SOME IMPORTANT THINGS YES GOOD TITLE PURITANS ARE COOL

SO THE PURITANS.

AND THE SEPARATISTS.

they werent happy with the church.

the Church of England, that is.

AND THE SEPARATISTS SAILED OVER HERE TO ‘MERICUH AND SUDDENLY PILGRIMS

so what about the puritans

These guys were the ones that wanted to fix the Church. And some of them did sail over the America. The Boston.

AND THEY DID THAT BECAUSE JOHN

all dese johns uh

THEY DID THAT BECAUSE WINTHROP.

k das beter

SO THIS GUY WAS ENGLISH.

and so about the time that winthrop here was old enough to like make his own decisions suddenly king charles

who didnt like puritans

at all

or the separatists

BUT BASICALLY JOHN DIDN’T WANNA BE A SEPARATIST

But if the Puritans kept. Like. Being Puritans. Then they could get in trouble

SO THE IDEA OF LEAVING THE COUNTRY STARTED SOUNDING REALLY NICE.

winthrop and some other guys went up the king charles all like hey can we just like leave so we can

uh

fish

that is the only thing were gonna do were just gonna fish ok

SO CHARLES WAS LIKE YEAH SURE WHY NOT GET OUT

And before anyone ever actually left they picked Winthrop to be their governor.

das coo

AND THEN THEY WENT TO SALEM. IN 1630. WOW LOOK ITS A DATE REMEMBER THIS STUFF

1630

THEY LEFT ENGLAND. IN THE SPRING.

this was a really really really big group of people ok

the biggest, actually.

like. seriously. 700.

which was a lot. it was the largest one that had ever sailed at the time ever.

BUT

so they left derp

They were pretty good at the whole living thing though. Because they were really nice to each other. HEY WE SHOULD ALL BE PURITANS what ok anyway

So John preached some before they left. And a lot of people heard. And then a lot of people were like THESE GUYS ARE PRETTY COOL WE SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY TOO.

yeah.

BUT AFTER 72 DAYS AT SEA THEY FINALLY GOT THERE

and were really confused because there were only some huts and some tents on the beach

which werent really enough for 700 people

and there were only 82 people living there because over half the population had died or left

whoops

BUT IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD BECAUSE THE PURITANS WERE REALLY HARD WORKING PEOPLE UNLIKE THOSE IN JAMESTOWN. LIKE. IT WAS LITERALLY A PART OF THEIR RELIGION TO WORK. THEY WERE LIKE. YEAH LETS WORK. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME.

yeah. forget that idea about becoming puritans uh

AND THEY WERE REALLY SUCCESSFUL.

and in the fall he moved to boston. which he helped build.

SO YOU KNOW HARVARD

6 YEARS AFTER THE PURITANS GOT THERE THEY BUILT IT

6 YEARS

6 YEARS

THAT IS REALLY REALLY FAST OK.

education was also really really important to the puritans also. like. these werent the LOL CANT READ OR WRITE BUT WORK REAL GOOD people no they were really smart also

das real coo

also this law that was made in the new world was pretty cool too i think

If a town has 50 families, they needed a teacher. To teach the students about Christianity.

And it was called the “Old Deluder Satan Act”

welp

THIS IS ACTUALLY P COOL GOOGLE IT SERIOUSLY IT’S AWESOME

and the puritans were also pretty cool. a lot of people don’t really get that? they’re like THEY WERE BORING AND STUCK OP no man the puritans were rad ok

SO WHAT ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Basically they were also pretty cool with the Indians. They shared Christianity with them and everyone was pretty happy. They also continued on surviving, and John Winthrop was elected governor ELEVEN TIMES

the Puritans in the new world went up to TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND

yep

basically

they did everything pretty well.

the end.

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.

OK THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.

Annnd now it’s time for another sequel!

So It really shoulda been Bloody Elizabeth instead of Bloody Mary. But I don’t pick awesome names for people.

ANYWAY.

So Mary is dead. People are happy. Elizabeth is queen. So why should she be called bloody Elizabeth?

BECAUSE SHE WAS A BLOODY GOOD QUEEN.

lol no i lied.

So Elizabeth knew England was all “asdf ohmigawsh wats goin onn am i catholic or am i protestant oh i dont even know anymore.” So she was really really careful with her decisions concerning Religion and Marriage.

