Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
ASDFKHGKHN
ASDFGHJJKL
ZXCVBNM,
DFHJBASLKVHQBI
IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
asdfghbcvbt63zh
NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

So there’s this dood. He was born in Italy, noble family, all that jayazz. Cool beans. Lived a good life.
Well erm sorta no not really.
This guy, Savonarola, read a lot when he was a kid. He attended a university, but he was kinda in culture-shock mode over there. So he decided to leave said university. He decided to live with his family instead of attent school.
And if you remember, Italy was going humanitarian. But Rola ovah hurr was still a strong Christian. He decided he’d straighten out his friends, his countrymen, and the Church.

Bada~!
Erm...

BADA~!
So Rola joined the Dominican Friars. He asked for the tiniest, most humble little itty bitty grimmy dirty ugly horrible job they had. So he was a cook and a cleaner.
SO THEY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM.
They transferred Rola to Florence to preach because he was really really Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So Rola was too good for the peeps. He was preachin’ wayy over their head’s. And his voice was kinda shrill, so it was annoying to listen to. Derp. So the people pretty much kicked dood outta Florence.
And that pretty much made his self-esteem drop reeeul low.
BABY SHE GOT LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW LOW.
Ok. Sorry.
Soo after a few years, Rola decided to go back to Florence. He was better this time, and his preachin’ was AMAZING. His followers were nicknamed The Weepers because they cried so much. And what did he preach, exactly? He just preached the Gospel. And everyone loved it.
Rola pretty much was awesome. He had some kinda weird beliefs though. Some stuff was good though. He didn’t think gambling was good, inappropriate art, no cursing, no pagan books, no excessive jewelry, no immodest clothin, etc. etc. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO CARNIVALS OR ACROBATIC EVENTS.
Yeah.
I don’t get that last bit.
It was good though. Rich businessmen were getting rid of their money they got from cheating, bonfires were held to burn stuff like mirrorrrrs and makeuppp and jewelryyy and pagan boooks and a lot of stuff like that.
But there were the extremists.
There were these people that called themselves “THE BANDS OF HOPE”. The morality police. They’d come in to people’s houses, looking fo bad stuffz that they could burn. People started spying on each other, making sure that nobody was gambling or anything. So the situation got really bad.
But wait~!
Imagine the backlash of the people who weren’t too hip with Rola.
So you know Lorenzo de’Medici? Yeah. He liked Carnivals. And Books. And Paintings. So being the genius Lorenzo was, he decided to try to bribe Rola with gold.
F-F-F-F-FAAAAILMODE.
So Lorenzo died. And then his son took over. And his son was overthrown. So Rola was plastered up on the throne.
Now Rola was a pretty good leader. He took his position seriously. He employed good people, and had a good vision for Florence in general.
Unfortunately, Rola’s vision didn’t really go too well. He wanted to establish the kingdom of God in Florence.
Uhmyeahno.
So that didn’t go too well. He wanted a Christian Utopia. EVen though he had good intentions, they weren’t, technically, Biblical.
Rola’s greatest threat was... HIMSELF!
Well actually that’s a lie.
His greatest threat was Mr. P-to-da-ope. You see, Pope Alexander VI was really really immoral. Even though he never married, he had five children. He supported murder to get the things he wanted. So when Rola started to preach to Mr. P-to-da-ope, things didn’t go too well. He said, and I quote: “O PROSTITUTE CHURCH, THOU HAST DISPLAYED THY FOULNESS TO THE WHOLE WORLD, AND THY STINKEST TO HEAVEN.”
So he pretty much said, “Hey. Hey. Y’all stink. Take a shower plz kthxbai”
So Mr. P-to-da-ope was pretty mad. He wasn’t too fond of Rola callin’ the church a stinky prostitute.
And then Rola came back and had everyone burn a LOT of stuff. So Alex over hurr bribed Rola to quiet. Down. So Mr. P-to-da-ope offered him a big position in the church, but Rola turned him down.
So then he got himself excommunicated. And then people started to wonderrr... “Heyy. Why would they excommunicate a man of God? What if he isn’t? OH NO. OH NO. OH NO. WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.”
And Rola runs for the hills.
The Franciscans decided to test Rola. They wanted to do this by SETTING HIM ON FIRE. Oh, oh, but it wasn’t THAT bad, because they’d set one of their monks on fire too! And the most righteous man would be saved my God.
...
OH. MY. WORD.
SO ROLA ACCEPTED.
Except he called for a stand in. So his good buddy whoever decided to TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE.
This made him look more like a coward and his followers were like wat.
So there was a debate if there really should be the trial by fire. IT was kinda pointless since Rola wasn’t even being set on fire. And then it started raining and they called the whole thing off. The crowd got in quite a ruckus, but they went home because they were getting wet.
You know who else was in a ruckus? Mr. P-to-da-ope. He was mad. And so the logical thing to do here is arrest Rola. Now that really /was/ a logical move. I mean, yeah. I don’t know. Pope: 1. Everyone else: a bajillion.
So Rola was put through court. Admit heresy, or torture. He chose torture.
At 45, Rola withstood the torture.
So Rola and his friends were dragged to a town square. He and his friends were stripped publicly, stoned, hung, strangled, burned, and then they threw their ashes in a river. In that order.

