CAWERHKJH SO UNORIGINAL WITH TITLES JUST LEAVE ME.

So this lady was lucky. Sorta. Because she ruled two countries sammiched between Spain and France. But they don’t exist anymore.

HIPSTER LADY.

You’ve probably never heard of Jeanna. Or her countries. But you might have if you’re a history major or something. But most people aren’t. Silly non-history majors.

THIS CHICK.

She King of France’s niece. And she lived in Paris, which was SO CATHOLIC. But she was SO PROTESTANT. But he wasn’t really as focused on the Catholic part as he was on keeping her away from Philip II of Spain, WHO WAS AN UNMARRIED LOOSER WHO WOULD SETTLE FOR ANYONE.

Seriously. Phil was turned down by Elizabeth, Mary of Scots, and probably anyone else who he stalked wanted to marry.

(except for Bloody Mary. But she was kinda in the same NOBODY WILL MARRY ME predicament so she doesn’t count.)

So her mummy shipped Jeanna off to Paris when she was about 9, and Francis was like MEDDLEMEDDLEMEDDLE and when she turned twelve he was like MARRY THIS GERMAN DUDE SINCE HE’S RIGHT HERE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TWELVE.

And so then Jeanne was like “no.” And Francis was like “YESSS.” and Jeanne was like “noooo” and then they got married anyway. By force. Like4srs she was DRAGGED DOWN TO THE ALTER. And right after she got married she ran away to her mumsie.

The marriage was annulled.

BUT.

Nowadays she was all up in the Protestantantismantprotantantantantantismantism. And she got best frands with John Calvin and she had some tutors (Not Tudor.) and awesomesauce.

And when she turned 20, she got married! And she didn’t have to be dragged or anything!

But the marriage still stunnnnk. Because the guy she married was a loserwagon and he was like “I LIEK THIS WOMAN. AND THIS RELIGION. AND THIS CHURCH. LOL NO I LIKE THIS ONE BETTER. HEY WAIT NO THIS ONE IS COOL. WAIT HANG ON THIS WOMAN IS PRETTY.” and herpderpderp.

And so Jeanne was like “GOD HELP ME.” but like seriously she prayed a lot to God. For help.

So after her daddy died she got to be Queen of Navarre, which was her little country! Which means loserwagon got the be king. But so she gave birth to like 5 kids, but only two of them, you know, lived. So she basically had two kids. And she got real original with the names, let me tell you.

CATHERINE AND HENRY.

But . So she had a pretty tough job between France and Spain, because they were both like “I WANT THIS COUNTRY.” but she was like “newww” but they kept wanting. Because her little country was a Protestant country. Spain and France didn’t like that AT ALL.

And in 1560, she was like “HAY EVERYBODY, GUESS WHAT? I’M PROTESTANT!” and everyone was like “WAAAT.” And so now France, Spain, and Rome were like “we gunnna kheeeel yewww.”

But anyways. Jeanne and her loserwagon hung out in Paris a lot, because they were just kinda getting ready for the throne to open up. And while they were in Paris, religion was like “LOL” and it decided to flip the monkey out. Because Catherine, Queen of France, was like “NO MOAR PROTESTANTZ~!!1!”

Loserwagon was like “ok” and he was Catholic because he didn’t want to die. And then he asked for a divorce. He made her LEAVE HER 9 YEAR OLD SON IN PARIS. And then he made her go home.

KJAHFDKASJBFKADF.

The heck dude.

Oh. Also. Baithuhwai. Jeanne had tuberculosis! She was already tiny and weak and shtuffs, but she still survived.

But her ex-loserwagon died first.

And then Jeanne ruled her little country AWESOMELY, even though she was sick. And tiny. And without a husband or son.

She finally decided to make her little countrycitything into an official Protestant state. She wasn’t one of those KILL ALL THE CATHOLICS people though. Which was good. There were no arrests, no trails, and no inquisition. Mass wasn’t allowed publically, but you wouldn’t get n srs trouble if you were all quiet about it.

THEN PHILIP THE SECOND CAME IN. Er, his son, at least.

And she said no. Because he was Catholic. And she wasn’t. And she didn’t want her little country to be Catholic.

So we’ve got Catherine de Medici, Mary Queen of Scots, Elizabeth, and Jeanne. AND PHILIP STILL CAN’T GET A DATE.

Herpderp.