She had a really really weird childhood. Because she was the daughter of good ol’ Henry the Fail and his second wife Anne Boleyn. She was really pretty and that was good, but Henry was angry because he wanted a son and Anne wasn’t really patient and she yelled at him a lot, so he killed her. Which is OBVIOUSLY the most logical thing to do.

And after she was dead, Elizabeth got to deal with it! She was removed from Henry’s castle for hopefully obvious reasons, and even though she was only two when it happened, she still was really down in the dumps. Because her mom was dead.

So Elizabeth got to go, uhh, away. But Jane Seymour was a really nice lady so she invited Elizabeth and Mary back. And she tried to make them a happy, normal, royal family, but...

Psh.

Pshh hha...

PSHA HA HA HA THAT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

But!

Henry finally got a boy outta Jane, but she died in childbirth. Which was traumatizing, but it was kinda nice to have a new little brother.

THEN HENRY MARRIED HORSEFACE!

But Horseface was really nice and treated Elizabeth like a daughter, but she was, you know, horseface.

Somehow the “We can still be friends!” line worked (lolwut?) and she still visited the kids every so often.

And then Catherine came along but she was kinda mean and nobody really liked her, but then she got killed which was still really sad because she was dead.

Then suddenly the other Catherine! And this was really good, because Elizabeth was 10 and she really needed a mother and yada yada yada. Elizabeth was given THE BEST EDUMACATOURS and she read French and Latin and Greek and played music and Italian and blah blah bluh blah and she was really really smart, etc. etc. etc.

So basically this was the best four years of her life. Up to that point, at least.

AND THEN IT CAME TO A BURNING, SCREECHING HALT OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.

And we’re gonna stop right here for a second because I’m mean and we’re gonna talk about the really really awkward situation between Mary and Elizabeth.

Mary was 17 when her father sent Catherine packin’. He then married someone TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN MARY.

This was not a political marriage.

...
FJHAKJSDNVAKJWBVOJHAB OGFJB NASDLKJBAKVJ JABRG;.

KHFKAJSDF

AGAGGAHAH
Yeah.

Then Mary got a new baby sister! From someone two years younger than her!

So there was a 17 year age difference there.

And then Anne died.

And then Jane came and made everyone happy. Mary was about 19, and Elizabeth was two. But then Jane died and everyone got sad again. More or less.

BACK TO BUZZNUZZ.

Henry died. Elizabeth, Mary, and Edward cried oceans of tears. And then Edward was king and had to suck it up.

And then he died 6 years later.

THEN IT WAS MARY’S TURN!

She was 37 and Elizabeth was 20.

Uuuunfortunately, this is when Mary and Elizabeth’s relationship dropped off a very steep cliff and into a deep abyss of hate, pain, and suffering. YAYYY~!

Mary was advised to lock Elizabeth up in the tower of London because I MEAN WHERE ELSE IS SHE GONNA PUT HER.

So she did. And she was all freakin out and she was like “LIVIN’ IT UP AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA” and so she was TERRIFIED.

So that was a lie and she did leave after about two months because she was like “Ah ha ha ha Protestant? Nooo man I’m Catholic ha ha ha sureee.”

She was kept under house arrest for a year though, and was watched really. Really. Closely.

And then when Elizabeth turned 25, she got to be Queen!

THEN SUDDENLY MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.

And Elizabeth got really scared. Because Mary Queen of Scots was Mary Queen of Scots.

But So Elizabeth kept being kinda quiet about her whole religious shtuff for about 6 months, but then she was like “PSHHH FORGET THIS” and she became the “Governor” of the Church of England.

Because Governor sounds a lot less power-crazy than “Head”.

At first, she didn’t want to KILL EVERYBODY. Which is a good thing.

I hope this is obvious.

Eventually, Protestants replaced Catholics in the government and stuff. But she wasn’t like GET RID OF ALL THE CATHOLICS like Mary. Er, like opposite Mary. Er, you know what I mean.

And then she made it illegal to celebrate Mass!

Woo hoo!

This made a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE ANGRY. But nobody was burned alive or tortured mercilessly. Which is good.

And for some reason beyond me, they changed the name of the Anglican Church of England. This was kinda a “blend” between the Catholics and the Protestants. This made some people happy, but there were those really strong purists who were like

Both sides did suffer persecution. This basically said “YOU GUIZ AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE REALLY REALLY STRONG IN YOUR FAITH, KAY?”

