SUDDENLY TURKS 2: REVENGE OF THE TURKS.

So some of you people have seen the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean. I mean, you know, it was ok, but this isn’t a movie review blargh. But you know how they went off the edge of the world? Like this:

Yeah.
Well, some people legit believed that back then. (They still do today. The Flat Earth Society. 4srs.) They thought that there were big scary sea monsters and stuff if you went too far this or that way.

Ok.
But so these peeps were right next door to Spain. They were in Portugal, and they were some explorers.
So you can really appreciate this, you need to know what happened to other explorers. People had tried to go from Portugal ALL THE WAY down the coast of Africa, around it, and head over to India. 14 trips had been attempted, but, well....

Or:

But more likely:

Yeah. They were getting kinda close to the equator, and they weren’t used to really hot weather. So they started SPAZZIN!!1! and freaking out and they thought the sun was going to boil them.
lulz.
So why did they want to go to Africa and India anyway?
Well, they wanted a new trade route. BECAUSE SUDDENLY TURKS.

The Turks cut off trade routes to the East. Which means no moar silk. No moar spices. NO MOAR GEMS.
And spices were important. They didn’t have ‘fridgerators, so they spiced the meat to make it like beef jerky. Pepper was one of those more valued spices. In fact, it was almost as valuable as gold. Derp.
So the Portugal's also wanted to share the gospel with the Asians. More specifically, Prince Henry the Navigator, son of the King of Portugal, wanted to do that. DOOD, THESE GUYS ARE ORIGINAL WITH THEIR NAMES. Hmm.
Okbutso.
Henry was a super legit Christian. He wanted to convert Muslims, he was in a cool religious group, they didn’t take slaves (like a buncha other traders), and they wanted to stop the spread of Islam.
Well they sound like some nice people.
Henry wanted to travel to preach the gospel, so he joined up with some Astronomers, Shipbuilders, Map Makers, and a buncha peeps.
AND THEN THERE WAS A THIRD REASON.
They were trying to find a ~mysteriousss~ Christian king named Prester John. John supposedly owned kingdoms in India or Africa. A letter was received that pretty much said “OGURL I BE GETTIN TAKEN OVAR BY BARBARIANS.”
So I’m thinking dood probably didn’t really exist. Some kid probably wrote it up and dropped it in the mailbox to see where it’d end up. And then it spread through ALL OF EUROPE and everyone was looking for Prester John.
So there was another guy named Bartolomeu Dias... We’ll call him Bart.
So Bart was asked by King John II of Portugal to sail around Africa. The king paid for the ALL EXPENSE PAID VACATION~! He got three of the finest ships in Portugal, and sent Bart off.
So he got farther south than anyone had before. He and his men kept moving. Well, guess what?
THERE WERE NO MONSTERS. THERE WAS NO BOILING. THERE WAS NO END OF THE WORLD.
Failmode.
So a really bad storm came. For two whole weeks.
*sniffle*
BUT. THEY. LIVED.
After the storm was over, Bart still wanted to go for it.
He wanted to go up the east coast of Africa, but his men weren’t to hip on the idea.
Bart, sadly, gave in, and he went back to Portugal. This time, he maneuvered his ships close enough to the shore to see it. lulz.
So another explorer wanted to go around Africa. By this time, Portugal had another king. He was a good one, and gave the explorer, named De Gama, a few ships to sail him off.
So he brought a crew with him, and in that crew was Bart. Bart decided to come along, which was pretty cool. However, he ditched the guys about halfway there. ~And nobody knows why~
So the guys made it without any boiling water, end of the worlds, or sea monsters.
So they were pretty much kicked out of India because it was taken over by Muslims, and nobody wanted them there.

So they went back to Portugal, and everyone treated them like heroes.
Later, they went back to India, and they pretty much BROKE IN TO INDIA. They sank a Muslim ship that held THREE HUNDRED PILGRIMS GOING TO MECCA, and at that, India opened their trade routes.
So what about Bart?
Oh. Yeah. He drowned.
As for De Gama, he died in India. He was kinda an ambassador.
Uhm.
Well.
That was... Anti-climatic.

Zombierome~!

list goes on.
So we’re going to add another to the list~!
IVAN THE GREAT OF RUSSIA.
Originally, he was named Ivan III.
He was born in Russia, but it wasn’t exactly a country yet. The Mongols were ruling Russia.