So there was this scout guy from Mr. P-to-da-ope and he was like “wanna buy some girl scout cookies” and she was like “NO.” and he was like “BUT YOU’LL GET INQUISITIONED.” but she was still like “no.” and then he was like “YOU’LL GET EXCOMMUNICATED” and she was like “I DON’T CAREEE.” and then she slammed the door in his face.

Poor guy.

But so eventually she got frands with the Queen of Paris and she got her son back. When he was like 14. Meaning, it had been about 5 years.

THEN FRANCE’S CIVIL WAR.

Since they were like right next to France it was kinda hard to avoid. So she ran away over closer to Spain. With tuberculosis. And she was, like, fighting. Seriously.

But so eventually peace was made and there was a new king of France and this thing was signed which was good because everyone was happy and vagueness and run on sentence.

Jeanne went back home and Catherine was STALKING HER more or less, and she thought that a royal marriage would help with their peace.

BUT NOT FOR JEANNE.

For her son! Catherine was like “Hey, hey, hey, let’s arrange our kids marriages~!” and Jeanne was like “Ok~! I’LL PICK THE DRESS AND YOU PICK THE CAKE AND WE’LL HAVE A WONDERFUL LOVELY MARRIAGE AND BELHBLAHBLUH”

Which was kinda odd, because one was Catholic and one was Protestant.

Annnd two months before the wedding Jeanne died.

...

BWAHHH D:

But she was actually really young when she died, because she was like 44.

Which was kinda bittersweet, because if she lived much longer she would have seen ALL THE MASSACRE.

So yeah. Also, you’ll have to wait to see how that marriage turned out. But from that aforementioned massacre, you have three guesses about the outcome.

Yeah.

C-C-CLIFFHANGER.

just ignore me please kthnxbai.

So we’ve been all over Scotland and we’re all “HAI SCOTLAND WATS UP” and Scotland’s been like “reformation and queens and bleh whats wif you?”

So Mary! Queen of Scots!

Technically, she was 1 week old when she began her rule. Herpin ma derp like yeuh. So her Mom, who was French, was like “Oh yeah, yeah, my daughter is ruliiing ha ha ha yeahhh.” Because it was totally the baby who was making all of the political decisions. And when she was about 5 years old, she got shipped off to France! Which was terrifying. But after she got there it wasn’t really that bad.

But then the Queen of France. Catherine de Medici~! Yes, that de Medici. THE DE MEDICIS. FROM ITALY.

Anyway, so her son was kinda set up to marry Mary. But neither Catherine or Mary were hip on this idea. Catherine didn’t like Mary’s family, and Mary’s family wanted the French throne. And Francis, the guy who was going to be married to Mary, was kinda lame. And so Mary the marry marriage Mary Catherine Francis Mary marriagemarriagemarriage power Francis marriage power hate. Because it’s all really confusing.

BUT BASICALLY EVERYONE HATED EACH OTHER.

Except for Mary and Francis. They loved each other. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT, RIGHT? THIS IS A MARRIAGE, NOT A ~MARRIAGE!~

But they got married anyway?

And it was all pretty and in a big church and it was all fancy and they loved each other and it was sweet. And everyone was happy for a little bit, because they were nice and it was both a political marriage, and they really did love each other.

THEN SOMEONE WENT AND DIED AND MADE EVERYONE SAD AGAIN.

But then Francis, Mary’s new husband, was king. Because his dad had died. Which means Mary was Queen of France.

And for some reason WAY BEYOND ME, some people also thought she was the Queen of England. And everyone was happy was because they were so sweet and they were the King and Queen of France and it was all happy.

EXCEPT FOR CATHERINE. Who enjoyed being a big dark storm cloud on a beautiful blue sunny sky :D

And Catherine was mad because her daughter in law was better than her in every single way.

THEN FRANCIS DIED. When he was 18. Two years into their marriage.

This means she was no longer Queen of France. Which is sweet, horrible, WONDERFUL IRONY if you ask me.

Because Catherine was like “I DUN WAN YEW TUH BEE QWEEEEEN.”

Annnd then Mary’s mom died in Scotland.

So she left France and hung out over there, where she was still Queen. So she hopped a boat and got outta there. But not without some weird sappy “GOODBYE, MY LOVE~” chickflick action while she was sailing away.

And then she got home. She was about SIX FEET TALL, and she had LONG SLENDER ARMS, with WHITE PALE SKIN, _{and she had dark hair and eyes but forget about that if you know who/what i’m referring to here brownie points for youuu~!} AND SHE ARRIVED WHEN IT WAS RAINING.