Annnd then Mr. P-to-da-ope was like

“ELIZABETH.

HAI. HAI HAI.

HAI ELIZABETH.

AYE DUN LIKE YEW.”

So he excommunicated her.

Catholics were really confused because they liked Elizabeth.

And Elizabeth was like “WHY DO I EVEN CARE I HAVE MY OWN CHURCH WHAT NOW.”

Anyway, now let’s shift gears.

Elizabeth was pretty. She was smart. She was nice. She was pretty. She was Queen. She was pretty.

And any guy who had a brai-

Er... Wait.

Everyone loved her. And she had about TWENTY COURTSHIPS GOIN ON.

Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...

LOLNO I LIED.

She didn’t get married. She was married to England.

And everyone else was like “ENGLAND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED”

Anyway, so take a guess as to who her first boifran was.

PHILIP.

THE.

SECOND.

MARY’S EX HUSBAND.

ASJHFKAJBGVOJGA

That needs to be like against the law or something.

...

ALSO, SHE FLIRTED WITH PHILIP’S SON.

AND THEN SHE DECLARED WAR ON THEIR COUNTRY.

“Oh, son, don’t worry. She’s just playing hard to get! She did it with me, don’t worry!”

She liked to use people to play along and political gain. She had a BIG GIANT WARDROBE full of everything. Pearls and jewels and makeup and EVERYTHING.

So eventually, she got really close to an English nobleman. His name was Robert Dudley.

...

But he was married.

D:

She really did love him, but still. He was married. And he had spent time in the Tower of London. His father and grandfather were beheaded for treason.

And then things got really really intense.

His wife “fell” down some stairs and died.

Now she probably did really fall, but a whole monkeyload of people thought he pushed her. Which he might have.

So Elizabeth ignored her heart.

And then she met a duke.

...

From France.

Yeeeah. This made a WHOLE LOT of anger from EVERYONE. Because England and France.

*giggle*

England and France had been in a whole lot of wars and hating and bleh bluh bleh bluh blah.

So Elizabeth declined the Duke and she remained unmarried until she died. She proudly called herself the Virgin Queen.

And it turns out Virginia was named after her nickname.

And there is more to the story, so we’ll throw bits and pieces in later. Because this is really really really long.

So yeah. We’ll also talk about Mary Queen of Scots later. But that’s a different lesson.

Yeah. The end~!

Grab Yourself Some Popcorn.

Cause it’s gonna be a long one ;D

So we all have weird love lifes. Sorta. Not really. Some people do. You know those people. The ones whose mascara is always all down their face instead of on their eyelashes, they probably have put on weight from all the Ben and Jerry’s, and a majority of their paycheck goes to Reliable Tissue Brand Four Ply. They always freak out if the boyfriend of the week does not call them/text them, etc. etc.

Yeah.

That girl.

WELL WHAT ABOUT THE MALE VERSION?

That would be Henry VIII. Except he didn’t really cry. Or eat ice cream. Or wear mascara. Or text. He just killed the female counterpart.

Yeah. You might know that guy. I’m not going in to detail on the average “That Guy” because I don’t know a “That Guy” and I do not desire to do any field work upon the subject.
But King Henry VIII did not just kick his ex-es to the curb. He kicked them to the Tower of London, or the guillotine. Or the poison.

So let’s start with wife number one:

You see, Henry never even PLANNED on being the king. But then his brother died. FORESHADOWING~!

So Henry had to get married. At the age of 11. To a 15 year old girl. But that’s not as weird and awkward as it seems, because they were childhood friends.

No, actually, that just makes it more awkward.

But! Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand. She had long golden hair, a Spanish accent, and a lot of patience. Which she needed, considering the fact that she was married to an 11 year old boy.

So they waited a bit to get married, and they finally got married they were well loved by the people of England and they were so for a little over 20 years. They had plenty of children, but only one survived.

And that was a girl.

Who shall not be named because I don’t want to bring doom upon you all.

So Henry was all sad panda over here because he only had one child, and said child was a GIRL. So Henry believed this was because Catherine was his brother’s wife. Until, you know, he died. And he thought the problem with this was because of a certain passage in Leviticus which says “NO BROTHER’S WIFENESS.” So Henry texted his wife and was like “TEXT MESSAGE BREAK UP~!” And a cardinal came and made it all legit.

