind closed doors. The Ottoman Empire just made it legal.
So Sue wasn’t really a horrible evil I WILL KILL YOU ALL Muslim, but he had his faults. He wasn’t much different from his European counterparts, even though they saw him differently. The Enddd~!

(I don’t like ending on sweet notes like that. But hey. Whatever.)

Sorry it Took So Long x-x

So we’re in a market place. Derp.
A lot of people were there. No duh.
AND JOAN OF ARC WAS AT THE STAKE.
And she died.
OK THEN THE END SEE Y’ALL LATER.
lolnope.
Someone decided that it was a good idea to start at the end...? Meh. Whatever.
So this all goes back to the 100 years war. Which was not really 100 years. It was between England and France and all that? Yep. It took two treaties, two royal marriages, and about 83 years of actual battle. What did they want? The crown of France. They did not only WANT the crown, they WON the crown.
And two years later, Henry V, king of Franceland, bit the dust.
MOARWAR.
So in comes Joan. She was born in France, grew up as a peasant, and was a devout Catholic. Unlike most peasant girls, Joan believed she hear voices. JUST LIKE MEEE~ Except she thought that she heard, superficially, the voices of various saints and Micheal the Archangel. What were they saying? Be good, obey your parents, pray, and all that. So her parents didn’t really mind that. But at 17, the voices told her to lead the Prince of France to take his throne and become the next king.
So the Prince was a dolphin.
Oh? Wait? What? Dauphin? What? Oh, ok.
So he wasn’t a dolphin. I was misinformed. Dauphin is what the Prince of France is called. So Charles the VII was the Dauphin, son of Charles... VI... But Charlie VII was in no position to take the throne. You see, he was kinda, you know, flat broke. The traditional location where one would crown the king was over where the English were, so it was not under France’s control. So that was out of the question.
So VII said a little prayer that he could have the power to rule the throne, the courage, blah blah blah.
So Joan cut her hair, dressed in man’s clothing, and went to the castle.
So VII is freakin’ smooth out. He said a prayer and here comes Mrs. Peasant who cut all her hair, dressed up like a man, and said she heard voices? Well, VII was a bit cautious. So he decided he’d put her through some tests, which were long and pretty cool. She passed them all. So he sent her to Church camp or whatever and was questioned for three more weeks. They sent her back and suggested to put her in charge of the French Royal Army.
LULZ
So did this at 17. She was given horses, white armour, and servants.
She did a good job with her army too. She had very strict rules concerning their morals.
She was a military genius, and she had soon completed her mission of crowning Charles VII.
Well wouldn’t it be nice if the story could end here? All nice and happy and stuffs?
Well, no.
There was a lot to do to get back the rest of France! So she kept fighting to get it back.
So England was. Fed. Up.
THEY WERE LOOSING TO A TEENAGER!
A TEENAGE GIRL!
A TEENAGE PEASANTGIRL!
So England decided that they had to get rid of Joan.
So she was moving on, and she got ambushed by some soldiers that had collaborated with the French. So she was kept in a prison in France. She tried escaping, three attempts were made at BREAKIN’ HER OUT, but still, the girl had to hang in prison.
So the French Soldiers sold her to the English for about 3,000 modern English dollaz.
SO SOMEHOW, IN ALL OF THIS, SHE WAS CALLED A HERETIC.
She was a DEVOUT Catholic! What!
WHAT!
So I figured the conversation went kinda like this:
Dood1: “Dude, we need to kill this girl.”
Dood2: “Yeah.”
Dood1: “Wanna call her a heretic?”
Dood3: “BUT GUYZ SHE 1SNT A HERET1C TROLOLOLO”
Dood1&2: “...BUT IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET RID OF HER.”
So they just did a casual handwave and said “HERETIC.”
So they burned her at the stake.
Yeeeah...
So they shaved her, made her wear a dunce hat, and a dress.
D:
So then the French drove the English out of all their land and the French won the 100 years war.
AND THEN 24 YEARS LATER, SHE WAS DEEMED INNOCENT.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
IN 1920 (Yes. Nine. Teen. Twenty.) THE CHURCH DECIDED TO MAKE HER A SAINT.
WHAT.
IN.
THE.
WORLD.
asdf.
WELL THAT WAS A HORRIBLE ENDING.

