Actually, It's Really Creepy.

So y’all mumember Sir Thomas More? With Henry? Of course you do!

Well he was born in London. And he went to school and was a good little boy and alla that jayazz. This ARchbishop said he’d grow up to be an awsum opossum and he did. He went to Oxford and of course went and lookedd at Greek and Latin and blahbluhblahbluhbluhhh. He wrote some books and some funnies and read some Eramus and you know how that goes.

And so Tom met Eramus teamed up because they both liked thuh funnies. They both had a sense of humor.

EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE FRANDS, EVERY FRANDS HAVE FRANDFIGHTS.

You see, Tom was a bit more serious when it came to faith and religion and all that buzznuzz. He looked into the monky shtuff, but then he thought “but I like women and he wanted to get married so he did which means he couldn’t be a monk and run-on sentence. So he because a judge for Henry!

But before he did that, he wrote a book. It was called Utopia. Which was a funny play on words because in Greek it means something along the lines of “No Place”. So I’m gonna hope you guys know what a utopia is. It’s al perfect and beautiful and all that.

And there was a point to this book about utopia. He made some suggestions in the book about how such a place should be ruled and shtuff, and about how it’s all herpderpy and stuff.

He wrote the book about himself and a sailor and a friend, so it’s kinda hard to tell what’s made up and what isn’t. You see, the sailor was talking to them about an island he found called Utopia. Which is all perfect and stuff. Sorta.

Everyone is the same. Exactly the same. They all grow gardens. They all do the same thing. They all do them at the same time. They all work. They all Read. They all see each other at the same time. They all. Are. The. Same.

Which is only slightly creepy.

So after he wrote this, he had some serious things to keep him busy and went all SUPERPOLITICS MAN mode.

So Tom got knighted! Because the king looked at him and said, “You look more like a Sir than a Thomas to me. Your name is now Sir and Thomas is your middle name. Cool beans yeah? WELL IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE I’M THE KING TROLOLOLO.”

So you see, when Henry insisted that his peeps signed something that said he could get annuled marriage, Sir didn’t want to do it.

And when he asked to say why he didn’t want to sign the paper, he zipped his mouth shut, then locked it with a key, then dug a hole, then buried the key, then built a house on top of the hole where he buried the key, then moved into the house on top of the hole. Obviously. That way he could not be accused of treason because he didn’t actually say anything.

Sir stood his ground. He wasn’t going to sign that paper. But the people found a guy who lied against Sir in court. He said he heard Sir say something treasonous (which is a word, thank you very much.) then he was put to death.

Sir walked on to his execution without a fight, and forgave the guy who lied about him. Which probably means the guy was feeling really really bad about it because he was forgiven. Because right after that Sir was killed.

Yeeeah.

But Sir Thomas More was declared a saint, and still is to this day.

Grab Yourself Some Popcorn.

Cause it’s gonna be a long one ;D

So we all have weird love lifes. Sorta. Not really. Some people do. You know those people. The ones whose mascara is always all down their face instead of on their eyelashes, they probably have put on weight from all the Ben and Jerry’s, and a majority of their paycheck goes to Reliable Tissue Brand Four Ply. They always freak out if the boyfriend of the week does not call them/text them, etc. etc.

Yeah.

That girl.

WELL WHAT ABOUT THE MALE VERSION?

That would be Henry VIII. Except he didn’t really cry. Or eat ice cream. Or wear mascara. Or text. He just killed the female counterpart.

Yeah. You might know that guy. I’m not going in to detail on the average “That Guy” because I don’t know a “That Guy” and I do not desire to do any field work upon the subject.
But King Henry VIII did not just kick his ex-es to the curb. He kicked them to the Tower of London, or the guillotine. Or the poison.

So let’s start with wife number one:

You see, Henry never even PLANNED on being the king. But then his brother died. FORESHADOWING~!

So Henry had to get married. At the age of 11. To a 15 year old girl. But that’s not as weird and awkward as it seems, because they were childhood friends.

No, actually, that just makes it more awkward.

But! Catherine of Aragon, the daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand. She had long golden hair, a Spanish accent, and a lot of patience. Which she needed, considering the fact that she was married to an 11 year old boy.

So they waited a bit to get married, and they finally got married they were well loved by the people of England and they were so for a little over 20 years. They had plenty of children, but only one survived.

And that was a girl.

Who shall not be named because I don’t want to bring doom upon you all.

So Henry was all sad panda over here because he only had one child, and said child was a GIRL. So Henry believed this was because Catherine was his brother’s wife. Until, you know, he died. And he thought the problem with this was because of a certain passage in Leviticus which says “NO BROTHER’S WIFENESS.” So Henry texted his wife and was like “TEXT MESSAGE BREAK UP~!” And a cardinal came and made it all legit.

And poor, poor Catherine. She was crushed. She LOVED Henry. She didn’t think the passage in Leviticus applied to their marriage, she didn’t think God was mad at them, and she didn’t want to annul the marriage.