O_o

However, she liked to play golf and go outside and shtuff instead of talk about religion and politics. But she did ask if she could have Mass in her room and they were like “SURE WHY NOT”

So she traveled around Scotland and hung out wif her peeps and dey waz lyk “WATS HAPPININ MAH SISHTA” but then the Son of Philip II was like “MARRIAGEMARRIAGEMARRIAGE SOMETHING COOL IN SPANISH”

But then word got out about this arrangement, and John Knox was like “I’M GONNA SPEAK FOR MARY AND SAY NO.” Because nobody wanted a Catholic Spaniard for their King.

So John Knox met up with Mary and he was like “NO.” and Mary was like “but wai” And John was like “CUZ.” and Mary was all “u treason persunn”

Now he was never really convicted of treason, but Marry never married the marriage that Philip the Marriage son marriage person son. BUT SHE DIDN’T.

But then she...

SHE MARRIED HER COUSIN.

His name was Lord Henry Steward. Who we shall name Stewie. Even though he was known as Lord Darnley. But he was a really bad husband. Because he wasn’t a very good king and he liked other women better. Sooo she met this Italian musician who was her... “Private Secretary.”

Yeah.

They spent too much time together. And while they were EATING SUPPER TOGETHER (they really were only eating supper. I promise.) Lord Darnley and some goons came and killed him right in front of Mary.

BUT WAIT.

So Mary was freakin out for hopefully obvious reasons. She ran away for hopefully obvious reasons, and she gave birth to Darnley’s son. Herpderp.

His name was James. As in, King James Bible. He wrote it. Er, well, not wrote, but you know.

Then some suspicious series of events happened. Darnley got really sick and Mary visited him every night in the hospital. Anddd when she left to go to a wedding party, a LARGE STASH OF GUNPOWDER EXPLODED. However, you’d think they wouldn’t find any Darnley. But instead, they found him naked and strangled in the courtyard?

wat.

Since nothing was ever traced directly to Mary, she never really got in trouble. But a lot of fingers were pointed when she got married THREE MONTHS LATER.

Which was a mistake. Because she married this guy who was probs responsible for the explosion. And everrryone suspected her now and she had to give up the throne to her husband. Who was named James.

So basically she got fired.

And then her hubby got sent to prison and hung out with Mr. Rack’s cousin. He doesn’t have a name, because he’s only half a pole. Now what’s so bad about that? NO, NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT’S FOR. He had to stand next to it and he was chained to it. FOR TEN YEARS. Now, that’s not HORRIBLE, but it was only half his height. Which means he had to squat next to it. FOR TEN YEARS.

Also, Mary was in Prison too but she didn’t have the whole pole derps stuff. And she had tried to escape twice. Once in a disguise, but that didn’t work.

And then she tried to escape with some buddies, which actually did work. So she fled to England to find Elizabeth. BECAUSE WHO ELSE.

Actually it makes a lot of sense. Because Elizabeth was her cousin. But they had never really met. But it was kinda an awkward situation, because at first she was like “Y U COME TO ENGLAND.” but then right after she said that she was like “Come in~!” And that whole situation from a while back made it worse. And some thought that Mary should be queen instead of Elizabeth. And you had some people who were like “ANCESTORY” and some people were liek “CATHOLIC” and bleh blah bluh.

And with al these issues, stuff was weird. And a really failtastic trail was held to get to the bottom of Stewie’s death/murder. In England. Mary was not given a lawyer, and some letters were probably fake. So that whole plan of running away to England kinda backfired because she got in jail again.

herpin mah derp like yeuh.

Eventually, Elizabeth was all sad because she didn’t want to kill Mary but she had to so she did.

So basically the executioner did a really bad job and it took him THREE SWINGS TO KILL HER.

Uhh yeah.

So she died, and she died PAINFULLY. But not for very long, but still. Eww.

Eee uh. So yeah. The end?

Uhmmm SUPER WITTY SUBJECT TITLE I GUESS?

So you guiz know Mary Queen of Scots?

WELL YOU’RE NOT GONNA READ ABOUT HER.

You’re gonna read about her arch enemy, John Knox!

You have three guesses as to why. YES, IT WAS CATHOLIC VS. PROTESTANT SHTUFF. Mary was Catholic. John was not. And to mess things up even more, Mary’s mother was a French Catholic. Her cousin was the HEAD OF THE ENGLISH CHURCH. So Mary had some really weird roots.

But Knox can have weird roots too! He was raised catholic. But somewhere along the way he fell down a flight of stairs and sense was knocked into him.