CLIFFHANGEEEEER!!!

THESE LIARS.
So the 100 year war WASN’T ACTUALLY 100 YEARS LONG. Apparently, it was 116 years long. But 100 years just sounds better.
So this was all about revenge. England wanted revenge from the French. Why? Well, BACK IN 1066~ the French beat the stink out of the English! So England was pretty mad.
So, the king of France died, but he didn’t have a son. What happens if the king doesn’t have a son? OH GURRRL.

The king’s cousin, Philip VI, was in France, and his nephew, Edward III was in England. So they decided to battle for who would rule France. This was a perfect opportunity for England to get back at France too, even though the Battle of Hastings was, oh, ABOUT 300 YEARS AGO.
So Edward decided to stir up a BIG TUB-A STINK. He just got through making peace with Scotland, and now he decides to make a big war with the French. So he crosses the English channel to do it. And he sure did a good job. He beat the French in the sea, and on land. A factor in this was the English’s weapons. They had like a mega-crossbow, and the English used GUNPOWDER. STRAIGHT-UP GANGSTA YO. Even though the English had THOUSANDS of fewer soldiers, they still prevailed.
AND THEN THEY BOTH RAN OUT OF MONEY AND CALLED A TRUCE.
TROLOLO
“Hey man I’m outta money and I’m tired.”
“Me too.”
“Wanna call a truce?”
“Uhmsureynot.”
So after Edward III died, Edward, Prince of Wales ruled England. He was called the Black Prince because of his attire.
AND SO HE RESTARTED THE WAR!
TROLOLO
He captured the King of France (John II) and his son in the battle of Poitiers, pronounced PWA-TAYYY. As in PAR-TAYYY but different.
AND FRANCE WAS SO EMBARRASSED. And so they gave England some money and a lotta land and did a treaty. So England quick attacking them.
And so things went on... Some new people came to the throne, but they were children who didn’t know about the matters of war... AND THEN THEY GREW UP. They were greedy too. And the King of England was lyke “I WANT ENGLAND AND FRANCE.” And the King of France was lyke “I WAS FRANCE AND ENGLAND.” So they had a wedding! It never occurred to them that there would then be two kings, but that didn’t matter. The King of England, Richard II, was going to marry the daughter of Charles VII of France. She was Princess Isabella. How pretty :3
It says that Richard, at his time of marriage, was 29. There’s no problem with that.
But Isabella.... well.... She was about 7. Oh, did I mention she was his /second/ wife?
Eeejuhgeebuhgeebuh

Now this was political, aristocratic, blah blah blah. I’m still grossed out. So everything was peaceful, but everything wasn’t nice. Both countries were reallly poor. There was big-time looting, and a lot of farms were abandoned, which means less food, which means less people, which means a lot of different things. AND THEN THE BLACK PLAGUE DECIDES TO BREAK OUT. Yaaay.
AND UNDER ALL THESE CONDITIONS, WHAT IS THE LOGICAL THING TO DO?
BREAK OUT IN WAR.
The English King, Henry V, had this great idea. He wanted the throne of France, and so he started a battle. He had less than half the troops of the French, but they still won in /half an hour/. So he got the throne, married a girl to secure his place, and made the French sign a treaty that gave the crown to the English. Sir William Shakespeare wrote a play about this, entitled... Henry V. Yeah.
AND THEN HENRY DIED.
So back to war!
And along comes a little boy. Someone unsuspecting, a teenager. A French teenager.
A FRENCH TEENAGE GIRL.
CLIFFHANGEEEEER!!!