So the poor cardinal was so confused. Catherine wanted to stay with Henry, Henry wanted to have a son, and Catherina couldn’t give him a son. According to Henry, at least, but hey.

So you know how Mr. P-to-da-ope and HRE didn’t get along very well? Sometimes they did though, right? This is not one of those times. HRE and P-to-da-ope are fighting. You see, Catherine was the aunt of the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and Henry wanted the Cardinal to talk to Mr. P-to-da-ope. But he could not and would not hurt Catherine with an annulment.

So it’s really confusing. It’s like a daytime soap opera! And when Henry learned he was refused an annulment, he was mad.

He was realllly really mad.

So he fired the Cardinal! And then he had a little court. In this court, he was given a “secret” annulment. Mr. P-to-da-ope was not too happy about that. So Henry hired a new Cardinal who was expected to back Henry up for a legit annulment.

But the Cardinal didn’t want to do that!

And Henry was furious again!

So everyone’s mad, sad, fired, or dead. Herny is in a difficult position. He needs an annulment, but nobody else really wants one. So he does the only logical thing.

Tries to have a son again! Resorts to blackmail!
So he talked a group of bishops into passing a bill which said that he was the head of the Church of England.

WHAT THE HECK.

JUST WHAT DID HE USE TO TALK THEM INTO THAT?

So that way, he didn’t need anybody’s approval to annul his marriage. He killed the Cardinal, and annulled his marriage. Er, he got an Archbishop to annul it officially, but he pretty much did it himself.

There goes wife number one. She was tucked away to live her life as the ex-Queen, and was NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN HAHAHAHA~!

WIFE NUMBER TWO!

Her name was Anne Boleyn. He was married to her /before/ the official annulment. Oh, by the way, she was FIFTEEN.

Ok, so, that’s not that bad, right? I mean, Catherine was 15 when she was engaged, so that’s not too bad.

But she waited to get married. Let’s say they waited... four years? That would mean Henry was married at 15. They were married for twenty years.

THAT MEANS HE WAS THIRTY FIVE.

Eeeugh.

For years, Anne refused to be Herny’s girlfrand. She was lyk “Nonono you’re married that’s not good for me to be garlfran while you’re married.”

It’s pretty much assumed that she was the reason Henry didn’t, you know, try to have another kid with Catherine.

Henry was also in kinda-creepy-stalker-with-a-crush-mode. He wrote her all sorts of love letters and all that explaining his infatuation with her. But she still refused. Of course, this just made Henry want her mooore. If that’s possible. Eventually, she cracked under pressure and moved in with him. She, of course, got preggers.

I GOT PREGNAAAAANT~!

No.
But~~~. After a month of pregnancy, they got married. Secretly. So 8 months later, SHE HAD BABBY.

Which was, of course, a girl. Named Elizabeth.

So Henry wanted three things from Parliament. And they gave him three things.

Number one: The king of England, NOT the Pope, was the supreme head of the Church of England.

Number Duo: Mary, Henry’s daughter, would NOT inherit the throne.

Numbah Three: ALL of the kings subjects had to sign an oath that said Elizabeth and any children Anne had could inherit the throne.

Annnd then he fell out of love with her. He began to hate her, actually. And she wasn’t as patient as Catherina was, and she was really really jealous, because Henry liked to notice other women.Which he did a lot.

And the people of England didn’t like her. At allll. They accused her of wichcraft. Poor girl couldn’t walk down the street without people yelling at her.

And three years into their marriage, Herny charged her with adultery and plotting to kill him. She was locked away into the tower of London, given the death penalty, and was killed. Her “boyfriends” were killed first, which also was a big blow against Anne, because everyone was innocent. Except for Herny, of course.

So a week after she was beheaded, Herny was married again.

On to number three~!

Because Anne was an adulteress and was dead, Henry could marry without guilt! And the lucky Jane Seamour was the girl. She was a maid in the king’s court, which is slightly horrific because you can guess how long he had his eye on her.

But 17 months after their wedding, Jane gave birth to a....









SON~!

Yew guiz thought i waz trollin werent yewww ;D

The newborn prince’s name was Edward. However, twelve days after Ed was born, Jane died.

This made Henry sad. Yes, Henry had a heart. Like, a legit one. He said that Jane was the best queen they ever had. Aww~ :3

Well remember that Archbishop that gave Henry his annulment? Well he and a secretary named Thomas Cromwell were getting involved in the reformation! And you know how that kind of stuff goes. They wanted Henry to break even further from the Catholic church than he already had. Buuut Herny wasn’t really Protestant, and he didn’t agree with anything Martin Luther said. Except for the “less Popey Power” buzznuzz.

The Archbishop and the Secretary still went on with their reformation, dissolving monasteries and fixing stuff up. Henry was fine with it because he got the land from them. It was a win-win.

Anddd Wife number four~!!!!

Anne of Cleves was the “lucky” girl. Why her?

Well Thomas Cromwell, the secretary, really wanted England to break away from Rome. Like Germany. And he thought Henry should marry a German princess! Of course!

