THE FINAL INSTALLEMENT (fo' realz this time.)

LOLOLOL THAT’S WAS FUNNY HOW I DROPPED YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Ok
So.
More Christopher Columbus~!
So he had ANOTHER voyage. With his brother, Christ and... His brother started the first European colony in UMERCUH.
Ok so it actually wasn’t UHMERCUH. It was actually Haiti. Butso Chris and his buddies decided to take the Haitians as slaves. And the Haitians couldn’t really decline because Chris had guns and horses. They tried, buttt unfortunatelyyy, Chris did not resolve the conflict peacefully. He decided to just kill a buncha people to get everyone in order.
And somewhere along the way, Chris started demanding gold every three months. Oh! Also, those who did pay him had cute little bronze bracelets. And those who didn’t got their arms lopped off! Yayyy!
So he went back home to Spain. He told everyone how awesome it was that he took all these people in to Slavery and chopped off their arms and everyone just kinda stared at him.
Sooo Chris went on ANOTHER journey. He went over to Venezuela. He called it the Other World because he couldn’t call it the New World becuase there already was a New World. So Isabella and Ferdinand sent new help with him to go back to the colony where he was CUTTING PEOPLE’S ARMS OFF and he got arrested. The new help took charge, and Chris sat in chains. He was sent back to Spain as a prisoner, and Isabella freed him and fired the leader of the colony back in Haiti.
Chrissy claimed that his trips were the fulfillment of Isiah’s prophecy to share the gospel message with those who had not seen God’s glory. Well, that’s nice.
So Chris took yet ANOTHER VOYAGE. So this time he dragged his son along with him. In fact, a lot of the crew were teenagers. They were going to try to find a passage through UHMERCUH. Of course it didn’t really exist. But Chris knew there was another ocean SOMEWHERE, but he was never able to prove that he was right.
So this was the most difficolt most chalenging hardest voyage yet. They ate their food at night so that they wouldn’t have to see the worms in it. EWEWEW. Their clothes were always soaked. And they had a few problems with the natives.... There was some bloodshed. Chris’s faith got kinda fuzzy. They got marooned in Jamaica and a ship came to help them. When he got back to Spain, Isabella was too sick to meet with him. Ferdinanad wasn’t gonna give him more money (HMMIWONDERWHY). So Chris died alone.
Ok, so, America was not even named after Christopher Columbus. It was named after Amerigo Vespucci. He was Italian.
So.
Uhm.
Yeah.
That was uber anti-climatic compared to our last lessons.
But whatevar~!

4 teh lulz

THIS IS THE POST YOU’VE ALLL BEEN WAITIN’ FOOOO’. The post that answers all your questions... ABOUT CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
But you’re gonna have to wait sum maor because before I get in to that I have some stuff to tell you.

So Christopher Columbus is on land. He met some Indians. BUT.
THERE IS *NO* EVIDENCE THAT HE WENT IN TO AMERICA.
So it was all a lie. HE DIDN’T EVEN DISCOVER IT. HE JUST DISCOVERED THE BAHAMAS.
Also, he didn’t even know he was in the Bahamas (so they sayyy.). He thought he was in Japan. So since he thought he was in Japan, he sent in some peeps with official letters and jazz to the emperor.
Some map-maker.
Anyway, Chris over hurr is why we call our Native Americans “Indian”. Why? Because he thought they were Indians.

FAIL.

Chris here really wanted to share the gospel with the Indians. He thought that they were not religious. Which was odd, because I am pretty sure they had gods. Yeah. They had a buncha gods. HMMTHAT’SREALLYODD.
Also, Chris didn’t JUST want to share the gospel. He wanted to find MONEYYY. In fact, he only wanted gold when it came to money. He SAID that it was to go to the holy land, but you know... I mean... Meh.
IT WAS A LIE.
So Columbus wanted money. He wanted to explore. HE WAS A SPY TOO.
So then they lost the Santa Claus.
On Christmas Eve.
LOLOLOLOLOL
So then they went back to Spain. The Nunya and the Piñata were their only ships, but they got caught up in a storm. But they got back pretty good. Chris dropped by his buddy KING JOHN and He laughed at John.
Then he went to Spain.
Ohboi.
Chris got to Spain and recieved a big welcome. He got the title Admiral of the Ocean Sea. He got the Rank of Nobility, and he was promised to govern Newly Discovered Land.
AND OGURL. U KNO WHUT ELZ HE B GETTIN?
He got to wear his hat in front of the king and queen. It was some sort of honor or something to that extent.
Hmm.
Well.
That’s nice.
AND THEN...
CAME...
HIS...
DOWNFALL.

bumbumbumm~!










(You guys thought I was gonna tel you his downfall, didn't cha? WELL BE PATIENT.)

A LIAR AND A THEIF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.