NO. THAT’S WRONG.
They were the Tatar Mongols.

Butanyways.
They were feared. At the time, Batu Khan ruled over the Golden Hoard tribe. And thought the Russians were ruled by the Tatar Mongols, they had a prince. And his name was Ivan.
And he was not impressed with the Golden Hoard. He couldn’t care less. I mean, he was a Russian Prince. He didn’t really care. But he wanted to free Russia. Someone, someday, was going to revolt anyways.
So being that Ivan is called Ivan the Great, you might have figured out that he decided to get the revolt over with. The Mongols had been in Russia for over 240 years, so it was about time Russia got control again.
So Then Ivan freed Russia and everyone was happy the end~!
OK. Wait. Back up.
Back before Ivan freed Russia, something happened. He gained power. How does one go about doing that?
HE GOT MARRIED.
Do you think he just went out and picked up a lady?
Nooo.
He married a VERY important person. Her name was Sophia, and she was the niece of the last Byzantine Emperor.
Ogurl.
LET’S BACK UP SOME MORE.
So The Byzantine Empire. Middle Ages. The Byzantine Empire was actually the Easter Roman Empire, but that was cumbersome to write. So they called it the Byzantine Empire.
And the Byzantine Empire had a church. It was the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the western had the Holy Roman Church. Ok. So even though the Eastern Orthodox Church was different, it blended Church and State, just like the Holy Roman Church.



So when the Byzantine Empire collapsed, Sophia was the last person in the whole entire Royal Byzantine line.
AND SUDDENLY TURKS.

Ok. So Sophia had the remaining power of the Byzantine Empire and the power of the Eastern Orthodox Church.
So when Ivan got married, he got allathat power.



So Ivan appointed himself as the Protecter. Oooh... That sounds cool. Like a wrestling name or something. AND THEN THAT SONG IS LAYING IN THE BACKGROUND AND THE GUY GOES, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE PROTECTOR!” and then he comes out and-
Nevermind.
So we don’t know if he was a legit follower of Christ, but he took his position 4srs. He was like a crusader, because Mongols were Muslims, and he fought them off. He had a dream for a free Russia, and that’s what happened.
Sooo with Ivan married to Sophia, it was kinda like they were the eastern Roman Empire... In fact, that’s what Ivan thought.

So.
Russia was pretty proud. It was like a new Rome. A Rome that had been brought back from the dead. A ZOMBIE ROME.
Ivan was successful in leading Zombierome. He refused to pay tribute to the Golden Hoard. Sophia agreed with him on the bold move.
SO UNLIKE THE MONGOLS, THEY DECIDED TO NOT HAVE A WAR.
o-o
Ogurl.
So Ivan decided to call himself ruler of All Zombierome, and not just the little bit that he was ruling. He moved the capital to Moscow, and he had a bunch of buildings rebuilt. He actually brought in Italian architects to rebuild the Kremlin. Which was funny, because they were bringing back the Roman style.
Ivan dressed like a Byzantine emperor. He used the Byzantine Seal, which is a two headed eagle holding a sword and the Holy Hand Grenade. Oh, don’t believe me? You believed me about the Eagle on the blooming cactus eating a snake! Ok, well, here’s a picture of the seal:

...
Hold on.
...