And that was a really good idea! Sorta.

Kinda.

Not really.

They THOUGHT it was a good idea.

Well, Henry believed that Anne was going to be a lovely, impressive, delicate young woman.

Anne was a ugly, unrefined woman. She was older than Henry liked, and could hardly speak English. She was more rugged and well built than Henry. And she was kinda looked like a horse.

http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-12027-Horse-Head-Mask/dp/B003G4IM4S

You know you want this so you can look like a German/English princess. You know it.

ANYWAY.

She was very nice in personality and everything, but he didn’t love Anne like a wife. Or at wall. I mean, yeeeah, they ate supper together. And they drank beer. Of course they drank beer, she’s German. But anyways. Six months later, they had their marriage annulled. And neither of them really cared.

She continued to live in England on a decent budget.

And Thomas, who had this genius idea? He was beheaded. He was pretty much given no mercy. The man who painted the beautiful picture of the not-so-beautiful woman was forgiven.

On to number five~!

Catherine Howard. On the same day as Cromwell’s execution, Herny was married. Again.

And she was a teenager. Of course.

Same old same old, the marriage went kaploink in about two years. Annulment. But this time, it was against HENRY’S wishes.

Because she was a teenager, she was pretty airheaded. And she was unfaithful. But she gave him a lot of attention, which he was cool with. Archbishop didn’t really like Catherine, because she was Roman Catholic. So he stirred up a story about her old boyfrand, which actually led way to a real secret of hers.

She was dating some people in the court~!

She confessed to be guilty of adultery, and she was beheaded along with some maids who helped her cover the secret and her boyfran.

Henry had a taste of his own medicine. Because right before all this buzznuzz, he held a BIG PARTY and bragged about her being awesome and wonderful and awesome and beautiful and rosey and not thonry and awesome and cool and boxxy she was. And he felt stuuupiiid. She dropped him, and he sat stupified.

So we got wife number sixx~!

Her name was ALSO Catherine. I think if I was named Catherine or Anne, I would move out of the country.

But this woman was 31. She was widowed twice, and Henry and Catherine were married about a year and a half after Catherine the second was dropped.

And Catherine was a good little wife. This was amazingly stable considering what had happened, and this marriage stayed. She raised his children, but she was Protestant. She tried to explain her views to Henry, but he didn’t like that so he put her in time out. She learned to keep her mouth shut. Henry got sick though and he died four years after Catherine and he married. He was only 55 years old. He’s buried at Windsor Castle, right next to Jane. Catherine married a few years later, but died soon after.

So what did Henry actually, you know, /do/? He Knew three languages, loved the classics, was interested in music, art, and dancing. He hunted, entertained, and built ships. However, he didn’t actually do anything. Except for marry people who were kicked to the curb under soon afterwards. He didn’t reform anything. He put bibles in churches, yeah, but not for reformation. IT was for rebellion against Rome. Not because, “Hey,this isn’t right. We need Bibles in the church!” Because. “Hey! I’m Henry! I can do whatever I want~!”

So when Henry died, Edward came in. But he died. Then (name removed for the safety of all) took over, and then Elizabeth. And they alllll wereee differenttt. Edward was Protestant, the (first queen) was Roman Catholic, and Elizabeth brought back the Church of England.

But that’s a different story.

Which will be here soon~ Hang tight!

Akbar the Akbar

So let’s pause the Protestant Reformation and the Anabaptist buzznuzz and go over to Islam. ALL THE RELIGIONS.
We’re gonna hop over to India. North India, to be exact. Guess who had India under control.
Not the Turks! The Mughals are gonna get their 15 minutes of fame.
The North Indians were getting pushed around. They were done with their golden age loveliness, and they were getting bullied by the Huns, Persians, and the Mongols. Everybody loved India and they were all up in it’s buzzness. Even if India didn’t really want them, their belief systems, or all their junk, even though they were intent bringing it.
So the Hindus were getting all mixed with Islam. And the very very few Christians just kinda sat back and bit their tongues. Which means while HRE was whining and pouting about baptism and communion and Team Edward or Team Jacob, while India was derpin around with Hindu and Islam.
So this guy Babur. Which means Beaver or Tiger, depending on who you ask. No lie. 4srs.
ANYWAYS! His parents were interesting. His mother was a beaver and his father was a bear. His beavery mother was also a direct descendant of Genghis Khan, and his father was related to Tamerlane. Tamerlane was pretty much a brutal chief who killed a lot of people.
WHAT A LOVELY COUPLE.
Babur inherited a little Turkistanish kingdom. He was very religious, and was Islamic. He pretty much went back and forth between winning kingdoms and loosing kingdoms. Herpderp.
And then he pretty much lost his entire country.
Derpderpderp.
Andddd then he wanted India.
So with only 12,000 men he went in to India. So this is gonna fail, riiight? Well the first battle was a success, because Babur was good at killing creepers and he had a LOT of gunpowder because of this. Which means he had GUNS. Which Notch needs to make.
BUT.
So the other guys had Elephants. Elephants are big. And strong. And grey. Which means they don’t get hurt by guns very well. But Elephants are actually just ol’ scaryphants, so they ran away towards the army for which they were... Elephanting. Which means the ol’ scaryphants trampled everyone to get away from the big scary guns.
And Babur was pretty cocky by now, so he marched right in to the main city. Now normally when someone does this, they and all their men die.
LOLNOPE.
India was having an epic fail moment and Babur set up the official Mughal Empire.
He pretty much jacked the name from the Mongols from where he came. But whatevhurr.
The Indias HATED this guy. But Babur wanted to be loved. HE WAS JUST MISUNDERSTOOD D:
He was actually a pretty nice guy. He wrote stories and kept a diary and gardened.
So he was a sissy boy, more or less.
And a few more years later, he died of disease. Derpderpderp.
That means his son gets to take over! Yay!

