Just Skip This One Because It's Really Stupid But I Have To Put It Up Anyway This Title Is Riciculously Long And I Can't Spell That Word And I Don't Care And You're Not Supposed To Capitalize The Word And Or The Or But Or Or But Just DEAL WITH ITTTTT.

So I can’t think of a better way to open this up than to say we’re gonna talk about some ladies today.

THIS LADY. Her name is Isabella De’ste. She was smart. She was pretty. She was modest. She was gracious. She was fun-loving. Everyone loved her. She married an Italian Duke to be an Italian Dutchess.

BUT THE DUKE MADE HER ALL SAD PANDA.

But she was gettin all too much into prettiness and she got some artist people that were all over the place to sculpt her and paint her. But she wasn’t really satisfied until Titian painter her looked about 40 years younger than she really was. Hurpderpdurp.

NEXT LADY. Lucretia Borgia. She waz bein’ da Mr. P-to-da-opes Duaghter and guuuuurl she be da Cesare’s sistahhh. She be gettin all duh shtuff and she waz be havin tew Baby daddehs but day waz bot dey both got ded by her bro. An she didn let no teechahs teech her bayybayys she teeched uhm hershelf. And guuuurl she was thuh pruttiest gurl in tuh hizhouse and she be all up in thuh poetry buzznuzz and she all up in da artzz bein all sponserin and guuurl she went to Church evvry Sunday. An she got deed like her two babydaddehs when she had her seventh an everyone was all sad when she got all up wif her other babbydaddehs in the hevven. An when dey saw her dey was all “LOOCREESHUHHH~!”

ANOTHER LADY~! You guys remember the nice old woman that befriended Michelangelo? This is that lady! And, you see, her husband wasn’t a very nice man. He was always away on wars and with other people, but she still loved and honoured him. After he died, she did not remarry. And she was pretty much all artsy and poetry.

THIRD LADY. This chick was born in 1492. Ring a bell? IT SHOULD. Her name was Margaret. She was French (Honhonhon~) but she became the queen on Navarre. Which was between Spain and France. She was realy smart and all nice and stuff. She hung out with the scholars and she wrote and stuff. She wrote, but most of it was Romance which most people frowned upon. And she was very tolerant. She supported the Humanists, the Catholics, AND the Reformers. Which was odd. And also frowned upon.

THEN THIS LADY. Lady Reformer. But also a nun. She wanted to take the nuns back to their roots, because they had been partayin it up with the monks. So she opened up a convent in Spain! IT was named the shoeless convent, because she wanted them all to live in poverty. And she was really strict with that poverty buzznuzz. Even the inquisition was like “Are you sureee?”

FIFTH LADY. Her name was Anne Askew. Oh, poor girl. “ASKEW YOU!” But anyways. This lady was really into the Reformation. She was a follower of Martin Luther, but her daddy made her marry a Catholic. The marriage failed (duh) and she became a preacher in London! Which is weird. But whatever. While she was in London, she became friends with the last wife of Henry VIII. Anyways, Anne was arrested many times for handing out Protestant literature. She was also tortured to give the name of other protestants. She did not say a word, though. Well, except for the general cries of pain, but not any names. She was burned at the stake, and was unable to walk to her own execution or stand for it due to being stretched too hard on the Rack. Well, that’s lovely.

LIGHTER HISTORY LADY. Sofonisba. SOPHA NIS-BAH. She was a famous portrait artist, and there were only about 40 ladeees who succeeded at it. And Sofonisba was probably the most famous. She was hired by the Duke of Spain, and then the Queen and King of Spain. She was married to a Ship’s Captain, and she painted self portraits and she was really pretty.

Well.

Th-that’s it.

The... end?

Sneaky Little Polisticsss. Wicked, Tricksy, False!