Well not really but he did go to Catholic school but came out Protestant. However that works. And he was a really really strong one. He had a little preacher friend and he was basically his bodyguard. Because Scotland was Catholic at the time.

Like, srs. A few were captured and burned at the stake. One of these being John’s little preacherfran. Apparently, John did not do a very good job :|

This left a mark on John. Because after you watch someone you guard with your life burn to death, that is a little source of trauma in your every day life. So John and some other nobles took revenge!

ON THE ARCH BISHOP.

Which wasn’t good, but nobody really liked him anyway. So they just killed him and took over his castle. John wasn’t really into the whole revenge-murder stuff, but he did help take the castle.

And then he became a preacher!

And for a year, John and his friends had held the castle. And then Suddenly France was like “U MAD BRO?” and took it.

Now why the heck were the French in Scotland?

Because apparently, Scotland had been united with France a while back. And they bonded over their mutual hatred for England and it’s weird Religion mix thingy.

And as a Catholic nation, French troops came and jacked the castle again and imprisoned John and his buddies. They made them those people in the movies who rows the boats and were forced to attend Mass. FOR NINETEEN MONTHS.

John still hung out and was still Protestant. And then when he was freed. And he went to England and was a Chaplin to Edward. But then Edward died and and then Mary took over!

And Mary was a very strong Cathloc! Who burned Protestants! WHAT A WONDERFUL BOSS HE HAD.

So he got the monkeys out of England. And he went over to Geneva!

Which was a really smart place to go because it was all safe and nice and shtuff. He met John Calvin and they were best buddies and bleh bluh blah blah bluh bleh.

So it was really nice for Knox, but he got homesick so he was like “EVEN THOUGH IT’S DANGEROUS I’M JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE.” but then the big fish were like “lol no ur not” and he was like “HA HA HA YEAH I WAS KIDDING!” And he went back to Switzerland. But then he was like “HAI GUIZ I’M BAAACK~” And he stayed for good.

So let’s pause. We have a lot of Marys.

Mary G. was French. She married WEDDED James V of Scotland.

Their daughter was named Mary. James V died.

Mary was a baby. She could not rule for hopefully obvious reasons. Mary G. ruled Scotland. Mary, who was half Scottish, half French, grew up in France. This Mary is Mary, Queen of Scots. Not Mary G.

Mary G. did not need to be on the throne because she was only Queen via Marriage. And she was French. Which is never good.

But she was a good queen because she allowed freedom of worship. A lot of Protestants ran into Scotland which made everyone happy.

Buuuuut! When Protestantism (Big words~!) started to get all over the place, Mary felt like the people were slipping away. Because Protestantism is slippery and it’s hard to pick things up when they keep sliding all over the place.

So she got one of those rubber things which help you open bottle caps when your hands are all slippery and she got a better grip. She started to make some rules which some people didn’t really like, and John Knox came over and was like HAI GUIZ and everyone was like HAI JOHN and he was like OH NOEZ THIS ISN’T GOOD LET’S GO INTO SWITZERLAND MODE!

Which sounded like a good idea at the time.

But he was kinda mean and hard with his preaching, and some mobs come and destroyed some Catholic Churches and stuff. Now he did not say openly “WE’RE GONNA GO START A RIOT YOU GUYS BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT CHRIST WOULD WANT US TO DO.” No, he was like “STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING STRONG PREACHING” and the people had the idea for the riots. But not John. He wasn’t really related to that bit.

But he did write some stuff like “WOMEN ARE BAD. THAT MANS YOU, BLOODY MARY AND MARY G. AND MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.”

“AND CATHERINE.”

They were all Catholic. And the Protestants were like YEAH!

And the Catholics were like WAT.

Especially the Marys.

And Catherine.

The book was banned, like, everywhere. Mary G. made possession of it PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. Even his buddy John Calvin was like “Dude.” and he banned the book too. But he just had it burned and didn’t really kill anyone for owning it.

But some how he got himself into Parliament. and after he was in there, HE WAS LIKE SUPERMAN. He basically transformed Scotland into a Protestant nation by preaching to them.

So this one time he was like “HAIII LIZABETHHHH” But Elizabeth was like “ha ha ha no im a woman im 2 week to rule i mean u said that riiiiiittteee?” And John was like “...CRUD. YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.” And then she was all “ok heres some ships so france dosnt kil u kthnxbai”

And that worked and she drove the French Ships on to the land and then the Scottish dealt with them.