YOU SEE! RIGHT THERE! IN HIS HAND!
Ok. But so.
Do you think everything was all peachy in Zombierome? Yeah! Totaly! Everything was aweso-
NO.
IT WASN’T GREAT.
Ivan got kinda brainpowerhungry. He deiced that he’d ditch his government pals and just used his own ideas.
...
FAILMODE: ON.
So he lessened the power of nobility because he decided it’d be a good idea to make a new class of land-owners. He gave land and power to his Armydoods. He decided to use the ABSOLUTELY PERFECT feudal system. He tweaked it a bit though. It became kinda like slavery, because they started trading their serfs. It wasn’t until 1861 that it ended. /lesob
And the serf class wasn’t little tiny. No. It was GIANORMOUS. They were entering the Dark Ages, unlike the rest of Europe. Well, Ivan wasn’t that horrible, and he wasn’t that great. He just kinda was. He was in the middle.
So even though we’re done with Ivan, we are NOT done with Russia. Soon, we will learn about his Grandon, whose nickname was not as lovely.
HE WAS...
IVAN. THE. TERRIBLEEE.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Ok. So. Everyone knows who Christopher Columbus is.
But he isn’t what this lesson is about.
THIS IS ABOUT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
What was the Spanish Inquisition? It was a court for ratting out Heretics. Gee, haven’t heard that one before.
So the Spanish Inquisition was not a fun place.
At this time in history, Spain was not all nice and unified. It was kinda like Italy, but it was different. If that makes sense. It had royal family rules instead of rich peeps.
Well Ferdinand was prince of Aragon, and Isabella was princess of Castile. Isabella went to church and was good and went on Sunday morning and nights and Wednesday night and al that jayazz.
SO FERDINAND AND ISABELLA GOT MARRIED. Now it was political and arranged and all, but it was still sweet. They really loved each other, and it was good and nice and sweet.
Aragon and Castile were already the largest kingdoms in Spain. Now they were, together, LIKE A MEGA ULTRA KINGDOM THING. Spain was in it’s golden age anyhoos, so Arstile was amazing.
...
Uhm.
Casgon?
Aragoncastile?
Castagon.
There.
That sounds good.
Ok.
But so Spain is great. It has scholars and painters and all that. Woop woop.
SO.
Suddely THE RECONQUISTA.
Which means all the Christians drove the Mooselums down to the south of Spain

So Ferdinand and Isabella were raising money to fight them. However, they were getting a little extreme. They drove out anyone who opposed Christianity, which was not just Mooselums.
So that’s what started the Spanish Inquisition.
So it wasn’t really a thing, it was... Uh... A... Thing. A process, if you will.
The inquisition was how they drove the people out.
What they did was put people on trial. They would have to prove their guilt or innocence with crimes against the church. The idea goes wayyy back, but still.
The system was modeled after a court that the Dominicans used. They carried banners that said “Mercy” and “Justice”. They got a little carried away with the Justice bit though. They used. Very. Harsh. Measures.
As did Ferdinand and Isabella. They put their court in the hands of Tomas De Torquemada. We’ll name him Tom. He was Isabella’s childhood priest and a Dominican Friar who thought there wasn’t a thing wrong with the court system.
Oh! Also!
He thought there was nothing wrong with torturing people to make them confess their sins against the church.
So you’re pretty much gonna die either way.
On his behalf though, someone said that he thought he was saving people from eternal punishment by punishing them on earth.

So there were a lotta Jews in Spain. These Jews had a few choices when it came to faith: Convert to Islam and die. Convert to Christianity and live. Don’t convert and die.
So a lot of them decided that they’d convert to Christianity. Well, some didn’t convert fo realz, and they just practiced Judaism underground. Most of them were arrested, put on trial, and put to death, but others went on about their way.
Soon, Ferdinand and Isabella made Persecution even worse. They signed what is called the Edict of Expulsion. Expulsion does not sound like a fun word, does it? No. No it does not. Explusion means to be expelled. The Jews had 3 months to Leave Spain or be baptized.
So a lot of people decided to leave. As in, 800,000 people. Now I don’t know how many people were in ancient Spain, but when 800,000 people up and leave, that effects a country. All of these people took their businesses, left a ton of jobs, they spent some money to get out of the country, and Spain was hurt really bad.
So despite all of this, Ferdinand and Isabella were pretty great people. They sponsored Christopher Columbus, they were great rulers, and they had some pretty good ideas about the futtturee~!
So uhm.
Yeah.
The end~!

LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THIS MAP. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THIS MAP.

Take a step into the TARDI- Errr, time machine.
We’ve been nearing the Renaissance , but we’re going to go a lot farther back.
PAUL.
Paul.
You know Paul, th-