Today, my friends, this is about....
THE LIAR.
THE FAKER.
THE TROLL.
THE.
THE...
THE FAKE DISCOVERER OF AMERICA.
Ok. So. Christopher Columbus SAID he discovered America first. BUT THAT IS... A LIE. Christopher Columbus’s life was FULL of mystery and riddles.
OGURL.
A lot of people disagree about his geneology. WHO WAS HE RELATED TO? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHO IS THIS lying MAN?
Also, where exactly did he land? DID HE EVEN LAND? DID HE EVEN LAND IN AMERICA? ~NOBODY KNOWS~
And what about his faith? HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CHRISTIAN. BUT A LOT OF ACTIONS CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES. WAS HE REALLY A CHRISTIAN? HE WAS A LIAR. THAT’S WHAT HE WAS.
Christopher Columbus wrote in his diary (tee hee~ :3) that he was born in Genoa, Italy. A buncha history books claim that Chris was Italian.
BUT SOME PEOPLE THINK HE WAS GREEK. THERE IS EVIDENCE THAT HE WAS GREEK. HE COULD HAVE BEEN A SPANISH JEW. HE COULD HAVE BEEN PORTUGUESE. THERE’S EVIDENCE FOR ALL OF IT. HE’S A LIAR.
Whatever he was, he SURE AS MONKEYS WASN’T ITALIAN.
In factttt...
HE WAS PROBABLY A SPY TOO.
A PORTUGAL SPY. FOR THE KING.
BECAUSE HE WAS SENT TO SPAIN TO LURE SPANISH SOLDIERS AWAY FROM AFRICA BECUZ IT WAS THE PORTUGUESE'S TRADE ROUTES..
But no 4srs that’s a legit theory.
And Christopher Columbus isn’t like one of those names like Cosimo de’Medici.
AND THERE IS EVEN EVIDENCE THAT HE CHANGED. HIS. NAME.
Isn’t that really suspicious? Like, really weird?
SPIES CHANGE THEIR NAMES ALL THE TIME. AMIRITE?
Chris (if that’s even his real name!) used the name Cristoval Colon. Sometimes, Cristoval is spelled Cristobal.
OGURL.
Also, there aren’t any pictures of Chris. NONE. NO PORTRAITS. Any of the pictures you see today were not painted when he was alive.
ISN’T THAT KINDA WEIRD?
WHO EXACTLY WAS CHRIS?
Also, he has a weird signature. Because it was made up of GREEK AND LATIN LETTERS IN THE SHAPE OF A PYRAMID ON FOUR LINES
Check it:

Uhmyeah.
That’s...
weird.
IT’S KINDA SUSPICIOUS.
NOBODY REALLY SPOKE GREEK OR LATIN.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY HE DID IT LIKE THAT.
And the last line “xpo ferens” means “Christ Bearer”
Yeah. That doesn’t make any sense.
BUT IN 1492 CHRIS SAILED THE OCEAN BLUE.
So a lot of people believe that he sailed west to just kinda go around the world and get to the east. Why did he want to go to the east? Because China, Japan, and India had silkkk and spicesss and gemmms and gollld. AND BECAUSE PRESTER JOHN.
Chris called his adventure the “Enterprise to the Indies”
Also, he was not the creator of the idea of sailing west to go east.
SO HE WAS A THIEF TOO. A LIAR AND A THIEF AND A SPY AND A TROLL.
So Chis needed some money. So King John (HIS SPYMASTER) had gotten an appeal from Chris. John turned him down. HMMTHAT’SODD. Ok so then he asked Isabella and Ferdinand (muhmeber them?)
BUT DID JOHN REALLY TURN DOWN CHRIS? DID HE USE HIM AS A DECOY? Because without funding from King John, he got a lot of Spain’s money. And without money, they couldn’t support their troops. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Ohyeah~
Ok.
Back to business.
So Chris had moved to Spain. Bella and Ferd had funded him. So it actually took Chris SIX YEARS OF BEGGING to get his funding. Hmm. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS REALLY DETERMINED. WHY DIDN’T HE PLEAD WITH JOHN? HMM? WHY? THAT’S A BIT ODD.
So after 6 years years, Isabella, who was the same age as Chris, Shared her... zealousness to go to sea. So Isabella convinced Ferd to fund him. After Isabella convinced him, Chris got the monkey outta Spain.
I WONDER IF ISABELLA SHARED ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIM HMMM IT’S A BIT ODD DON’TCHA THINK.
So Chris had some ships and 90 men. Three shrips. The Santa Claus, the
Piñata, and the Nunya.
So they set sail. The Nunya and Piñata were smaller than the Santa Claus, but they were easy to steer. They were captained by some brothers. THE PINZON BROTHERS
The Santa Claus was kinda awkward to manage, but it was 7 feet long and 12 feet wide. So they were really tiny. He called himself the “Admiral” of his “fleet”. His fleet of... three ships? None of which were that big? Oh whatever. So the brothers and Chris sailed out. They stopped at the Canary Islands, which is right off the coast of Africa.

So then they left after they stocked up. For three days they could still see land on the horizon, but after that, they could only see ocean. OGURL. And it was THREE. WEEKS. Before they saw land again. So Chris had a lot of faith in that time, but his crew was getting really tired. Chris LIED and said that they weren’t far from land.
LIAR.
LIAR LIAR PANTS OF FIRE.
So he kept two diaries. A fake one, and a legit one. On September 9th, he confessed in his legit journal that he had been lying. The fake info was not enough to keep them from getting mutinous. So at the start of the third week, they started spazzin out. Chris said, “YO, GUYS, JUST A FEW MORE DAYS. DON’T. WORRY.” But Boy-who-cried-wolf mode went on. They started thinking about throwing Chris overboard. Some thought he had a SECRET MAP THAT TOLD HIM WHERE TO GO.
Oooo THAT’S REALY WEIRD.
Because his crew had seen little glimpses of land, they were really worried.
HMM THAT’S WEIRDDD.
Also, he caught a lot of odd winds.
So they were getting really really close to land. Chris said that for the first person person who saw land got a shipment of gold and silk. That got everyone excited. They saw birds. they saw twigs. But no land. BUT THEN SOMEONE SAW IT. You know who saw land first? Chris saw land first. So he got himself a shipment.
AND THEN THEY GOT THERE.
Chris named where he landed San Salvador. That means Holy Savior. So they got to land. They were greeted by the Natives, and Chris gave them some bonnets and beads.
BUT! FOR NOW, I MUST GO. SOON, WE WILL TALK ABOUT THE REST OF HIS VOYAGE. AND... HIS LOSS OF REPUTATION.
(bambambammm!)