NOPE.
His son lost EVERYTHING. He lost the whole India. He ran back to his little Turkish kingdom, where he raised his son.
WHO WAS NAMED AKBAR.
Like Admiral Ackbar, but different.
Akbar actually means the Great, though, so hey.
“WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
“THE GREAT. MY NAME IS THE GREAT.”
It’s like The Boss. But The Great.
So he pretty much just went back to India and did some battles and fought some war and got the India. Which was good, because he let them pretty much hang with the Hinduness and they liked him because of that. He married a Hindu princess, and all that. He held debates between different religions and was pretty open minded.
Buuut he was a bit too open minded. He never really settled on a faith, and he tried to mix ‘em all up and sell it as a high power energy drink, but it never caught on. Wonder why.
He didn’t force young children into marriage, took away the law that stated WIDOWS HAD TO COMMIT SUICIDE, he increased trade, and provided some better conditions. So he was Akbar the Akbar.
Oh, by the way, you guys know the Taj Mahal? Yeah. It was built by Akbar’s grandson. It’s a tomb in which he and his wife lay, and it was, oddly, facing AWAY from Mecca unlike most tombs and everything.
You see, when Shah (who was the grandson of Akbar) lost his favourite wife, he began a project to build her a tomb. A project which took 22 years. Why?
Because he imported marble, thousands of gems, and he also had to carve the marble. And it’s...

PERFECTLY.
SYMMETRICAL.
SYMMETRY IS WHAT MAKES THE WORLD BEAUTIFUL SYMMETRY IS KEY EVERYTHING MUST BE PERFECT I NEED SYMMETRYYY. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL EVEN THE SKY IS SYMMETRICAL.

...

*cough*

So a lot of people think it’s a beautiful SYMMETRICAL~ piece of Indian architecture. I guess that’s right, but it looks like a mosque. It has Koran stuff inside. It’s art is all Muslim. It looks like a mosque, it smells like a mosque, it feels like a mosque, BUT IT’S NOT.
IT’S A TOMB.

A BEAUTIFULLY SYMMETRICAL TOMB.

However, the Taj Mahal is also a picture of the decline of the Mughal dynasty, because it was the last great thingy thing building monument thing that was built under their dynasty. After it was built, the dynasty began to crumble. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY SPENT ALL THEIR MONEY ON JEWELS AND IMPORTED MARBLE.
I dunno.
BUT IT WAS STILL...
PERFECTLY. SYMMETRICAL~!

LIKE SOMETHING THAT SPREADS.

So we know the Protestant Reformation was not a very fun time. People did not only find bad shtuff with the Church, but they also didn’t like each other. By now it had spread through Germany and into Switzerland.
And Switzerland was kinda chaotic.
They were fighting for their independence, but soon they were “free”. They had city-state-thingy-ma-bobs kinda like Greece did. And the city-state-thingy-ma-bob-Cantons (that’s what they were called) were not very united.
SO THERE WAS THIS GUY.
His name was Ulrich Zwingli. We’ll name him Z, because that’s cool. And when he was 14, he was in college. He was into Greek and Hebrew and Latin, just like everybody else. He did it mostly to read the Bible, but you know. He was growing into the usual reformation guy. Doesn’t like the Church, wants to change it.
However, he was a priest for the Church. And he was about to get a promotion. So he took the job there, but instead of leading Mass like he usually did, he tought straight from the scripture.
AND OGURL.
Starting with the book of Matthew, he started to go over EVERY SINGLE WORD. Seriously. He went over the words. And explained them. And everyone was impressed. It took him 6 years to go through the entire New Testament, verse by verse. Except for Revelation. I dunno.
AND SUDDENLY PLAGUE~!
A lot of people moved out of the country for hopefully obvious reasons. But not Z. He stayed. He both battled the plague with himself, and he tended to other people. Which means he was a plague doctor. Plague Doctors are awesome. Plague Doctors are my favorite medieval Renaissance thing in the whole Renaissance. Plague Doctors are win.
BUT THIS MADE Z STRONGER IN HIS RELIGION.
So he decided a bunch of things with the church weren’t very good. He translated the Bible (OH NOBODY’S DONE THAT BEFORE) into the common language, and he started some smallgroup study~!
People started leaving monasteries. People started having sermons instead of Mass. People started getting married. OH MY GOSH IT’S INSANEE.
So Switzerland pretty much went through the same thing as Germany. Except easier. Because Z didn’t have to mess around with Mr. P-to-da-ope and all that. Because the Swiss could deal with their own Chruchy buzznuzz.
But, of course, he was STILL accused of heresy. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE DID YYEWW.
But Mr. P-to-da-ope just asked Z to stop preaching. Which did not happen, because Z sent them a 67 point thesis thing. And everyone agreed with them.