*LEGASP*

So you guyz muhmeber the Italian Rennisance. You guyz muhmember Cosimo. Cosimo de’Medici. Well there were more de’Medicis in Italy. There were some great de’Medicis, and a lot were great. But there are only ONE magnificent. And he was Cosimo’s grandson. He loved the arts, the classics, music, architecture, and allathat jayazz. So the golden ages were returning, and Lorenzo the Magnificent was ruling.
BUT HE HAD SOME ENEMIES.
Another family were 4srs about getting him off of the “throne.” And an Archbishop and Lorenzo weren’t really bestfrands.
So the family and the Archbishop got together and they ~planned~.
*LEGASP*
They were going to kill Lorenzo.
*LEGASP*
BUT WAIT.
*LEGASP*
They were going to do it ON SUNDAY.
*LEGASP*
ON EASTER.
*LEGASP*
DURING CHURCH.
*LEGASP*
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
*LEGASP*
...
SO THEY DID IT.
They stabbed Lorenzo’s brothah TO DEATH. It was not just a quick little thing, they like tackled him and did it over and over and over.
But Lorenzo only got a cut from the fight.
So Lorenzo was outta the church, and the Archbishop decided to rouse the crowd/mob/riot AGAINST the de’Medici family.
So do you think that they all were like “YAH FREEDOM WOO FORGET THE DE’MEDICIS.”
OR were like like “LOLNOPE”
Well, they were all pretty confused after the MURDER THEY ALL JUST WITNESSED.
however, they still had good common sense. They yelled something in Italian, which translates to “LONG LIVE THE BALLS!”
...
psh...
PSHAHAHA
LOLOLOLOL
Ok.
Uhm...
Ok.
So the Archbiship did a pretty bad job of turning the crowd against the family. So what’d they do? THEY HUNG THE ARCHBISHIP AND THE MURDERER. So we just have, you know, a little riot.
The other murderer was stripped and dragged around the street.
Yeah. It’s a riot.

So news of this reached Mr. P-to-da-ope. He learned that the Archbishop had been hung, and he got rull mad. He punished the city of Florence and he excommunicated Lorenzo.

So if this weren’t Harsh enough (it gets worse.), Mr. P-to-da-ope started a war. Against Florence. WITH NAPLES.
BUT WAIT! It’s about to get more interesting.
In response to this crisis, Lorenzo decided tooo...
GO TO NAPLES ALONE TO TALK WITH THE KING WHO HAD DECLARED WAR AGAINST HIM.
It’s like Obama goin’ over to have a little chit-chat wif (enter good analogy here because I can’t th ink of one.)
He could have gone and killed Lorenzo right there, but he was too confused to do it. So he decided to let Lorenzo explain what was goin’ on. Apparently, he explained himself pretty well, because he stayed in Naples for THREE MONTHS AS AN HONOURED GUEST.
So they cancelled the war.
And Mr. P-to-da-ope just said “Meh. Whatever.” and he forgot the war. Lorenzo went back to Florence and the unquestioned but loved ruler. He got 70 peeps to help him rule - a council, if you will. The Council of 70. That’s the legit name. It’s like the Super Committee. Council of 70, Super Committee. Original names.
So Lorenzo was in every parade, had a lot of books, was a good politician, and was, over all, a pretty great guy. He wrote songs for carnivals, went to carnivals, employed special musicians for carnivals, and pretty much had a good time. At carnivals. Andeven when there weren’t carnivals, people sang his songs and danced in the streets because everybody likes a good PARTAYY~.
His passion for music was deeper than carnival stuff though. He wrote sonnets, love sonnets, nature sonnets, hymns, Biblical plays, and allathat. And pretty much, everybody loved him. He was a patron of the arts, and he influenced a guy named Sandro Botticelli. He was a painter, and he brought Greek/Roman mythology to life via painting. lolno not really. But he painted a lot of mythology stuff and he did it REALLY well. So Botticelli had been paintin’ mythology stuff, and a preacher came in and said to all of Florence, “YOU GUYS SHOULD REPENT.” So Botticelli decided to stop painting mythology stuff and he decided to ONLY paint Bibley stuff.
Now because Lorenzo was so epicawesomesaucewin, I wish I could say he lived a long time. But he didn’t. So he died, and the whole town, and ALL of Italy, mourned his passing. He died at 43, with the same priest that converted Botticelli praying over him.