And poor, poor Catherine. She was crushed. She LOVED Henry. She didn’t think the passage in Leviticus applied to their marriage, she didn’t think God was mad at them, and she didn’t want to annul the marriage.

So the poor cardinal was so confused. Catherine wanted to stay with Henry, Henry wanted to have a son, and Catherina couldn’t give him a son. According to Henry, at least, but hey.

So you know how Mr. P-to-da-ope and HRE didn’t get along very well? Sometimes they did though, right? This is not one of those times. HRE and P-to-da-ope are fighting. You see, Catherine was the aunt of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Henry wanted the Cardinal to talk to Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he could not and would not hurt Catherine with an annulment.

So it’s really confusing. It’s like a daytime soap opera! And when Henry learned he was refused an annulment, he was mad.

He was realllly really mad.

So he fired the Cardinal! And then he had a little court. In this court, he was given a “secret” annulment. Mr. P-to-da-ope was not too happy about that. So Henry hired a new Cardinal who was expected to back Henry up for a legit annulment.

But the Cardinal didn’t want to do that!

And Henry was furious again!

So everyone’s mad, sad, fired, or dead. Herny is in a difficult position. He needs an annulment, but nobody else really wants one. So he does the only logical thing.

Tries to have a son again! Resorts to blackmail!
So he talked a group of bishops into passing a bill which said that he was the head of the Church of England.

WHAT THE HECK.

JUST WHAT DID HE USE TO TALK THEM INTO THAT?

So that way, he didn’t need anybody’s approval to annul his marriage. He killed the Cardinal, and annulled his marriage. Er, he got an Archbishop to annul it officially, but he pretty much did it himself.

There goes wife number one. She was tucked away to live her life as the ex-Queen, and was NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN HAHAHAHA~!

WIFE NUMBER TWO!

Her name was Anne Boleyn. He was married to her /before/ the official annulment. Oh, by the way, she was FIFTEEN.

Ok, so, that’s not that bad, right? I mean, Catherine was 15 when she was engaged, so that’s not too bad.

But she waited to get married. Let’s say they waited... four years? That would mean Henry was married at 15. They were married for twenty years.

THAT MEANS HE WAS THIRTY FIVE.

Eeeugh.

For years, Anne refused to be Herny’s girlfrand. She was lyk “Nonono you’re married that’s not good for me to be garlfran while you’re married.”

It’s pretty much assumed that she was the reason Henry didn’t, you know, try to have another kid with Catherine.

Henry was also in kinda-creepy-stalker-with-a-crush-mode. He wrote her all sorts of love letters and all that explaining his infatuation with her. But she still refused. Of course, this just made Henry want her mooore. If that’s possible. Eventually, she cracked under pressure and moved in with him. She, of course, got preggers.

I GOT PREGNAAAAANT~!

No.
But~~~. After a month of pregnancy, they got married. Secretly. So 8 months later, SHE HAD BABBY.

Which was, of course, a girl. Named Elizabeth.

So Henry wanted three things from Parliament. And they gave him three things.

Number one: The king of England, NOT the Pope, was the supreme head of the Church of England.

Number Duo: Mary, Henry’s daughter, would NOT inherit the throne.

Numbah Three: ALL of the kings subjects had to sign an oath that said Elizabeth and any children Anne had could inherit the throne.

Annnd then he fell out of love with her. He began to hate her, actually. And she wasn’t as patient as Catherina was, and she was really really jealous, because Henry liked to notice other women.Which he did a lot.

And the people of England didn’t like her. At allll. They accused her of wichcraft. Poor girl couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling at her.

And three years into their marriage, Herny charged her with adultery and plotting to kill him. She was locked away into the tower of London, given the death penalty, and was killed. Her “boyfriends” were killed first, which also was a big blow against Anne, because everyone was innocent. Except for Herny, of course.

So a week after she was beheaded, Herny was married again.

On to number three~!

Because Anne was an adulteress and was dead, Henry could marry without guilt! And the lucky Jane Seamour was the girl. She was a maid in the king’s court, which is slightly horrific because you can guess how long he had his eye on her.

But 17 months after their wedding, Jane gave birth to a....









SON~!