Then John was like “LET’S BOND OVER OUR MUTUAL HATED HATRED FOR FRANCE.” and then Elizabeth was like “kk”

Which was really ironic, because that is EXACTLY what happened with Scots and France.

John was grateful, but he was still like “I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT CHURCH YOU GOT THERE.”

So he secretly like “i want to make scotland more protestant than england because i’m cool and hipster like that.” So he preached a LOT, and he wrote some books, and basically devoted all his time to BEING MORE PROTESTANT THAN ENGLAND.

He prepared the “First Scottish Confession of Faith” and the “First Book of Discipline.”

And they were books!

They were standards/guidelines for the church and state and blah blah blah. However, he was a genius and thought the state was allowed to condemn heretics to death yayyy!

He was like “HA HA FORGET MR. P-TO-DA-OPE” And got rid of his rules, but then he was all “HA FORGET MASS” and he got rid of that too.

But so this is now the Presbyterian Church, which is all cool and dandy.

BUT THEN MARY.

Queen of Scots, this time.

She was 18 and pretty and smart and she was a widow (Which is sad, because she was married at really young) and since her French husband had died the French sent her packin’. Back to Scotland. As a really strong Catholic. In a really strong Protestant nation.

WELL THAT IS GONNA WORK REAL WELL.

She got married to a Catholic nobleman and everyone was like “WaT.”

Deja vu.

So everyone kinda guessed this would be a repeat of Bloody Mary, but it wasn’t really that bad. She was kinda ok-ish. Sorta. But she and John were like “RAH RAH RAH”

And John was like “RAH RAH MORALS RAH RAH”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY CRY I’M A BAD PERSON CRY.”

And then John was like “RAH RAH RAH YEAH RAH.”

And Mary was like “CRY CRY I DON’T CARE.”

Likesrs. John was a really brutal preacher. And Mary’s morals needed to be reformed. And eventually they were. But we’re not gonna talk about that right now ;D

So eventually John kinda calmed down a little. And then he died. Like most people do.

BUT SRS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT LIKE A WHOLE THREE MORE DAYS TO FIGURE OUT MARY.

OK THIS IS REALLY LONG BUT JUST SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT.

Annnd now it’s time for another sequel!

So It really shoulda been Bloody Elizabeth instead of Bloody Mary. But I don’t pick awesome names for people.

ANYWAY.

So Mary is dead. People are happy. Elizabeth is queen. So why should she be called bloody Elizabeth?

BECAUSE SHE WAS A BLOODY GOOD QUEEN.

lol no i lied.

So Elizabeth knew England was all “asdf ohmigawsh wats goin onn am i catholic or am i protestant oh i dont even know anymore.” So she was really really careful with her decisions concerning Religion and Marriage.

She had a really really weird childhood. Because she was the daughter of good ol’ Henry the Fail and his second wife Anne Boleyn. She was really pretty and that was good, but Henry was angry because he wanted a son and Anne wasn’t really patient and she yelled at him a lot, so he killed her. Which is OBVIOUSLY the most logical thing to do.

And after she was dead, Elizabeth got to deal with it! She was removed from Henry’s castle for hopefully obvious reasons, and even though she was only two when it happened, she still was really down in the dumps. Because her mom was dead.

So Elizabeth got to go, uhh, away. But Jane Seymour was a really nice lady so she invited Elizabeth and Mary back. And she tried to make them a happy, normal, royal family, but...

Psh.

Pshh hha...

PSHA HA HA HA THAT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

But!

Henry finally got a boy outta Jane, but she died in childbirth. Which was traumatizing, but it was kinda nice to have a new little brother.

THEN HENRY MARRIED HORSEFACE!

But Horseface was really nice and treated Elizabeth like a daughter, but she was, you know, horseface.

Somehow the “We can still be friends!” line worked (lolwut?) and she still visited the kids every so often.

And then Catherine came along but she was kinda mean and nobody really liked her, but then she got killed which was still really sad because she was dead.

Then suddenly the other Catherine! And this was really good, because Elizabeth was 10 and she really needed a mother and yada yada yada. Elizabeth was given THE BEST EDUMACATOURS and she read French and Latin and Greek and played music and Italian and blah blah bluh blah and she was really really smart, etc. etc. etc.

So basically this was the best four years of her life. Up to that point, at least.

AND THEN IT CAME TO A BURNING, SCREECHING HALT OF PAIN AND SUFFERING.

And we’re gonna stop right here for a second because I’m mean and we’re gonna talk about the really really awkward situation between Mary and Elizabeth.