...
no.
Paul the missionary. He went from city to city spreading the gospel. Ok. He went to Europe and Asia and Greece and all that good stuffz. Told about Jesus. What happened as a result of that?
Between his missionary journeys, he got in jail a lot. He wrote a lot of letters while he was in jail, though. SEVEN of the New Testament books are written by Paul and named after the cities he visited. He wrote more, but seven are named after the cities. Six of the seven cities are located in what later become known as the Ottoman empire.
During this time, The known world was, for the most part, the Roman Empire. Not the Holy Roman Empire, but the Roman Empire. Things were getting wack and crazy all up in there, and Christians were being persecuted, and a buncha bad stuff was going on. And then the roman empire was divided. Constantine come to the throne of the Western Roman Empire, and the capital was moved. And Constantine got all greedy and decided he’d go attack the Eastern Roman Empire. So he did and he got it. lulz.
Where’d he move the Capital? To Byzantium, which was known as Constantinople, which is now Istanbul. I don’t know why they changed it three times, but they did.
So after about a hundred years, everything went kuh-ploink and Rome fell. Inflation, taxation, Obam-BARBARIANS, and moving eventually made the entire country fall. But not in a day. I know it wasn’t built in a day, but it didn’t fall in a day either ._. This was around 476.
So almost A THOUSAND YEARS LATER is where we currently are. The Ottoman empire was pretty sweet, but they were mainly Islamic. So how did these six cities in the Ottoman empire fare? I’LL TELL YOU LATER.

So way back, Constantine made it a law that you couldn’t persecute Christians in the Edict of Milan. They were under HORRIBLE persecution, and Constantine was not too fond of that. Constantine wanted his empire to be strongly Christian.
So we’re going back again. We got Justinian and Theodora. They made Constantinople what it is/was/whatever. It was like a golden age.
AND THEN GENGHIS KHAN CAME.
And here we are at the Ottoman Turks. The Ottoman Turks used to be a little band of fugitives, led by a man named Ossman. He and his followers, the Ottomen, were on the run from our good buddy Genghis Khan. They were freakin’ smooth out and were running. Their place of refuge was with the among the... the... I don’t know how to spell it or say it. I’m not even going to try. BUT THERE WERE SOME TURKS. AND THEY WERE NEAR THE BLACK SEA. Which is over near Constantinople.
Ossman was not just gonna live with the Turks. He was going to CONQUER them. So he did.
FOR TEH LULZ.
And he did a good job. He declared himself Sultan of the Turks and he ruled over them. So Ossman moved the Turks over to the Europe side of the Black Sea. Check out your friendly neighborhood globe and you’ll see what I mean. Then they took over the Balkans. I have NO idea who these guys are. They were a group of countries that were named after the mountain range around Bulgaria and Yugoslavia.
LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THIS MAP. LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THIS MAP. THIS MAP IS THE MAP YOUR MAP HAS, BUT A LOT MORE DETAILED.

GREECE. IT’S ON THE MAP. ALBANIA. YOU SEE IT. BULGARIA. IT’S RIGHT THERE. TURKEY. LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ONE. MOST OF YUGOSLAVIA. AND SOME OF ROMANIA. THEY’RE IN OUR BALKAN PARTY. YUGOSLAVIA IS NOT A COUNTRY ANYMORE. THEY ARE UNINVITED TO OUR PARTY. IT IS NOT A NICE REGION TO BE IN. LOTSA WAR. LOTSA LOTSA WAR.
Back to the Ottomans, though. The Ottomans crossed into Europe and fought the Balkans. They found the Bulgarians and the Serbs. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out where the Bulgarians are from, and the Serbs were from Yugoslavia. The Turks were all “HEEEY, THESE GUYS AREN’T THAT MUCH DIFFERENT FROM USSS.” Well, except they had different religions. The Turks were Islamic and the Serbs and their Bulgarian buddies were Christian. And they had... Problems. The Ottomans brought their Islamic faith, and FORCED people to become Islamic or be heavily taxed. Christian cities fell because of this. Except for one city.
Except for CONSTANTINOPLE.
It had not been taken yet. Only one one sultan ever rose to the task, whose name was Mohammed. The second. Mo (not to be confused with Mohammed the First.) was an earth shaker. He had 150,000 soldiers to help him attack Constantinople, KNOWING that it was about 10 times the size of his opponents. For the lulz.
He had a big ship. It could not get through, because of a chain. So he just got a buncha little boats. And they pushed them across the land with logs and made like a conveyor belt. He had 70 bitty warships that they had positioned. Constantine the... Eleventh? Yeah. Constantine the Eleventh was pleading for help, but nobody came.
Awh.
So for about 54 days they fought back. Then it fell, and Constantine did too.
The Ottoman Turks renamed Constantinople. It is now called Istanbul.
And you see, when the Ottomans took over, the scientists, great thinkers, artists, and poets, fled. They were what made Constantinople great. But they caused the spread of genius throughout Europe, known as... -dramatic voice- THE RENNISANCE.
And as for the Ottomans, they kept at it and did well until, get this, 1918.
Wow.
And now, we part, and I leave you with something to help you remember, that it is, in fact, Istanbul and not Constantinople.

