LOL WHAT AM I DOING

Ok So You Guys Remember How That Guy Was All Piratey?

COURSE YOU DO.

Anyway, that colony that disappeared? Well about that time, there was this whole war going on with the English and Spanish. As you’d guess.

AND THE ENGLISH BEAT THE SPANISH INTO THE DUST.

Er, the sand.

INTO THE SAND. OR, UH, THE WAVES. ER. JUST. FORGET THAT ANALOGY. THEY BEAT THEM PRETTY BAD.

But whai.

BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS A JERK.

Remember Catherine?

phsaw that doesn’t help at all.

Catherine of Argon? His FIRST WIFE? To whom he was married for 20 years and proceeded to kick to the curb for a 15 year old?

That chick?

SHE WAS SPANISH.

And the Spanish never really got over it.

Then Bloody MAry!

Who died.

Then he courted Elizabeth!

And he got dumped.

Then his son did too!

Then war.

And Spain was also kinda derpy with the Netherlands because William the Silent.

So they just kinda sat there and tried not to kill anyone. Which was hard with Elizabeth and all her pirates. She was like, “GO, GO PLUNDER THE SPANISH. HA HAH HA HA~!”

So Philip just played hard to get pretended not to notice. And then Elizabeth was like “I THINK I MIGHT MARRY THIS FRENCH DUKE.” And then Philip turned on his swagger continued ignoring Elizabeth. Which she didn’t do. So instead she helped the Dutch. Against Spain.

Then Elizabeth executed Mary Queen of Scots, because she was Catholic. Which was kinda an “I HATE YOU SO MUCH.” wink towards Spain.

And then...

England learned about this littletinyGIANT ARMADA.

Anyway. Spain actually loved Philip, even though everyone else HATED HIM SO MUCH. He became king at 16, which was pretty young. He was married a lot, but most were political so it wasn’t all I’M GONNA BE HENRY.

He wrote letters to his wife and his daughters and he was actually a pretty nice guy.

except to his son who he locked in a tower :D

Anyway. He was nice and calm and he was pretty awesome. Except to everyone else but that doesn’t matter.

But Uhh.

He Kinda Lost.

So he kinda had the largest armada ever assembled ever. It was called the Invincible Armada. Which means they’re so gonna win.

And England had a pretty small navy. Herpderp. But everyone was all excited about war so basically they were better, I guess.

And all these pirates of England were like YEUH. But so were the Spanish.

But they had two way different strategies.

Spain thought it’s be a good idea to board all these ships and fight man to man. However, England liked to shoot things out of canons and sink ships.

((I am aware I spelled cannon “incorrectly.” It was totally intentional and you get all of my love if you know what im doing here iiiilll stop talking now please ignore this))

Anyway,

So basically one of the Admirals set fire to 8 of he ships and sailed them off into the Spanish Armada seawaterarea.

And they all yelled and screamed and fled over to France!

They kinda surrendered. However, they had to go AROUND ENGLAND because the wind was being stupid. So they just kinda went around England. And the ships were so big 17 of their ships derped.

That is beautiful.

Philip just kinda locked himself in an itty bitty room and didn’t really talk to anyone.

ELIZABETH WAS PARTYING.

And she just sent some more war fleets to Spain. Even though they already won. All of the win.

Basically, Spain got really weak 5ever.

The Dutch got helped and out from under Spain.

England got a lot stronger, and so did the Protestant Reformation.

And it also kinda let England go colonize up in North America. Because Spain couldn’t actually do anything.

THEN SUDDENLY THE GOLDEN AGE. Well, for England, at least. Spain was whining over there.

ANYWAY. SO THAT KINDA ENDED ABRUPTLY. BUT OH WELL~

OK THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.

Annnd now it’s time for another sequel!

So It really shoulda been Bloody Elizabeth instead of Bloody Mary. But I don’t pick awesome names for people.

ANYWAY.

So Mary is dead. People are happy. Elizabeth is queen. So why should she be called bloody Elizabeth?

BECAUSE SHE WAS A BLOODY GOOD QUEEN.

lol no i lied.

So Elizabeth knew England was all “asdf ohmigawsh wats goin onn am i catholic or am i protestant oh i dont even know anymore.” So she was really really careful with her decisions concerning Religion and Marriage.