Which is good!
...
Right?
...
Well, kinda. No. Sorta. They ENFORCED STRONGLY everything Z said. And Z became, unofficially, a political and spiritual leader. He ruled his little city state kinda like Rola and Florence. And that’s pretty good.
...
Right?
...
Well, kiiinda. His spiritual laws were HEAVILY ENFORCED by the government, as usual. Which was not good at all. This led to years and years of bloodshed and all that wonderful shtuff. Yayy~!
The first problem Z came to was with the Anabaptists. Pretty much because they though different. And they believed the Bible taught full separation of Church and State. Which means they did NOT like Z.
They also thought Baptism should only be given to those old enough to understand scripture. Which I can only guess is something Z liked.
And here is where Z slips up. He decided it’d be a good idea to try to stop the Anabaptists from spreading their sect of Christianity. How? With his political power!
Yeah.
Under Z’s power, people were arrested, tortured, executed, etc. Lovely.
AND HERE THINGS GET INTERESTING.
Z had another messy encounter. WITH MARTIN LUTHER.
You see, they disagreed on the subject of communion.
Luther believed like the Catholics. Z thought that the wine and bread was only a representation of Christ’s body and blood.
And so this trolland guy came in and was liek HAI GUIZ I’LL FIX THIS~~~!!!!1! And so he kidnapped Martin and Z and locked them in a room together until they agreed with each other.
....
Well, not really.
(Pretty much because they never agreed with each other.)
Luther called Z a heretic and went come crying to his mother.
Herpderp.
So Z and Martin had a facebook war via pamphlets to hand out to their followers because they refused to speak with each other, and the two sects of religion cannot agree with each other. Still.
E-E-E-EPICFAIL.
And Z’s final mistake would BE. HIS. LAST.
You know how Switzerland had city-state-things? Well 5 of them were still Roman Catholic.
And the mess was kicked off when one of Z’s preachers was burned in one of the Catholic Cantons.
AND OGURL.
So there was pretty much a big giant civil war. Z was fatally wounded because they TORE HIS LIMBS OFF AND PROCEEDED TO BURN HIM INTO ASHES.
Well I’d THINK he was fatally wounded.
But!
There’s now a statue in Zurich, Switzerland. See the picture~!

Yupyup. He and a sword and a Bible. You seee~?
So because Z was kind of immobilized due to the fact that his ashes were beaten into the ground, someone picked up where he left off. And his name was...
HEINRICH BULLINGER.
...
herpderp. He was a pastor and all that good stuff. He guided the Reformation right along, and apparently did not have any big problems. And if he did, that doesn’t really count because I do not know about them.
So the end~!

Can't Tell if Mary Sue or Just Name.