Mary was 17 when her father sent Catherine packin’. He then married someone TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN MARY.

This was not a political marriage.

...
FJHAKJSDNVAKJWBVOJHAB OGFJB NASDLKJBAKVJ JABRG;.

KHFKAJSDF

AGAGGAHAH
Yeah.

Then Mary got a new baby sister! From someone two years younger than her!

So there was a 17 year age difference there.

And then Anne died.

And then Jane came and made everyone happy. Mary was about 19, and Elizabeth was two. But then Jane died and everyone got sad again. More or less.

BACK TO BUZZNUZZ.

Henry died. Elizabeth, Mary, and Edward cried oceans of tears. And then Edward was king and had to suck it up.

And then he died 6 years later.

THEN IT WAS MARY’S TURN!

She was 37 and Elizabeth was 20.

Uuuunfortunately, this is when Mary and Elizabeth’s relationship dropped off a very steep cliff and into a deep abyss of hate, pain, and suffering. YAYYY~!

Mary was advised to lock Elizabeth up in the tower of London because I MEAN WHERE ELSE IS SHE GONNA PUT HER.

So she did. And she was all freakin out and she was like “LIVIN’ IT UP AT THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA” and so she was TERRIFIED.

So that was a lie and she did leave after about two months because she was like “Ah ha ha ha Protestant? Nooo man I’m Catholic ha ha ha sureee.”

She was kept under house arrest for a year though, and was watched really. Really. Closely.

And then when Elizabeth turned 25, she got to be Queen!

THEN SUDDENLY MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.

And Elizabeth got really scared. Because Mary Queen of Scots was Mary Queen of Scots.

But So Elizabeth kept being kinda quiet about her whole religious shtuff for about 6 months, but then she was like “PSHHH FORGET THIS” and she became the “Governor” of the Church of England.

Because Governor sounds a lot less power-crazy than “Head”.

At first, she didn’t want to KILL EVERYBODY. Which is a good thing.

I hope this is obvious.

Eventually, Protestants replaced Catholics in the government and stuff. But she wasn’t like GET RID OF ALL THE CATHOLICS like Mary. Er, like opposite Mary. Er, you know what I mean.

And then she made it illegal to celebrate Mass!

Woo hoo!

This made a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE ANGRY. But nobody was burned alive or tortured mercilessly. Which is good.

And for some reason beyond me, they changed the name of the Anglican Church of England. This was kinda a “blend” between the Catholics and the Protestants. This made some people happy, but there were those really strong purists who were like

Both sides did suffer persecution. This basically said “YOU GUIZ AREN’T ALLOWED TO BE REALLY REALLY STRONG IN YOUR FAITH, KAY?”

Annnd then Mr. P-to-da-ope was like

“ELIZABETH.

HAI. HAI HAI.

HAI ELIZABETH.

AYE DUN LIKE YEW.”

So he excommunicated her.

Catholics were really confused because they liked Elizabeth.

And Elizabeth was like “WHY DO I EVEN CARE I HAVE MY OWN CHURCH WHAT NOW.”

Anyway, now let’s shift gears.

Elizabeth was pretty. She was smart. She was nice. She was pretty. She was Queen. She was pretty.

And any guy who had a brai-

Er... Wait.

Everyone loved her. And she had about TWENTY COURTSHIPS GOIN ON.

Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree...

LOLNO I LIED.

She didn’t get married. She was married to England.

And everyone else was like “ENGLAND WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED”

Anyway, so take a guess as to who her first boifran was.

PHILIP.

THE.

SECOND.

MARY’S EX HUSBAND.

ASJHFKAJBGVOJGA

That needs to be like against the law or something.

...

ALSO, SHE FLIRTED WITH PHILIP’S SON.

AND THEN SHE DECLARED WAR ON THEIR COUNTRY.

“Oh, son, don’t worry. She’s just playing hard to get! She did it with me, don’t worry!”

She liked to use people to play along and political gain. She had a BIG GIANT WARDROBE full of everything. Pearls and jewels and makeup and EVERYTHING.

So eventually, she got really close to an English nobleman. His name was Robert Dudley.

...

But he was married.

D:

She really did love him, but still. He was married. And he had spent time in the Tower of London. His father and grandfather were beheaded for treason.

And then things got really really intense.

His wife “fell” down some stairs and died.

Now she probably did really fall, but a whole monkeyload of people thought he pushed her. Which he might have.

So Elizabeth ignored her heart.

And then she met a duke.

...

From France.