She had a really really weird childhood. Because she was the daughter of good ol’ Henry the Fail and his second wife Anne Boleyn. She was really pretty and that was good, but Henry was angry because he wanted a son and Anne wasn’t really patient and she yelled at him a lot, so he killed her. Which is OBVIOUSLY the most logical thing to do.

And after she was dead, Elizabeth got to deal with it! She was removed from Henry’s castle for hopefully obvious reasons, and even though she was only two when it happened, she still was really down in the dumps. Because her mom was dead.

So Elizabeth got to go, uhh, away. But Jane Seymour was a really nice lady so she invited Elizabeth and Mary back. And she tried to make them a happy, normal, royal family, but...

Psh.

Pshh hha...

PSHA HA HA HA THAT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

But!

Henry finally got a boy outta Jane, but she died in childbirth. Which was traumatizing, but it was kinda nice to have a new little brother.

THEN HENRY MARRIED HORSEFACE!

But Horseface was really nice and treated Elizabeth like a daughter, but she was, you know, horseface.

Somehow the “We can still be friends!” line worked (lolwut?) and she still visited the kids every so often.

And then Catherine came along but she was kinda mean and nobody really liked her, but then she got killed which was still really sad because she was dead.

Then suddenly the other Catherine! And this was really good, because Elizabeth was 10 and she really needed a mother and yada yada yada. Elizabeth was given THE BEST EDUMACATOURS and she read French and Latin and Greek and played music and Italian and blah blah bluh blah and she was really really smart, etc. etc. etc.

So basically this was the best four years of her life. Up to that point, at least.

AND THEN IT CAME TO A BURNING, SCREECHING HALT OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.

And we’re gonna stop right here for a second because I’m mean and we’re gonna talk about the really really awkward situation between Mary and Elizabeth.

Mary was 17 when her father sent Catherine packin’. He then married someone TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN MARY.

This was not a political marriage.

...
FJHAKJSDNVAKJWBVOJHAB OGFJB NASDLKJBAKVJ JABRG;.

KHFKAJSDF

AGAGGAHAH
Yeah.

Then Mary got a new baby sister! From someone two years younger than her!

So there was a 17 year age difference there.

And then Anne died.

And then Jane came and made everyone happy. Mary was about 19, and Elizabeth was two. But then Jane died and everyone got sad again. More or less.

BACK TO BUZZNUZZ.

Henry died. Elizabeth, Mary, and Edward cried oceans of tears. And then Edward was king and had to suck it up.

And then he died 6 years later.

THEN IT WAS MARY’S TURN!

She was 37 and Elizabeth was 20.

Uuuunfortunately, this is when Mary and Elizabeth’s relationship dropped off a very steep cliff and into a deep abyss of hate, pain, and suffering. YAYYY~!

Mary was advised to lock Elizabeth up in the tower of London because I MEAN WHERE ELSE IS SHE GONNA PUT HER.

So she did. And she was all freakin out and she was like “LIVIN’ IT UP AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA” and so she was TERRIFIED.

So that was a lie and she did leave after about two months because she was like “Ah ha ha ha Protestant? Nooo man I’m Catholic ha ha ha sureee.”

She was kept under house arrest for a year though, and was watched really. Really. Closely.

And then when Elizabeth turned 25, she got to be Queen!

THEN SUDDENLY MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.

And Elizabeth got really scared. Because Mary Queen of Scots was Mary Queen of Scots.

But So Elizabeth kept being kinda quiet about her whole religious shtuff for about 6 months, but then she was like “PSHHH FORGET THIS” and she became the “Governor” of the Church of England.

Because Governor sounds a lot less power-crazy than “Head”.

At first, she didn’t want to KILL EVERYBODY. Which is a good thing.

I hope this is obvious.

Eventually, Protestants replaced Catholics in the government and stuff. But she wasn’t like GET RID OF ALL THE CATHOLICS like Mary. Er, like opposite Mary. Er, you know what I mean.

And then she made it illegal to celebrate Mass!

Woo hoo!

This made a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE ANGRY. But nobody was burned alive or tortured mercilessly. Which is good.

And for some reason beyond me, they changed the name of the Anglican Church of England. This was kinda a “blend” between the Catholics and the Protestants. This made some people happy, but there were those really strong purists who were like

Both sides did suffer persecution. This basically said “YOU GUIZ AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE REALLY REALLY STRONG IN YOUR FAITH, KAY?”