PUMA BLOOD.

So in all of our posts, we’ve looked at a ton’a places. China, Japan, France, England, Spain, Germany, New Zealand, Zimbabwe. We’re studied a LOT.
So let’s back up.
A few 1,000 years ago, Asia and north America had a LAY-UND BRI-UDGE.
Said lay-und bri-udge was either a result of the ice age or it just didn’t get broken apart.
So there have been people in America for a long time. However, South America did not really have a lot of written language. That is, until the 1400s.
Wow.
History has FLOWN past.
BUTBACKONTRACK.
In 1438 there merged an Empire. IT was SO BIG and SO RICH that it made a mark on history. Now do you think they went from being all DERPYHOOVES (brohoof to my bronies. I know you’re out there.) to MMM YES MY GOOD CHAP SHALL YE COME OVAH FOR TEA THIS FINE EVE’ MMM QUITE.
No.
Not at all.
So there was a very dry desert. Don’t ask me what this has to do with the DERPIRE, but mom just started talking about it.
So past the uberdry desert, there was a really big and really long mountain range named the Andes Mountains. And past the Andes mountains, there was the largest rainforest. In. The. World. THE AMAZON~ And it was the Inca’s homeland. The man who is given most credit for founding the Inca Empire is named.. Pachacuti. Pronounced... PAT-YA-COOTIE. LOLOLOLOL. Ok. Sorry. Had to get that out.
But anyways, Pacha didn’t really deserve this. He didn’t even found the empire! The guy wasn’t even supposed to be an Emperor! He was a warrior though and was an ambitious guy. He was a hero and a warrior prince. He was the Emperor’s BROTHER. He expanded the kingdom. A lot. You know what he did to celebrate? He drank corn beer. Ok. Decent celebra-
FROM THE SKULLS OF HIS ENEMIES.
...
..
.
Uhm....
Ok.
WELL THEN HE TOOK THE THRONE OF HIS BROTHAH. So instead of making enemies of those who he conquered, he made bestfrans and the Inca culture learned a tonna stuff.
You know, you can go and kill the leader and drink corn beer from their skulls and have a grand time, but you want to be bestfrans and they be all lyk “OKOK LOOK AT THIS BRICK ISN’T IT WONDERFUL PLZ DON’T KILL ME MISTER D:”
Well Pacha was kinda tired now. HE deicded he was going to tone it down a bit and go built their capital city. Named. Cuzco.

OHMYGOSH. I JUST GOT IT. CUZCO... PACHA. ASDF. REALIZATION.
But anyways.
Cuzco, in the native language of the Incas meant... BELLYBUTTON.
Or Naval. If you want to be boring. I PREFER BELLYBUTTON.
If you saw Cuzco from above, you would see that it was shaped. Like. A. Puma.
Over near the head, it was zig zag walls to look like teeth. They were so well laid that they still stand.
In the body of the puma were really nice streets. In the middle was a temple.
In the tail was a temple to the got of the Sun. Not the Left Handed Hummingbird god of war and the sun, but just the god of the sun.
There was a special section for the Emperor that was very. Well. Guarded. Pacha made himself out to be a sort of god, so he didn’t want to screw that up by hanging out with the normal folkz. And nobody could look at him.
His spit was gathered as a treasure, and they. Ate. His. Hair. ... .. .
He wore an elaborate new outfit every day. He had the LARGEST ear plugs in the kingdom.
HE MARRIED HIS SISTER.
But he also allowed himself hundreds of other wives.
trolololo.
He had a special garden with lotsa gold. There was gold everywhere in the palace. Gold throne. Walls of gold. Plants of gold and animals of gold and a buncha stuff.
The sun was very special to the Incas. Pacha made worship of the sun an official religion.
One of the most important holy sites was called Titicaca. It was a lake- wait.
PSHAAAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOL TITTICACA.
Ok.
I’m done.
Titicaca was a lake that was at the top of the Andes. It has 25 islands, and one of them is named the Island of the Sun. The air is so thin that you can barely breathe. The emperor came every year to pay tribute.
So there was an Island of the Sun, so there was an island of the moon. They were selected specially because they were the most beautiful. They were trained to be priestesses. However, some of the most beautiful were selected to wives to the emperor or the be given to other tribes. Girls not chosen to be on the Island of the Moon were destined for a peasant life.
D:
Anyways.
Pacha was kinda like a Julius Ceaser in South America.
In his special little get away, he built an extravagant temple. It was more beautiful than Cuzco. 1,000 of the most elite nobility worked there, and he made sure that the most exotic food were served to them. One of these being the Coca leaf. From which Cocane is derived.