So this guy. Suleiman. His name is hard to spell. He is now named Sue, because his name is pronounced Sue-Lee-Man. Sueleeman. And he was a Sunni. No pun there.
And while the Renaissance and the reformation, Sue decided he’d take over the world. Or at least the Ottoman Empire. So you guys remember Istanbul was Constantinople? Yeah. It was the capital of the Ottoman Empire. And Sue was having a pretty nice time ruling the world, because his daddy left him a whole lotta everything. But like a good ruler, he was a greedy jerkface. That means he wanted more.
Now he had Greece. He had a little bit of Russia, and the Black Sea area, and the Bibley bits, and Turkey, and Egypt etc. etc. So like he had Oriental Avenue, St. James Place, Pennsylvania Avenue, and Boardwalk.
And suddenly Diet of Wyrms. All those people were all OHNOREFORMATIONS! So all of their cities were Sue’s for the takin’. So he took ‘em.
Sue was paying attention to the Mediterranean Sea. Whoever had the Ducky Sea (because it looks like a duck.) had control of the trade between Europe, Africa, and Asia. Sue decided he’d go after Rhodes, which was an island in the Ducky Sea. And Rhodes was the last Christian stronghold in the sea.
This doesn’t mean Sue wanted to kill all Christians. This means he wanted Rhodes because it was an amazing location. And the Knights living on the island were being pirates, and were just annoying.
So after Sue beat them in a long battle, he felt kinda bad. The Knights surrendered, and he allowed them to go with safety. He also showered the Grand Master with gifts and stuff. So he seems like a pretty good guy.
LOLNOPE.
Sue kept on pushing. Why? Because France was all “PLZATTACKSOUTHEUROPEPLZ.” And Francis, the King of France, was an enemy of Holy Roman Empire, because Spain was given the crown to Holy Roman Empire, and France sat back and pouted like a little boy. So he and HRE (it’s cumbersome to type Holy Roman Empire.) fought a lot.
Now Francis got in a bit of trouble with HRE. He called on Sue, and was like “PLZHELPMEPLZ.” and Sue was like “I’MONMYWAYPLZ.”
So he was on his way. He was planning on attacking Hungary anyways, so he just plowed on through her and went on. She probably could have not been thrown down, but everyone was fussin’ with each other and they weren’t very united.
And in comes Sue with a battle that lasted only an hour and a half. HE TOOK OVER NEARLY THE WHOLE COUNTRY IN AN HOUR AND A HALF. I COULD LEAVE MY HOUSE, WATCH A MOVIE, AND HUNGARY WOULD BE CAPTURED WHEN I GOT BACK.
So after this, Sue got a bit cocky. Because he took over Hungary in an hour and a half. And he decided to attack Vienna, the CAPITAL OF THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. So with 200,000 men, he marched on in. This freaked Europe out. Rumours started to spread that Sue was going to make everyone convert to Islam. Which wasn’t true. Why? Well, go look at Rhodes. He wasn’t all “OK KNIGHTS NOW BOW BEFORE THE MIGHTY SUE AND CONVERT MUHAHAHAHA MANIACAL LAUGH.” He didn’t really care. He was indifferent.
But they failed at taking Vienna. Twice. And then the third time, Sue went all out. He marched from Istanbul to Vienna in a parade, with a bunch of camels and horses and boys and stuff. So Prince Asue was in Vienna. But his parade was not welcome, because Vienna does not have streets and it just has rivers. Look.

But all the Europe rallied together and defeated Sue. He went home and cried himself to sleep that night.
Btu he got over it, because France still liked him. Well, of course France likes him, because France likes everyone. France loves everyone.
SUE LOOKED TO THE EAST.
And saw the Safavid Empire. He saw Persia. So he went in and jacked the Persia. Well, most of it, at least. He had Baghdad and a few pieces of other stuff. Persia and Sue kept on fighting, back and forth and back and forth. Hungary got involved again and asked Persia if they could politely beat Sue into the dust. Er, sand. I guess it’s sand over there. But you knowww~
But Sue could hold himself up from the west and the east, and it wasn’t really a problem. He moved on past Egypt, and he captured the city of Tunis. Two knees. This was a very nice move, because he now had the East side of the Ducky Sea. This was mostly due to a Pirate named Barbarossa, who was well known as a big fat bloodthirsty Greek bully. But whatever.
Sue and the Turks were a world powers through the Reformation. When he wasn’t expanding his kingdom, he was fancying it up.
Now Sue did some stuff which wasn’t very nice. He made a law that made it legal to KILL YOUR BROTHER IF YOU ARE NEXT IN LINE TO THE THRONE.
Now this happened anyways, but it was behind closed doors. The Ottoman Empire just made it legal.
So Sue wasn’t really a horrible evil I WILL KILL YOU ALL Muslim, but he had his faults. He wasn’t much different from his European counterparts, even though they saw him differently. The Enddd~!

(I don’t like ending on sweet notes like that. But hey. Whatever.)

THIS IS REALLY REALLY IMPORTANT YEW GUIZ.

So a town was called Whitenburg.
Hurpderpp.
AND IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
But people were going about their buzznuzz, But there was /extra/ excitement in the air.
BECAUSE IT WAS HALLOWEEN.
So the next day, November 1st, was All Saints Day. Which was about all saints.
O RLY.
So on this All Saints Day, there was going to be sumthin speeshull. A bunch of Holy Relics were going to be on display for the public to see. So as townspeople come up together, nobody really noticed ol’ Martin Luther go and stick a document up on the door of the church.
So what was on it?
95 THESIS POINTS.
Which means it had a buncha words.
And it has been remembered as the 95 Theses. I don’t know why it’s spelled different. But it is.
BUT WHAT WERE THESE WORDS ABOUT?
They were inviting the big fishies of the church to a debate. But it was written in Latin so the common peeps could not read it and it could only been read by the big fishies.
But this isn’t as weird as it is today. Doors were kinda like community bulletin boards.
I WANT MY DOOR TO BE A COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD 3:
So what was the debate about?
INDULGENCES.

So they all went and shared their cake recipies and-
No.
THESE INDULGENCES.