Annnd then Mr. P-to-da-ope was like

“ELIZABETH.

HAI. HAI HAI.

HAI ELIZABETH.

AYE DUN LIKE YEW.”

So he excommunicated her.

Catholics were really confused because they liked Elizabeth.

And Elizabeth was like “WHY DO I EVEN CARE I HAVE MY OWN CHURCH WHAT NOW.”

Anyway, now let’s shift gears.

Elizabeth was pretty. She was smart. She was nice. She was pretty. She was Queen. She was pretty.

And any guy who had a brai-

Er... Wait.

Everyone loved her. And she had about TWENTY COURTSHIPS GOIN ON.

Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...

LOLNO I LIED.

She didn’t get married. She was married to England.

And everyone else was like “ENGLAND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED”

Anyway, so take a guess as to who her first boifran was.

PHILIP.

THE.

SECOND.

MARY’S EX HUSBAND.

ASJHFKAJBGVOJGA

That needs to be like against the law or something.

...

ALSO, SHE FLIRTED WITH PHILIP’S SON.

AND THEN SHE DECLARED WAR ON THEIR COUNTRY.

“Oh, son, don’t worry. She’s just playing hard to get! She did it with me, don’t worry!”

She liked to use people to play along and political gain. She had a BIG GIANT WARDROBE full of everything. Pearls and jewels and makeup and EVERYTHING.

So eventually, she got really close to an English nobleman. His name was Robert Dudley.

...

But he was married.

D:

She really did love him, but still. He was married. And he had spent time in the Tower of London. His father and grandfather were beheaded for treason.

And then things got really really intense.

His wife “fell” down some stairs and died.

Now she probably did really fall, but a whole monkeyload of people thought he pushed her. Which he might have.

So Elizabeth ignored her heart.

And then she met a duke.

...

From France.

Yeeeah. This made a WHOLE LOT of anger from EVERYONE. Because England and France.

*giggle*

England and France had been in a whole lot of wars and hating and bleh bluh bleh bluh blah.

So Elizabeth declined the Duke and she remained unmarried until she died. She proudly called herself the Virgin Queen.

And it turns out Virginia was named after her nickname.

And there is more to the story, so we’ll throw bits and pieces in later. Because this is really really really long.

So yeah. We’ll also talk about Mary Queen of Scots later. But that’s a different lesson.

Yeah. The end~!

A Sequel! (Finally.)

Ohgosh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh gosh.

YOU GUYS RUN.

RUN AWAY. SERIOUSLY. RUN.

IT’S...

IT’S...

Bloody Mary.

Butsoanyway.

She was the daughter of Henry VIII’s FIRST wife, and when she was about 8 Herny was like “If I WANT a new wife, I’ll HAVE one. All I have to do is start up a whole new Church its’ no big deal guiz.”

So Mary got to take a vacation! Kinda! To Spain! Yay! And Mary even got to take part in the Spanish Inquisition!

She was pretty much raised by her Grandparents FERDINAND AND ISABELLA. That means she got to be a Catholic and got to watch all the Inquisition-ness!

Fast forward to the end of Henry’s reign. His will said this Ed reigned first, THEN Mary. (Then Elizabeth but shes not important.


Yet.)

So Edward VI was King. He was protestant, but Mary was Catholic. And Ed had done a LOT to promote protestant shtuff. So he was being dead at 15, and while he was dying he was talked into going against Henry’s will and choose this protestant chick they found to be the next queen.

Her name was Lady Jane Grey. And apparently, he thought this was a good idea. But she didn’t really want to be queen. But she agreed to the plan, and eventually Mary heard about all this shtuff.

So lets go back to child hood!

Mary was never allowed contact with her mother. Henry was a big giant control freak about that. But so Henry wanted Mary to sign some papers about her being an illegitimate child, but she was lyk

oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh if i do it then i’m an illegitimate child and i could die but if i dont then i’m messin with the king of england here oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh.

But so she signed the papers. Which means she was an illegitimate child. Which means all the people were like “ILLEGITIMATE CHILD” and she was like D:

Mary also fought really bad headaches and was always weak because bloodletting. She also was locked in her room whenever her sister Elizabeth came over. And she wasn’t allowed to go to Mass, so they let her do it in her room instead. But soon they took that away from her.