Today, I received some horrible news.
You guys remember Paul the Octopus?
HE’S DEAD NOW.
Actually, he’s been dead for about a year. The one year anniversary was on the 26th of October.
BUT STILL, HIS NAME HAS LIVED ON, HAS IT NOT?
Yes, it has.
You know whose name has lived on too?
Niccolo Machiavelli.
...
Honestly, I’ve never heard of this guy. His name lives on as a political term.
I guess I’m just one of those weird homeschoolers or something.
Why would that be?
BECAUSE IT REFERS TO TRICKSEY DECEITFUL AND DISHONEST POLITICS, THAT’S WHY.
So we can only assume that Niccolo was similar.
BUT.
As you can probably tell, Nic was a full-blooded Italian. He came from Florence. And by now, you guys should know how Florence worked. Lots of men running around painting other men and sculting other men and writing and painting and sculpting and FASHION DESIGNING FABULOUS.
So at the time Nic was around, Lorenzo was around for a little bit.
AND THEN ROLA.
but only for about 6 years.
And the remaining Medicis were overthrown.
So here is where Nic comes in.
He was hired to work for Florence. The Renaissance was in full swing by now.
So Nic was working in Politics and government stuffz. He worked for a man named Cesare Borgia.
Now let’s take a look at Cesare’s family.
THE BORGIAS.
They were a a ~sinister~ clan from Spain, and they HATED the Medicis. (Mark one.)
DUH DUH DUHHH.
They were very rich and powerful, and one of them was a Pope. A really bad Pope. He has lots of children.
Not wifes. Or a wife. (two)
Multiple children.
AND CASARE WAS ONE OF THEM. (three)
So he was like triple bad.
And, of course, he decided to go for the fourth bad by being charming, good looking, intelligent, and was a PARTAY ANIMUHHHL. (fourrr.)
He took advantage of his father’s position (five.) to get things he wanted (six).
Because of his father, Cesare was appointed as a cardinal in the church. However, he soon grew weary of church buzznuzz. (seven.)
So he got his father to get him out of the position. (eiiiight.)
He also went on long. Expensive. Journeys. (nine.) Which were more exciting than his marriage, if you catch my drift. (TEN.)
He shot prisoners for sport as well. (Eleven?)
And...
EW.
EWEWEWEW.
He was in love with his sister. (TWELVE.)
And so he murdered her husband. (Thirteen.)
He also murdered a lot of other people, but hey. Let’s just count that as one. (FOUR. TEEN.)
Also, he was jealous because his brother was a soldier. So he murdered him. (fifteen.)
FIF.
TEEN.
FIFTEEN.
FIFTEEN BAD MARKS.
So he was pretty much evil.
AND IT WAS THIS SCARY EVIL DOOD THAT NIC WORKED FOR.
So he watched in his position he held for fourteen years as Cesare got everything he wanted. However, Cesare did not last fourteen years.
For Florence, it was good riddance. So the Medicis came back, and Nic was arrested. And not only was he arrested, but he was tortured and sentenced for exile. It was not a fun place.
Nic really really wanted Italy to be a country, not a bunch of city-states. He wanted to be like Spain, England, and France.
So while dood was in exile, he began to write.
HE WROTE ESSAYS.
He wrote a particularly long essay on how to solve the problems of Italy. It was about how the power of one person could shape an entire nation. Guess who one of the role-models was for this?
Cesare.
OH, nevermind that he was a ruthless murderer! Nevermind that he was a Renaissancian gangster! Nevermind that he was probably insane!
Let’s take a quote.
“It is far better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.”
“A prince should not deviate from what is good, but he should know how to do evil if it is necessary.”
“Violence should be inflicted, once for all.”
“Princes, who have achieved great things, have given their word lightly, have known how to trick men with cunning, and have overcome those abiding by honest principles.”
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IS THIS GUY /INSANE/?
WHAT.
WHAT.
WHATWHATWHAT.
So this al summed up:
IF YOU’RE A JERKFACE, YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR.
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NOW BEFORE WE MAKE NIC SOUND ANY WORSE (if that’s possible?)
Historians do not agree on if it’s a fo rhulz essay. If it was a satire or not.
Some people think it’s simply an observation. Not how he believed, but just what he saw.
But as you can guess, many a dictator has appreciated these works.
Genius decided to send the Medicis a copy.
The didn’t like it, and he stayed in exile.
He also wrote ANOTHER essay, which totally contradicted the first one.
I’m thinkin’ he just hated exile, so he decided to try and write whatever would get him in good with the Medicis.
He also wrote things other than political stuff. He wrote history, poetry, and comedy.
wut.
I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem like a very humorous guy.
BUT.
His name lives on, even if it was supposed to used in the way it is or not.
If that makes sense.