"Hey! You got your blog in my judgement!"
"Hey! You got your judgement in my blog!"
They chewed coca leaves because it “soothed their aliments and relieved their exhaustion.”
This building of Pacha’s was very unique and very elaborate. Thankfully, it was untouched and undiscovered by by Spanish explorers.
As skilled as the Incas were, they did not make use of wheels, horses, or money. Yep. No wheels for these guys. Or horses. Or... money...

Every traveler walked on foot, or was carried by people. lulz.
For heavy loads, people used llamas or alpacas. However, Alpacas and llamas cannot carry more than 100 pounds though. POOR LLAMA D:
They had a very interesting system of counting. A very interesting and intricate system of counting.
If you were lucky enough to be JUST MARRIED~ in the Inca empire, then you were exempt from paying taxes for a whole year. Divorce was forbidden, and adultery was punishable by death. Many other crimes were punishable by death. How were they executed? By getting pushed off a cliff.
Eeew.
They had their own... odd rituals though. With the dead, when they were mummified, were mummified in a... sitting position. So they could be present. At. Banquets. And to be paraded through. The. City.
ASDFEEEW.
The Inca empire, at it’s high, had 10-12,000,000. However, the Spanish crushed them down to about 1,000,000. There are still Incas today, and they continue to farm and weave just like they did about 600 years ago.
THE EU-UND!~

Sorry it Took So Long x-x

So we’re in a market place. Derp.
A lot of people were there. No duh.
AND JOAN OF ARC WAS AT THE STAKE.
And she died.
OK THEN THE END SEE Y’ALL LATER.
lolnope.
Someone decided that it was a good idea to start at the end...? Meh. Whatever.
So this all goes back to the 100 years war. Which was not really 100 years. It was between England and France and all that? Yep. It took two treaties, two royal marriages, and about 83 years of actual battle. What did they want? The crown of France. They did not only WANT the crown, they WON the crown.
And two years later, Henry V, king of Franceland, bit the dust.
MOARWAR.
So in comes Joan. She was born in France, grew up as a peasant, and was a devout Catholic. Unlike most peasant girls, Joan believed she hear voices. JUST LIKE MEEE~ Except she thought that she heard, superficially, the voices of various saints and Micheal the Archangel. What were they saying? Be good, obey your parents, pray, and all that. So her parents didn’t really mind that. But at 17, the voices told her to lead the Prince of France to take his throne and become the next king.
So the Prince was a dolphin.
Oh? Wait? What? Dauphin? What? Oh, ok.
So he wasn’t a dolphin. I was misinformed. Dauphin is what the Prince of France is called. So Charles the VII was the Dauphin, son of Charles... VI... But Charlie VII was in no position to take the throne. You see, he was kinda, you know, flat broke. The traditional location where one would crown the king was over where the English were, so it was not under France’s control. So that was out of the question.
So VII said a little prayer that he could have the power to rule the throne, the courage, blah blah blah.
So Joan cut her hair, dressed in man’s clothing, and went to the castle.
So VII is freakin’ smooth out. He said a prayer and here comes Mrs. Peasant who cut all her hair, dressed up like a man, and said she heard voices? Well, VII was a bit cautious. So he decided he’d put her through some tests, which were long and pretty cool. She passed them all. So he sent her to Church camp or whatever and was questioned for three more weeks. They sent her back and suggested to put her in charge of the French Royal Army.
LULZ
So did this at 17. She was given horses, white armour, and servants.
She did a good job with her army too. She had very strict rules concerning their morals.
She was a military genius, and she had soon completed her mission of crowning Charles VII.
Well wouldn’t it be nice if the story could end here? All nice and happy and stuffs?
Well, no.
There was a lot to do to get back the rest of France! So she kept fighting to get it back.
So England was. Fed. Up.
THEY WERE LOOSING TO A TEENAGER!
A TEENAGE GIRL!
A TEENAGE PEASANTGIRL!
So England decided that they had to get rid of Joan.
So she was moving on, and she got ambushed by some soldiers that had collaborated with the French. So she was kept in a prison in France. She tried escaping, three attempts were made at BREAKIN’ HER OUT, but still, the girl had to hang in prison.
So the French Soldiers sold her to the English for about 3,000 modern English dollaz.
SO SOMEHOW, IN ALL OF THIS, SHE WAS CALLED A HERETIC.
She was a DEVOUT Catholic! What!
WHAT!
So I figured the conversation went kinda like this:
Dood1: “Dude, we need to kill this girl.”
Dood2: “Yeah.”
Dood1: “Wanna call her a heretic?”
Dood3: “BUT GUYZ SHE 1SNT A HERET1C TROLOLOLO”
Dood1&2: “...BUT IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN GET RID OF HER.”
So they just did a casual handwave and said “HERETIC.”
So they burned her at the stake.
Yeeeah...
So they shaved her, made her wear a dunce hat, and a dress.
D:
So then the French drove the English out of all their land and the French won the 100 years war.
AND THEN 24 YEARS LATER, SHE WAS DEEMED INNOCENT.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
IN 1920 (Yes. Nine. Teen. Twenty.) THE CHURCH DECIDED TO MAKE HER A SAINT.
WHAT.
IN.
THE.
WORLD.
asdf.
WELL THAT WAS A HORRIBLE ENDING.

