TODAY WE'RE HAVING A TWO FOR ONE SPECIAL ON ASTRONOMERS.

This dude. His name was Tycho. And he was a danish.

This means he lived in the bakery section in Kroger, and-

lolno

but serious he was Danish but not like that. And he didn’t live in Kroger. I don’t even think they had Krogers. But if he lived anywhere it wouldn’t be in Kroger because Kroger’s founder is German.

BUT ACTUALLY HE WENT TO UNIVERSITY IN KROGER. Er, in Germany. He went to university in Germany. And he had a swordfight and he basically got his nose chopped off. So he kinda made himself a fake nose out of silver, gold, and face powder.

herpderpderp

ANYWAY.

He did some pretty important star stuffs because he watched a supernova. Which would be awesome. Because a supernova looks kinda like this.

which is awesome. It’s basically a star bigger than the sun EXPLODING. It’s an unstable mass of gas and dust and other junk.

AND IT’S AWESOME.

Basically, it lasts for days or weeks and the light travels for years. Which means it lasts a while.

So anyways, he was like “KING OF DENMARK I CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and the King of Denmark was like “YOU CAN HAZ OBSURVUTORI” and then he put one on a little island named Hven. But it’s pronounced Ven. The H is silent. I’m not sure why. Those silly Danish.

ANYWAY.

So there was al ittle paper mill and a print shop and an OBSERVATORY. And it had some tourists, but Tycho spent a lot of time in his obvservatory.

He was an awesome astronomer, basically. But he still held on to that belief that the Ear was the center of the universe.

derpderpderp.

Anyway, so eventually Ty got booted off that island. Because the old king died and the new king was like “herpderp astronomy no get out.”

So for a while, he just kinda traveled around and wrote his autobiography. Eventually, he settled down in Prague and he was the Holy Roman Math Guy. And then he met this dude named Johannes Kepler.

NOW WAIT A SECOND. WHO IS THIS GUY?

His name was Johannes Kepler and he was German and he was kinda poor but still he went to University and yada yada yada.

His professors taught ancient ideas about astronomy, but they had ~secret seminars~ to talk about Copernicus. Because he was, like, totally so heretical~

Anyway.

Kepler liked these seminars, and he was really smart but he had some questions. So he dropped Ty a line with some of these and Ty was like “DOOD WE SHUD BE FRANDS.” And Kepler was like “sure~!”

Annnd Ty and Kepler were kinda sorta friends, but they were more ~professional~ colleagues. They didn’t really trust each other enough to show each other all of their research, because I guess they were kinda scared they’d get stolen or something.

ANYWAY.

Kepler was better at the mathz than Ty was, and he put some numbers together and he got some weird stuff.

BUT THEN TY DIED.

Basically he had a lot of mercury in his body and he was probs poisoned, but it might or might not have been on purpose. Because sometimes he made “medicine” out of it because he didn’t know it was poisonous. Herpderpderp.

And then Kepler was made the big giant Math guy, because you know. Ty was dead. And zombies aren’t good math guys. But Kepler was pretty cool, because he had laws. And all cool people have laws.

THE FIRST ONE.

Planets don’t move in circles. They just move kinda in oval shapes. Yay!

THE SECOND ONE.

Planets start going FASTER when they go around the sun. Like, the closer to the sun it gets, the faster it goes. Kinda. Which is hard to explain. Just google it if you’re really interested.

Annnd then this:

The squares of the periods of the planets are proportional to the cubes of their semi-major axis.

ha ha ha wat

BASICALLY if you’re a genius astronomathperson than you’ll get it. Maybe. THE DEAL IS I don’t get it and the universe is weird.

Anyway.

Kepler did some shtuff OTHER than math and astronomy shtuff. He also worked with eyes and he learned to understand it. He learned how to make a telescope and he watched Jupiter and shtuff.

He kinda got fired by the new Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire though. Oh well. He still worked and worked and he fixed the callender, and he made some more awesome math shtuff.

Buuut his personal life was sad. His son died and that really really hurt because he was reminded of himself. Then a year later his wife died. And then he got married again and he had SIX MORE KIDS but three of them died and run on sentence. He also developed calculus, so you can yell at him you calculus people. And then he got excommunicated and the Lutherans didn’t really like him.

Anyway. He kinda died quietly without any acknowedgement. Yeah.