So these little pieces of paper. Muhmember them? OF COURSE YOU DO. If you don’t go google it or go find the post where I talk about them.
These had been given out for well over 300 years at the time of MARTIN LUTHER.
So Mr. P-to-da-ope Leo X was in the position. WE’LL CALL HIM X.
Because people with one letter names are cool.
Right now I can only come up with M, K, and L, but you know. Nobody knows who those people are. (except for maybe L and if you know who he is you get a big giant cookie.)
SO X WAS WORKING ON BUILDING ST. PETER’S CATHEDRAL AT ROME.
So yeah.
During this time, he kinda slaked off on his popey duties.
...
His Papal Business. (That’s better.)
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING SPECTACULAR?
You hire people!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HIRE PEOPLE?
You pay them!
SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PAY THEM?
You run out of money!
YAAYY-wait.
So X was pretty much out of money.
SO HE STARTED REALLY SELLING THOSE INDULGENCESSS!
YAAYY-wait.
So this guy named Johann Tetzel was hired. To offer indulgences, and future indulgences! Which means you can pay now and sin later! Awesome, right? No. Yeah. But Still, he offered those. Meaning, he went around and up to people saying, “I CAN HELP YEWW.” Like those annoying mall people. You don’t go up and look at their little carts, they’re like “MAH HURR SHTUFF YAH YU BUY HURR SHTUFF YOU PRETTY HURR LET ME DO HURR SHO JOO CHAN BYY HURR SHTUFF. IN THE SALT SEA FROM SNAKES AND SALT DEAD STUFF SEA SHTUUFFF BUY PLEEESHHHEEE?”
Except he waz lyke
“MAH INDULGUNCHHH. I CHAN HEELP JOO. INDULGUNCHHH SHAVEE JOO. YAH YU BYY INDULGUNCHHHH PLEEESHHEEE?”
Or like a timeshare place thing. But I’ve never done or been to or whatever a timeshare thingy, so whatever. BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT :|
Sort of.
So he had this big giant ceremony with this big elaborate speech. He put the little indulgence on a velvet pillow. He had a little jingle. He had a big speech and he tried to convince everyone to buy an indulgence.
And a LOT of people did.
So what’d he do with the money from his indulgences?
TWO THINGS.
Uno: He helped build up St. Peter’s Cathedral.
And numbah two: He payed the depts of another Bishop.
herpderp.
He pretty much abused the system. Really bad. He conned common peeps into getting indulgences because they had no clue what they were. He pretty much coned everyone into getting them, actually.
And yes, people do agree that tinsel boy over here was a con artist and a jerk.
So What does Martin have to do with this?
He was a part of the system that was being abused, and apart of the system that was abusing.
Now he was not the first to go “waitwut.” Plenty of people before him were flippin’ out about the Church selling eternal life on a velvet pillow. Literally.
But Martin was pretty much the first person to get around to doing anything about it.
So in 1517 (OH LOOK IT’S A DATE.) he wasn’t really trying to start a revolt/riot/Occupy Wall Street.
SO WHAT WAS HE EVEN DOING?
I’ll tell you after this big history we’re gonna go in!

So he was raised in a strict family. He was gonna be a lawyer, but THERE WAS A THUNDERSTORM. And there was a tornado and his house got picked up and he was whisked away to Oz and met some munchkins and got some red sparkly slippers and then something else happened and I forgot but he woke up and it was all a dream or WHATEVER it’s been forever since that movie. And he started praying to St. Ann and that if his life was spared he’d be a monk So his life was spared and he be a monk. Yayyy. He spent a long time in prayer, and in fasting, and in sitting in the emo corner.
SO HE WAS AN EMONK.
Quiet. Didn’t eat. Emo corner.
HE WAS TOTALLY AN EMONK.
So he was all sad panda.
AND HE RAN AWAY.
Wellnotreally.
But he went to Rome and pilgramaged.
BUT HE WAS STILL SAD PANDA EMONK.
Other monks suggested Martin READ THE BIBLE A LITTLE MORE CAREFULLY. So he did. He went into conversion mode.
So yay!
He gave lectures on theology, and he was a cool person.
So this is why he was all “Waitwutindulgences.”
SO HE DID SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GOSH INDULGENCES.
Debateherpderps.
And it shturred up a big ol’ pot’uh stank.
It opened a big ol’ can’uh whorms.
It... It...
IT WAS BAD.
C-C-C-CLIFF HANGHURR.

~Raphael~

You know those cool people that only have first names? Beyonce, Shakira, Eminem, Madonna, Sting, Zendaya, Fabio.
All of those?
Cool people.
Well, except for Eminem, but you know.
Or Fabio...
Or Zendaya...
SO ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS ANOTHER RENAISSANCIAN ARTIST. NEVER SAW THAT COMIN, DID YA?
Ok.
But.
His name was....
~Raphael.~
So, to our surprise, ~Raphael~ was not born in Florence!
Oooh.
A mysterious hipster artist with one name.
The name....
~Raphael.~
BUT.
He was born in Urbino.
He’s in Ur bino, artsin ur Rennai$$anz.
BUT.
Then his papa died. So he went to Florence.
YAYY.
So a lot of people confused his work with that of his master’s. He was that good.
SO HE WENT TO LEARN FROM THE MASTER OF THE MASTERS.
Michelangelo and Leonardo.
From Leo he learned gracefulness from Leonardo. And from Michelangelo, he learned.... Anatomy.
...
..
.
BUT.
He gained a nickname. ~The Divine Raphael.~
Unlike Mich and Leo, he finished his work in a decent amount of time.
In fact, he’s really famous.
You just don’t know it.
So he painted a big picture. A really big picture. Two little angelbabies are on the bottom of the really big picture. AND THE LITTLE ANGELBABIES ARE EVERYWHERE.
Cards. Pillows. Blankets. Mugs. The Internet. Shirts. ALL OVER.
These little angelbabies.