...

*sniffle sniffle*

BACK TO LADY JANE GREY.

So she claimed the throne and was lyk “I’M QUEEN LULZ” then Mary was like “Ha ha no I’M THE QUEEN.”

England decided Mary should be queen, and so she was. This was really big, because England had been ruled by a single queen once before. But that was it.

But Mary was actually pretty cool. She lowered taxes and was nice to the poor and she improved to budged and she was actually a very nice, pleasant woman.

THEN SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

To the king of Spain! Now, he was 11 years younger than Mary, but still. Then the rest of England was like DO NOT WANT. And Philip, her new husband, was everything Mary wanted. Young, Handsome, Spanish, Catholic, and Spanish. And Mary LOVED him.

However...

He didn’t really love her. He only stayed in England about a year after they married. Mary THOUGHT when he left that she was preggers, but that wasn’t right and she was sad because she haz no bby.

So Mary went into rage mode and kicked the protestant bishops out and replaced them with Catholic ones. She freed two of the Catholic bishops that were locked up, and put some Protestants in jail.

AND OGURL.

These bishops (The Catholic ones.) were Mary’s new advisers because Philip was busy being Spanish. Well what did they advise?

ARREST ALL THE PEOPLE!

So Mary pretty much cleared out anyone who threatened her reign.

And she also killed some people!

RUTHLESSLY!

There aren’t ANY ruths up in hur.

So one of her main advisor doods backed out of it because he wasn’t really into that line of buzznuzz.

And the whole bloody-scary-burny buzznuzz wasn’t really handled a whole lot by Mary. She allowed it, and she could have stopped it, but she was like “HA! I’M QUEEN!” and didn’t.

And the English HATED HER.

But so Philip came back and was like “Yo Mary START A WAR AGAINST FRANCE.”

And Mary was lyk “y.”

And then Philip was lyk “BECAUSE IT’S FRANCE.”

Then then Mary was lik “O ok let’s have a baby.”

Then Philip was like “wat”

Then Mary like like “WAR. and then bby.”

And Philip was like O_o

But!

They had the war, and lost their last city is France. Nice job guys!

By this time, Mary was pretty much INSANE. She liked to roll around on the floor and walk through the palace being all emo. And then she got real sick and called for Elizabeth.

Mary knew that Elizabeth was the next in line, and that Mary was a REALLY STRONG PROTESTANT.

And Mary didn’t want her work to be undone.

WELL GEE THIS SOUNDS KINDA FAMILIAR.

Anyway.

She basically said “Elizabeth ur allwd 2 mess with my Catholic shtuff here’s the crown.”

And Elizabeth was like “LOL K”

So yeah.

The end...?

BUMBUMBUMMM

Super Witty Subject Title

So this guy was a pretty important person. He pretty much risked his life to translate the Bible into English. Why was this dangerous? Because the Catholics.

His name was William, and he went to college and was a good person and herpderpderp. He was exposed to some of the best Greek scholars. And he was studying the Greek language. He was taught by the Italians, but he didn’ really flow with the whole Renaissance thing. He iwent a studyin the New Testament instead.

Now yew guys muhmember John Wycliffe? Neihter do I. But he had translated the Bible into English about 200 years ago. But that didn’t really make it to the printing press, and the LOLLARDS (fun names) were STILL hand copying it, and those copies were pretty expensive and not very accurate. Because some stuff wasn’t translated right, and some of it was different and cut short, and some people just got confused, and it basically got screwed up a few times. But the point is that Wycliffe Translated the Translation.

So Will came by and was like “I’M GUN FIX THIS.”

He goes up to the Bishop and was like “Hay can I do this?” And the Bishop was all Bishopy and was lyk “No.”

Will realized he was up in some srsbznz. England was a bag of controversy because Henry VIII was like “OH IF I WANT A NEW WIFE I’LL JUST START A WHOLE NEW CHURCH BECAUSE OF IT IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”

Ha ha.

Ha.

HA.