Yeeeah. This made a WHOLE LOT of anger from EVERYONE. Because England and France.

*giggle*

England and France had been in a whole lot of wars and hating and bleh bluh bleh bluh blah.

So Elizabeth declined the Duke and she remained unmarried until she died. She proudly called herself the Virgin Queen.

And it turns out Virginia was named after her nickname.

And there is more to the story, so we’ll throw bits and pieces in later. Because this is really really really long.

So yeah. We’ll also talk about Mary Queen of Scots later. But that’s a different lesson.

Yeah. The end~!

A Sequel! (Finally.)

Ohgosh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh gosh.

YOU GUYS RUN.

RUN AWAY. SERIOUSLY. RUN.

IT’S...

IT’S...

Bloody Mary.

Butsoanyway.

She was the daughter of Henry VIII’s FIRST wife, and when she was about 8 Herny was like “If I WANT a new wife, I’ll HAVE one. All I have to do is start up a whole new Church its’ no big deal guiz.”

So Mary got to take a vacation! Kinda! To Spain! Yay! And Mary even got to take part in the Spanish Inquisition!

She was pretty much raised by her Grandparents FERDINAND AND ISABELLA. That means she got to be a Catholic and got to watch all the Inquisition-ness!

Fast forward to the end of Henry’s reign. His will said this Ed reigned first, THEN Mary. (Then Elizabeth but shes not important.


Yet.)

So Edward VI was King. He was protestant, but Mary was Catholic. And Ed had done a LOT to promote protestant shtuff. So he was being dead at 15, and while he was dying he was talked into going against Henry’s will and choose this protestant chick they found to be the next queen.

Her name was Lady Jane Grey. And apparently, he thought this was a good idea. But she didn’t really want to be queen. But she agreed to the plan, and eventually Mary heard about all this shtuff.

So lets go back to child hood!

Mary was never allowed contact with her mother. Henry was a big giant control freak about that. But so Henry wanted Mary to sign some papers about her being an illegitimate child, but she was lyk

oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh if i do it then i’m an illegitimate child and i could die but if i dont then i’m messin with the king of england here oh man oh gosh oh man oh gosh.

But so she signed the papers. Which means she was an illegitimate child. Which means all the people were like “ILLEGITIMATE CHILD” and she was like D:

Mary also fought really bad headaches and was always weak because bloodletting. She also was locked in her room whenever her sister Elizabeth came over. And she wasn’t allowed to go to Mass, so they let her do it in her room instead. But soon they took that away from her.

...

*sniffle sniffle*

BACK TO LADY JANE GREY.

So she claimed the throne and was lyk “I’M QUEEN LULZ” then Mary was like “Ha ha no I’M THE QUEEN.”

England decided Mary should be queen, and so she was. This was really big, because England had been ruled by a single queen once before. But that was it.

But Mary was actually pretty cool. She lowered taxes and was nice to the poor and she improved to budged and she was actually a very nice, pleasant woman.

THEN SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

To the king of Spain! Now, he was 11 years younger than Mary, but still. Then the rest of England was like DO NOT WANT. And Philip, her new husband, was everything Mary wanted. Young, Handsome, Spanish, Catholic, and Spanish. And Mary LOVED him.

However...

He didn’t really love her. He only stayed in England about a year after they married. Mary THOUGHT when he left that she was preggers, but that wasn’t right and she was sad because she haz no bby.

So Mary went into rage mode and kicked the protestant bishops out and replaced them with Catholic ones. She freed two of the Catholic bishops that were locked up, and put some Protestants in jail.

AND OGURL.

These bishops (The Catholic ones.) were Mary’s new advisers because Philip was busy being Spanish. Well what did they advise?

ARREST ALL THE PEOPLE!

So Mary pretty much cleared out anyone who threatened her reign.

And she also killed some people!

RUTHLESSLY!

There aren’t ANY ruths up in hur.

So one of her main advisor doods backed out of it because he wasn’t really into that line of buzznuzz.

And the whole bloody-scary-burny buzznuzz wasn’t really handled a whole lot by Mary. She allowed it, and she could have stopped it, but she was like “HA! I’M QUEEN!” and didn’t.

And the English HATED HER.

But so Philip came back and was like “Yo Mary START A WAR AGAINST FRANCE.”

And Mary was lyk “y.”

And then Philip was lyk “BECAUSE IT’S FRANCE.”

Then then Mary was lik “O ok let’s have a baby.”

Then Philip was like “wat”

Then Mary like like “WAR. and then bby.”