Renaissance Man.

Ok. So. There was this guy. His name was Cosimo de’Medici. We’ll call him Mo the other Mo.)
And his family was very big and very famous. Three of the people in his family were Popes, Mo’s grandson was called “The Great” and three women in his family were queens. And Mo was the father of his country.
So Mo was responsible for getting the renaissance out the door.
So, Mo lived in Italy. Go figure. So it wasn’t all nice and together like you see it today. It was kinda like Greece was, with a buncha little city-states. They were ruled by rich peeps instead of kings, and they all fought with each other.
One of these city states was Florence, which was the home of Mo. They were bankers, and they had some moneh. And with wealth and power, they decided they’d rule Florence. Nobody stopped them. Mo was the second Medici to rule Florence, and everyone liked him. He liked to read stuffz, and so he bought books directly from the scholars that were fleeing from Istanbul/Constantinople. So Mo just bought the books, which were Greek Manuscripts and stuff from SPA (For those of you who don’t remember, SPA is Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. SPA~!) So Mo spent lotsa moneh on books. He had THOUSANDS of books written in Latin and Greek. He shared his books with people though, so that was good. In fact, he started an academy centered around his books from Plato. The people that studied there were called Humanists, and you can guess what they studied. Most of these peeps left God out of their buzznezz though D:
Some didn’t though!
Anyway, most did leave God out. *le sniffle*
So now let’s talk about some of Mo’s friends. Four of them.
The first was named Philippo Brunelleschi. We shall call him Phil.
AND HE WAS AN ARCHITECT.
So he liked to build stuffz. And he didn’t like the gothic stuff that was old from the Medieval times.

So Phil decided to look at the Greek and Roman stuff. So you can guess why Mo and Phil were friends. In fact, Phil moved to Rome for a little bit so he could look at the ruins. Phil as a famous dome too. It’s called the Dome of Florence. SO ORIGINAL. But he got to do it over some buzznezz with an egg that I’m not going to get in to because it’s a really long story.
So another one of Mo’s friends was a dood named Donatello. We’ll call him Don.
So Don likah tah play wif dah clay.
Well it was probably stone, but whatever.
Don was a sculptor, and like Phil, he liked to study Greek stuffz for his inspiration. In fact, he went to Rome with his good buddy Phil. And Don was a really really good sculptor.
So Don left Rome and went back to Florence. His work spread, and he has a lot of good statues.
Some of you might know Donatello, though to most of you, he's a turtle.
Okbutso.
We need to take a break real quick from Mo’s friends.
Mo influenced a lot of people about humanism stuffz. However, artists were slow with this stuff. There wasn’t a whole lot of Humanism stuffz in their art. Why? Because the church bought a lot of art. And they wanted nice, religious stuffz in their art. So if the artists were Christian, Humanist, or whatever, their work was mostly religious because the Church was paying them.
Ok. So. There were two artists. One was a Monk, and one was a Monk. One was painting sincerely, and the other was just doing it because he was getting paid.
Fra Angelico was the sincere one, and a friend of Mo. Fra was a nice guy. He was gentle and nice and kind and all that jayazz. His work is nice and inspiring, and even though he was invited to live the life of an Arch-Bishop, he decided to continue to live as a Dominican Monk. And Fra made a few paintings for out good buddy Mo.
Something odd about him was that he was still considered a Medieval artist, not a Rennisancian artist. Derp.
So now there’s... The other guy. Fra Philippo Lippi. ...
...
PSHAHAHA.
Ok, ok, sorry.
But.
Uhm.
He was hardly the angle that Fra A. was. Now, Fra P. was a good artist and all, but he had a bad reputation for... mingling with the nuns. He even had... A GIRLFRIEND. *gasp*
So he was asked to leave the monastery. He still got to keep his monk title though.
And this one time Mo LOCKED FRA P. UP IN A CELL TO MAKE HIM FINISH HIS PAINTING. So he decided to tie his bed sheets together and escape.
lulz.
So Soon, Mo died. He was a peaceful guy in his last few years. He was appreciated for all he did for Italy, and everyone grieved over him. He died peacefully, and is honored as the father of the Italian Renaissance.
OHBAITUHWAI.
There's a link up top. No, not the titles. When y'all comment (because I know you will), click the title again. Listen to the beeeutifuhl music from the History Lady, whose name I forgot again :c