So Will went over to Europe and he published his first New Testament Translation in Cologne.

rmal, everyday business. But it wasn’t. It was really really dangerous. This customer was at a print shop, and he heard what was being printed there and he CALLED UP THE AUTHORITIES. This was very short notice, so Will ran through the shop, grabbed all his stuff that he could, and headed for Wyrms. This was a little bit safer, and he got about 6,000 copies out of that. Only 2 exist today. Because most of them were probably BURNED BY THE CHURCH or something.

But anyway.

You guys remember Thomas More? Yeah. He didn’t really like the ideas that Will had. At all. Which is really sad, because he was a good man and all. He wasn’t a hater or anything, he just thought people were stupid.

Now it’s time for irony~!

The Roman Catholics were like really opposed and they were all like but no y no make bible and then will was like yes i do make bible AND THEN THE CARDIN, THE HEAD DUDE UNDER TH POPE ARRESTED WILL.

Ok.

So.

In order to prevent Will’s Bible’s from hitting the streets, the Arch-Bishop of Canterbury decided to buy ALL OF THEM so he could burn them. This caused more money to go into printing more Bibles.

IT’S THE CIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIFE~!

So Will moved to the Netherlands, but he kinda stayed on the move because he was a wanted man. Unfortunately, he got tricked and someone claiming to share his views got him. He invited him to dinner, and once he was outside, he started yelling for the authorities and he was in prison for 16-18 months in the dungeon of a castle.

I’m not making that last part up. HE WAS IN THE COLD DAMP DUNGEON OF A CASTLE.

MORE IRONY~!

Thomas More was arrested and executed about the same time as Will was. Herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Anyway, Will only really wanted three things. 1: a Bible. 2: A candle. 3: A coat.

Eeeyup.

So anyways, he was condemned as a heretic, strangled, and burned. His last words were something along the lines of “May the king open his eyes.”

Well that’s... nice?

AND HERE’S WHERE IT GETS REEEUL INTERESTING.

About the same time, Henry VIII was surrounded by Reformers. He was given the idea to print the Bible, but he heard about Will and he didn’t want anything like that to happen.

So he didn’t want Will’s Bible. So it was disguised, and sent to Henry as Matthew’s Bible. Henry loved it.

HERPDERP.

Matthew’s Bible was improved, and it grew in size and was called “The Great Bible”. I was published, placed in every church WITH A CHAIN SO IT WASN’T STOLEN (what the heck) and was promoted.

Also, you guys know the King James Bible? It’s about 90 percent of Will’s. And even though it cost him his life, Will pretty much translated the Bible we read today.

(I actually use a NIV but whatever the end.)

Grab Yourself Some Popcorn.

Cause it’s gonna be a long one ;D

So we all have weird love lifes. Sorta. Not really. Some people do. You know those people. The ones whose mascara is always all down their face instead of on their eyelashes, they probably have put on weight from all the Ben and Jerry’s, and a majority of their paycheck goes to Reliable Tissue Brand Four Ply. They always freak out if the boyfriend of the week does not call them/text them, etc. etc.

Yeah.

That girl.

WELL WHAT ABOUT THE MALE VERSION?

That would be Henry VIII. Except he didn’t really cry. Or eat ice cream. Or wear mascara. Or text. He just killed the female counterpart.

Yeah. You might know that guy. I’m not going in to detail on the average “That Guy” because I don’t know a “That Guy” and I do not desire to do any field work upon the subject.
But King Henry VIII did not just kick his ex-es to the curb. He kicked them to the Tower of London, or the guillotine. Or the poison.

So let’s start with wife number one:

You see, Henry never even PLANNED on being the king. But then his brother died. FORESHADOWING~!

So Henry had to get married. At the age of 11. To a 15 year old girl. But that’s not as weird and awkward as it seems, because they were childhood friends.

No, actually, that just makes it more awkward.

But! Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand. She had long golden hair, a Spanish accent, and a lot of patience. Which she needed, considering the fact that she was married to an 11 year old boy.

So they waited a bit to get married, and they finally got married they were well loved by the people of England and they were so for a little over 20 years. They had plenty of children, but only one survived.

And that was a girl.

Who shall not be named because I don’t want to bring doom upon you all.

So Henry was all sad panda over here because he only had one child, and said child was a GIRL. So Henry believed this was because Catherine was his brother’s wife. Until, you know, he died. And he thought the problem with this was because of a certain passage in Leviticus which says “NO BROTHER’S WIFENESS.” So Henry texted his wife and was like “TEXT MESSAGE BREAK UP~!” And a cardinal came and made it all legit.