You’ve seen them before.
These little angelbabies.
BUT HE HAS MORE THAN LITTLE ANGELBABIES.
He has a picture of Mary.
And it was painted beautifully.
BUT THERE WAS A SCANDAL.
Apparently, ~Raphael~ had lots of girfrands.
Lots of girlfrands.
He claimed they were all his inspiration.
UNFORTUNALY, HIS LOVE OF WOMEN WOULD BE...
HIS DOWNFALL.
(bumbumbum)
But that’s for later.
Eventually, ~Raphael’s~ genius was recognized by Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius. The second.
And he was the Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface. The one that made Mich paint the Sistine Chapel.
Yeah.
That guy.
So he needed some of the best Artists and stuff for some project he was gettin’ on.
And ~Raphael~ was one of them.
He was hired to paint Mr. P-to-da-ope’s private chambers.
*giggle*
*gigglegiggle*
So he went to Rome to paint up that place. Which included his Library, the room where he signed shtuuuuf, and I guess also his bedroom.
So in his Library is where ~Raphael~ got really really famous.
On one wall, there was a shelf with books on Philosophy. On ther other was a shelf with Theology. So on wall Theology, ~Raphael~ painted a scene called “The Dispute of the Sacrament.” It was pretty much the Bible shoved into a picture. It also had a bunch of people like Rola, Jerome, Augustine, Aquinias, etc. etc. fighting and arguing while Jesus is up here with his jazz hands.

You see?
Jazz hands.
And there are move angelbabies up on the ceiling.
BUT.
It has the background and stuff that Leo had, and all the buzznuzz and weird stuff Mich had.
SO THE OTHER WALL PROVED TO BE HIS BEST.
The Philosophy wall.
The wall of Philosophy.
THE PHILOWALL.
THE WALLSOPHY.
THE PHILOWALLSOPHY.
And it was called “School of Athens”
SO Y?
Before ~Raphael~ moved to Rome from Florence, he went to a little church this one time called the Sistine Chapel. Now the ceiling was not finished, but thurr was some preachin goin onz anywayz. So the preacher preachin preached about Mr. P-to-da-ope Julius about him bringing some good learnin to Rome.
And although Julius was a Pope, he was a lot like Cosimo. An’ he likah tha Greeka an’ the Roma an’ alla tha shtuff.
So that’s why he put “School of Athens”. It has a bunch of cool peeps liek Plato, Aristotle, Some of Socrate’s students, Socrates, Pythagoras, Ptolemy, Euclid, Heraclitus (who was a grumpy old philosopher. Michelangelo was the model. Because he was a grumpy old artist.), and a tonz maor people.
So yuh.
~Raphael~ Pretty much got along with everyone.
Well, except for Michelangelo, but nobody liked him and he didn’t like anyone.
BUT.
~Raphael~ had a possy. A big possy.
A BIG POSSY.
LIKE, 50 POSSY.
So ~Raphael~ pretty much went everywhurr with the band of peeps he wuz wiff.
He even got along with Mr. P-to-da-ope-to-da-jerkface Julius.
He even painted him a picture~!
As in, the most realistic picture of a Mr. P-to-da-ope evarr.
HOWEVER, ~Raphael~ HAD...
SECRETS.
Once upon a time there was a Cardinal. Said cardinal preuttty much forced ~Raphael~ to get engaged with his niece. So ~Raphael~ agreed to it, but he kept putting off the marriage.
SO WHAI?
I dunno.
Maybe he was engaged to the baker’s daughter. Maybe he didn’t want to be tied down. Maybe he just didn’t want to get married.
BUT I DUNNO.
But the real mystery lies in one of ~Raphael’s~ picthurrz.
You see, he painted a.... special picture of the baker’s daughter.
So hundreds of years after this /special painting/ was painted, some x-rays were performed.
AND VAT DID ZEY FIND?
On the hand of whats-her-face, a big ruby ring was found.
BUMBUMBUMM.
Was this an engagement ring? A wedding ring? Or what?
Well it certuhnlee wasn’t a wedding ring.
WHY?
Because he died young.
IF I DIE YOUNG, BURY ME IN SATIN, LAY ME DOOOWN ON AAAH, BED OF ROOOSES~
oksorry. I’ve been like addicted to that song :x
BUT.
So he died at 37.
On his death bed, you know what he did?
He wrote his will, he repented of his sins, distributed all his wealth and shtuff, and died.
The end~ :D