And Philip was like O_o

But!

They had the war, and lost their last city is France. Nice job guys!

By this time, Mary was pretty much INSANE. She liked to roll around on the floor and walk through the palace being all emo. And then she got real sick and called for Elizabeth.

Mary knew that Elizabeth was the next in line, and that Mary was a REALLY STRONG PROTESTANT.

And Mary didn’t want her work to be undone.

WELL GEE THIS SOUNDS KINDA FAMILIAR.

Anyway.

She basically said “Elizabeth ur allwd 2 mess with my Catholic shtuff here’s the crown.”

And Elizabeth was like “LOL K”

So yeah.

The end...?

BUMBUMBUMMM

lol titles who needs em

MORE SPANISH.

So this guy was at the Christopher Columbus parade! And he was like “WOOOOAH THIS GUY WENT TO THE NEW WOOOORLD OOOH~ AND OOOH THERE’S SOME PEOPLEEEE WITH HIM AND THEY’RE ALL INDIANSSSS AND THEY’RE ALMOST NAKEDDDD AND PRETTY JEWELRYYY.” And he was like 9 years old when he was like “WOOOOAH”.

But anyways. This guy’s name was Bartolome, but we’re gonna name him Bart.

Bart grew up SPAIN because Spain was rockin around the Renaissance. And he was a farmer and stuff. He went to America when he was about 18 and he was given a encomienda. ENCOMIENDA~!

Now what the heck is an encomienda?

I DUNNO LET’S FIND OUT.

You see, after the Spaniards settled down in ‘MERICUHH, they modeled the government after Spain. And the Spaniards still hard the feudal system. But they renamed the Feudal system for America the ENCOMIENDA SYSTEM~!

So basically they went over there and was like “HAI INDIANS. THIS LAND IS NOW MINE AND YOU’RE GONNA WORK FOR ME ON THIS LAND WHIC IS NOW MINE WHICH I JUST STOLE FROM YOU. I’M GONNA HIRE YOU AND LET YOU LIVE AND WORK ON MY LAND BECAUSE I’M A NICE GUY AND IT’S THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO!”

“O BAI THU WAI WE’RE GONNA FORCE YOU INTO SLAVERY AND CHRISTIANITY KTHNXBAI NOW GET TO WORK~!”

Yeah.

And Yes, Spanish do yell. Always. That’s why I put everything they say in all caps.

But! So they were really nice and let the Indians work ALLLLL DAYYY from before the sun rose ‘till long after the sun set! And because they were in the deserty-area, that means it got really really hot during they day, and really cold at night! Also, they provided some really failtastic Christian tecahers to help the Indians learn why they were being loved SO MUCH.

Anyway.

So back to Bart!

He was given an Encomineda, but he wasn’t like most Slave drivers encomineda owners. He actually gave his back to the Governor, and he became an ordained priest by the Catholic Church. So he went and helped conquer Cuba, and for his serviced, he was given an...

ENCOMINEDA~!

(And Indians.)

This means the system was still alive and well, so he went over to whine and complain to the king of Spain. And the King of Spain was annoyed so he told him to go away for a few years and “research” the encominedas. So he did. But when he came back, there was a new king who was like “WELL PROVE HOW BAD THESE THINGS ARE.” And Bart wanted to try his way of doing things, so he did.

So Bart set up a little farming colony in Venezuela. Here, the Indians had more freedom. And I wish I could say everything went hunky-dorey, but it didn’t. It failed miserably. The people liked the old system better, because in the old system they didn’t have to work and they didn’t have to pay the Indians a whole lot. And they got free land.

Bart was sad. But he still didn’t stop helping the Indians. He joined the Dominicans and started writing about how bad the Indians were treated. And Mr. P-to-da-ope got wind of this and he thought Bart was right.

This was good, because the Spanish king was like Oh no it’s the Pope gotta agree with him.” So he signed up some new laws and shtuff. Basically it prohibited Indian slavery, and two years later, Bart was made a Bishop in Guatemala. However, Bart got the cold shoulder and everyone was like “PFFT FORGET THIS.” and they just went right along with their little encominedas. This really brought Bart down so he resigned as Bishop, but he kept-a pressin’ on.

DEBATE TIME!

So Bart won this Debate between him and another guy whose name I pronounce about as well as I can spell it. But still, the encomineda system kept on and did not stop for a while.

And Bart kept writing, and he was speaking at councils and kept on doin’ that kind of thing until he died.

...

So...

Yeah.

Depressing.