And poor, poor Catherine. She was crushed. She LOVED Henry. She didn’t think the passage in Leviticus applied to their marriage, she didn’t think God was mad at them, and she didn’t want to annul the marriage.

So the poor cardinal was so confused. Catherine wanted to stay with Henry, Henry wanted to have a son, and Catherina couldn’t give him a son. According to Henry, at least, but hey.

So you know how Mr. P-to-da-ope and HRE didn’t get along very well? Sometimes they did though, right? This is not one of those times. HRE and P-to-da-ope are fighting. You see, Catherine was the aunt of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Henry wanted the Cardinal to talk to Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he could not and would not hurt Catherine with an annulment.

So it’s really confusing. It’s like a daytime soap opera! And when Henry learned he was refused an annulment, he was mad.

He was realllly really mad.

So he fired the Cardinal! And then he had a little court. In this court, he was given a “secret” annulment. Mr. P-to-da-ope was not too happy about that. So Henry hired a new Cardinal who was expected to back Henry up for a legit annulment.

But the Cardinal didn’t want to do that!

And Henry was furious again!

So everyone’s mad, sad, fired, or dead. Herny is in a difficult position. He needs an annulment, but nobody else really wants one. So he does the only logical thing.

Tries to have a son again! Resorts to blackmail!
So he talked a group of bishops into passing a bill which said that he was the head of the Church of England.

WHAT THE HECK.

JUST WHAT DID HE USE TO TALK THEM INTO THAT?

So that way, he didn’t need anybody’s approval to annul his marriage. He killed the Cardinal, and annulled his marriage. Er, he got an Archbishop to annul it officially, but he pretty much did it himself.

There goes wife number one. She was tucked away to live her life as the ex-Queen, and was NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN HAHAHAHA~!

WIFE NUMBER TWO!

Her name was Anne Boleyn. He was married to her /before/ the official annulment. Oh, by the way, she was FIFTEEN.

Ok, so, that’s not that bad, right? I mean, Catherine was 15 when she was engaged, so that’s not too bad.

But she waited to get married. Let’s say they waited... four years? That would mean Henry was married at 15. They were married for twenty years.

THAT MEANS HE WAS THIRTY FIVE.

Eeeugh.

For years, Anne refused to be Herny’s girlfrand. She was lyk “Nonono you’re married that’s not good for me to be garlfran while you’re married.”

It’s pretty much assumed that she was the reason Henry didn’t, you know, try to have another kid with Catherine.

Henry was also in kinda-creepy-stalker-with-a-crush-mode. He wrote her all sorts of love letters and all that explaining his infatuation with her. But she still refused. Of course, this just made Henry want her mooore. If that’s possible. Eventually, she cracked under pressure and moved in with him. She, of course, got preggers.

I GOT PREGNAAAAANT~!

No.
But~~~. After a month of pregnancy, they got married. Secretly. So 8 months later, SHE HAD BABBY.

Which was, of course, a girl. Named Elizabeth.

So Henry wanted three things from Parliament. And they gave him three things.

Number one: The king of England, NOT the Pope, was the supreme head of the Church of England.

Number Duo: Mary, Henry’s daughter, would NOT inherit the throne.

Numbah Three: ALL of the kings subjects had to sign an oath that said Elizabeth and any children Anne had could inherit the throne.

Annnd then he fell out of love with her. He began to hate her, actually. And she wasn’t as patient as Catherina was, and she was really really jealous, because Henry liked to notice other women.Which he did a lot.

And the people of England didn’t like her. At allll. They accused her of wichcraft. Poor girl couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling at her.

And three years into their marriage, Herny charged her with adultery and plotting to kill him. She was locked away into the tower of London, given the death penalty, and was killed. Her “boyfriends” were killed first, which also was a big blow against Anne, because everyone was innocent. Except for Herny, of course.

So a week after she was beheaded, Herny was married again.

On to number three~!

Because Anne was an adulteress and was dead, Henry could marry without guilt! And the lucky Jane Seamour was the girl. She was a maid in the king’s court, which is slightly horrific because you can guess how long he had his eye on her.

But 17 months after their wedding, Jane gave birth to a....









SON~!