BUT TYCHO HAS A FANCLUB ON THE INTERWEBS.... SOMEWHERE. I’ll put a link when I can find it. And when I’m not lazy.

And also when this has a better ending.

ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM~!

So, I have never heard of this guy. Mom has never heard of this guy. Nobody I know has heard of this guy.
Well maybe my uncle, but that doesn’t matter.
But apparently this is a sad story. D:
IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM.
John Huss, also written as Jan Hus. Pronounced JHAN GOOSE.
lulz
He was just 10 when John Wycliffe died. Remember him? HE WAS THE MORNING STAR THINGY.
Now Jan Hus and John Wycliffe never met. They never met, but there is another connection. Besides having the same (sounding) first name.
The king of England, John’s homeland, married the Queen of Bohemia, the homeland of Jan.
Which means that Jan got to go to Oxford, where John Wycliffe was famous. Sooo Jan got to learn about John and his teachings. Naturally, they took the ideas of the reformation to Bohemia.
And that’s how a lot of people learned about John.
So Jan was a scholar and a priest. He taught at Charles University in Prauge, pronounced Prog.

...
So Jan, with an open mind, began to read all the writings of John and he realized his errors and all that. So the logical thing to do, after reading some forbidden texts, is to....
TRANSLATE AND DISTRIBUTE IT IN SCHOOL!
Yeah. Scholar. Smart guy, he was.
So Jan was forbidden to discuss John or his teachings. lulz.
BUT HE DID IT SOME MOAR.
And then he became liked amongst the masses. And the Queen. And everyone.
Except the church. Especially the Pope. They felt very very threatened, so the Archbishop decided to burn all of Hus’ writings. He punished the city of Prauge just because of Jan. So Jan got smart here and he fled.
And here comes teh evil monkeh wrench.
So in the church at this time, there was a dispute as to who was actually Mr. P-to-da-ope. There were three men, each claiming to be Mr. P-to-da-ope. There was a guy in France saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And a guy in Rome saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And here comes Trollzilla in Germany saying, “LOLNOPE NONE’A YOU GUYZ R POPE, I AM.”
And the reason we’re bringing this up is to show you the state of the Church.
So you got three different guys saying, I’M DA POPE.
Jan was running around, and John was famous, so the Holy Roman Emperor called a meeting.
They had representatives from France, England, Italy, and the Holy Roman Empire. Which is Germany. They got together and tried to solve the triple-pope problem.
So what do you think happened? You would’a thought the Jonas Brothers were in town or something, because there were SO MANY PEOPLE THERE.
lolnope nobody cares about the Jonas Brothers.
Well it ended the triple-pope problem. You know who got to be Mr. P-to-da-ope? NOBODY! A whole new Mr. P-to-da-ope got picked.
Something sad about this is that he was invited to the council. IT’S A TRAP.

So John was not even put on trial. He was pretty much thrown into a hole in the ground. And not a big one. I’m talkin’ a tiny hole. Well it wasn’t really a hole, but it was about as bad as a hole. I’M CONFUSED NAO.
Ok. So, we got this cleared up. It was a cell which with really bad conditions and it was really small, LIKE a tiny hole in the ground.
So Jan could have escaped from it. The townspeople were RIOTING in this. They would have broken him out. He had friends BEGGING TO BREAK HIM OUT. He could have denied his teachings. But he didn’t. He stayed in jail.
He said he’d take back everything if he was proved wrong from scripture. Guess who was never proved wrong? JAN.
So they decided to vote if he was to die or not.
And they voted that he should die.
Guess who else they said should... uh... die...?
JOHN WYCLIFFE, WHO HAD BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
Failmode: On.
So they burned him at the stake. He probably could have escaped in the insanity, but no, he was found in his cell, praying. His cell was not locked.
It was customary to burn heretics at the stake, so the Church would not have to spill blood.
TROLOLOLO OH MAN THAT’S A GOOD ONE BECAUSE THE CHURCH HAS NEVER SPILLED BLOOD LOLOLOLOLO-
Oh.
Oh, they really did burn heretics at the stake? For that reason? I still think that’s funny.
1,000 body guards escorted him. They placed a paper crown on his head, and he sang hymns before he died. They asked him to deny what he said, but he wouldn’t.
Jan Hus had his own followers, like the LOLLARDS. They called themselves the Hussites, and they caused a civil war. lulz. Some broke away from the followers after this and started another Brethren.
THE ENDDD.
Uhmyuh.