Yew guiz thought i waz trollin werent yewww ;D

The newborn prince’s name was Edward. However, twelve days after Ed was born, Jane died.

This made Henry sad. Yes, Henry had a heart. Like, a legit one. He said that Jane was the best queen they ever had. Aww~ :3

Well remember that Archbishop that gave Henry his annulment? Well he and a secretary named Thomas Cromwell were getting involved in the reformation! And you know how that kind of stuff goes. They wanted Henry to break even further from the Catholic church than he already had. Buuut Herny wasn’t really Protestant, and he didn’t agree with anything Martin Luther said. Except for the “less Popey Power” buzznuzz.

The Archbishop and the Secretary still went on with their reformation, dissolving monasteries and fixing stuff up. Henry was fine with it because he got the land from them. It was a win-win.

Anddd Wife number four~!!!!

Anne of Cleves was the “lucky” girl. Why her?

Well Thomas Cromwell, the secretary, really wanted England to break away from Rome. Like Germany. And he thought Henry should marry a German princess! Of course!

And that was a really good idea! Sorta.

Kinda.

Not really.

They THOUGHT it was a good idea.

Well, Henry believed that Anne was going to be a lovely, impressive, delicate young woman.

Anne was a ugly, unrefined woman. She was older than Henry liked, and could hardly speak English. She was more rugged and well built than Henry. And she was kinda looked like a horse.

http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-12027-Horse-Head-Mask/dp/B003G4IM4S

You know you want this so you can look like a German/English princess. You know it.

ANYWAY.

She was very nice in personality and everything, but he didn’t love Anne like a wife. Or at wall. I mean, yeeeah, they ate supper together. And they drank beer. Of course they drank beer, she’s German. But anyways. Six months later, they had their marriage annulled. And neither of them really cared.

She continued to live in England on a decent budget.

And Thomas, who had this genius idea? He was beheaded. He was pretty much given no mercy. The man who painted the beautiful picture of the not-so-beautiful woman was forgiven.

On to number five~!

Catherine Howard. On the same day as Cromwell’s execution, Herny was married. Again.

And she was a teenager. Of course.

Same old same old, the marriage went kaploink in about two years. Annulment. But this time, it was against HENRY’S wishes.

Because she was a teenager, she was pretty airheaded. And she was unfaithful. But she gave him a lot of attention, which he was cool with. Archbishop didn’t really like Catherine, because she was Roman Catholic. So he stirred up a story about her old boyfrand, which actually led way to a real secret of hers.

She was dating some people in the court~!

She confessed to be guilty of adultery, and she was beheaded along with some maids who helped her cover the secret and her boyfran.

Henry had a taste of his own medicine. Because right before all this buzznuzz, he held a BIG PARTY and bragged about her being awesome and wonderful and awesome and beautiful and rosey and not thonry and awesome and cool and boxxy she was. And he felt stuuupiiid. She dropped him, and he sat stupified.

So we got wife number sixx~!

Her name was ALSO Catherine. I think if I was named Catherine or Anne, I would move out of the country.

But this woman was 31. She was widowed twice, and Henry and Catherine were married about a year and a half after Catherine the second was dropped.

And Catherine was a good little wife. This was amazingly stable considering what had happened, and this marriage stayed. She raised his children, but she was Protestant. She tried to explain her views to Henry, but he didn’t like that so he put her in time out. She learned to keep her mouth shut. Henry got sick though and he died four years after Catherine and he married. He was only 55 years old. He’s buried at Windsor Castle, right next to Jane. Catherine married a few years later, but died soon after.

So what did Henry actually, you know, /do/? He Knew three languages, loved the classics, was interested in music, art, and dancing. He hunted, entertained, and built ships. However, he didn’t actually do anything. Except for marry people who were kicked to the curb under soon afterwards. He didn’t reform anything. He put bibles in churches, yeah, but not for reformation. IT was for rebellion against Rome. Not because, “Hey,this isn’t right. We need Bibles in the church!” Because. “Hey! I’m Henry! I can do whatever I want~!”

So when Henry died, Edward came in. But he died. Then (name removed for the safety of all) took over, and then Elizabeth. And they alllll wereee differenttt. Edward was Protestant, the (first queen) was Roman Catholic, and Elizabeth brought back the Church of England.

But that’s a different story.

Which will be here soon~ Hang tight!