Yew guiz thought i waz trollin werent yewww ;D

The newborn prince’s name was Edward. However, twelve days after Ed was born, Jane died.

This made Henry sad. Yes, Henry had a heart. Like, a legit one. He said that Jane was the best queen they ever had. Aww~ :3

Well remember that Archbishop that gave Henry his annulment? Well he and a secretary named Thomas Cromwell were getting involved in the reformation! And you know how that kind of stuff goes. They wanted Henry to break even further from the Catholic church than he already had. Buuut Herny wasn’t really Protestant, and he didn’t agree with anything Martin Luther said. Except for the “less Popey Power” buzznuzz.

The Archbishop and the Secretary still went on with their reformation, dissolving monasteries and fixing stuff up. Henry was fine with it because he got the land from them. It was a win-win.

Anddd Wife number four~!!!!

Anne of Cleves was the “lucky” girl. Why her?

Well Thomas Cromwell, the secretary, really wanted England to break away from Rome. Like Germany. And he thought Henry should marry a German princess! Of course!

And that was a really good idea! Sorta.

Kinda.

Not really.

They THOUGHT it was a good idea.

Well, Henry believed that Anne was going to be a lovely, impressive, delicate young woman.

Anne was a ugly, unrefined woman. She was older than Henry liked, and could hardly speak English. She was more rugged and well built than Henry. And she was kinda looked like a horse.

http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-12027-Horse-Head-Mask/dp/B003G4IM4S

You know you want this so you can look like a German/English princess. You know it.

ANYWAY.

She was very nice in personality and everything, but he didn’t love Anne like a wife. Or at wall. I mean, yeeeah, they ate supper together. And they drank beer. Of course they drank beer, she’s German. But anyways. Six months later, they had their marriage annulled. And neither of them really cared.

She continued to live in England on a decent budget.

And Thomas, who had this genius idea? He was beheaded. He was pretty much given no mercy. The man who painted the beautiful picture of the not-so-beautiful woman was forgiven.

On to number five~!

Catherine Howard. On the same day as Cromwell’s execution, Herny was married. Again.

And she was a teenager. Of course.

Same old same old, the marriage went kaploink in about two years. Annulment. But this time, it was against HENRY’S wishes.

Because she was a teenager, she was pretty airheaded. And she was unfaithful. But she gave him a lot of attention, which he was cool with. Archbishop didn’t really like Catherine, because she was Roman Catholic. So he stirred up a story about her old boyfrand, which actually led way to a real secret of hers.

She was dating some people in the court~!

She confessed to be guilty of adultery, and she was beheaded along with some maids who helped her cover the secret and her boyfran.

Henry had a taste of his own medicine. Because right before all this buzznuzz, he held a BIG PARTY and bragged about her being awesome and wonderful and awesome and beautiful and rosey and not thonry and awesome and cool and boxxy she was. And he felt stuuupiiid. She dropped him, and he sat stupified.

So we got wife number sixx~!

Her name was ALSO Catherine. I think if I was named Catherine or Anne, I would move out of the country.

But this woman was 31. She was widowed twice, and Henry and Catherine were married about a year and a half after Catherine the second was dropped.

And Catherine was a good little wife. This was amazingly stable considering what had happened, and this marriage stayed. She raised his children, but she was Protestant. She tried to explain her views to Henry, but he didn’t like that so he put her in time out. She learned to keep her mouth shut. Henry got sick though and he died four years after Catherine and he married. He was only 55 years old. He’s buried at Windsor Castle, right next to Jane. Catherine married a few years later, but died soon after.

So what did Henry actually, you know, /do/? He Knew three languages, loved the classics, was interested in music, art, and dancing. He hunted, entertained, and built ships. However, he didn’t actually do anything. Except for marry people who were kicked to the curb under soon afterwards. He didn’t reform anything. He put bibles in churches, yeah, but not for reformation. IT was for rebellion against Rome. Not because, “Hey,this isn’t right. We need Bibles in the church!” Because. “Hey! I’m Henry! I can do whatever I want~!”

So when Henry died, Edward came in. But he died. Then (name removed for the safety of all) took over, and then Elizabeth. And they alllll wereee differenttt. Edward was Protestant, the (first queen) was Roman Catholic, and Elizabeth brought back the Church of England.

But that’s a different story.

Which will be here soon~ Hang tight!