ITS TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM~!

So, I have never heard of this guy. Mom has never heard of this guy. Nobody I know has heard of this guy.
Well maybe my uncle, but that doesn’t matter.
But apparently this is a sad story. D:
IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER EMO HISTORY POETRY SLAM.
John Huss, also written as Jan Hus. Pronounced JHAN GOOSE.
lulz
He was just 10 when John Wycliffe died. Remember him? HE WAS THE MORNING STAR THINGY.
Now Jan Hus and John Wycliffe never met. They never met, but there is another connection. Besides having the same (sounding) first name.
The king of England, John’s homeland, married the Queen of Bohemia, the homeland of Jan.
Which means that Jan got to go to Oxford, where John Wycliffe was famous. Sooo Jan got to learn about John and his teachings. Naturally, they took the ideas of the reformation to Bohemia.
And that’s how a lot of people learned about John.
So Jan was a scholar and a priest. He taught at Charles University in Prauge, pronounced Prog.

...
So Jan, with an open mind, began to read all the writings of John and he realized his errors and all that. So the logical thing to do, after reading some forbidden texts, is to....
TRANSLATE AND DISTRIBUTE IT IN SCHOOL!
Yeah. Scholar. Smart guy, he was.
So Jan was forbidden to discuss John or his teachings. lulz.
BUT HE DID IT SOME MOAR.
And then he became liked amongst the masses. And the Queen. And everyone.
Except the church. Especially the Pope. They felt very very threatened, so the Archbishop decided to burn all of Hus’ writings. He punished the city of Prauge just because of Jan. So Jan got smart here and he fled.
And here comes teh evil monkeh wrench.
So in the church at this time, there was a dispute as to who was actually Mr. P-to-da-ope. There were three men, each claiming to be Mr. P-to-da-ope. There was a guy in France saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And a guy in Rome saying, “I’M DA POPE.”
And here comes Trollzilla in Germany saying, “LOLNOPE NONE’A YOU GUYZ R POPE, I AM.”
And the reason we’re bringing this up is to show you the state of the Church.
So you got three different guys saying, I’M DA POPE.
Jan was running around, and John was famous, so the Holy Roman Emperor called a meeting.
They had representatives from France, England, Italy, and the Holy Roman Empire. Which is Germany. They got together and tried to solve the triple-pope problem.
So what do you think happened? You would’a thought the Jonas Brothers were in town or something, because there were SO MANY PEOPLE THERE.
lolnope nobody cares about the Jonas Brothers.
Well it ended the triple-pope problem. You know who got to be Mr. P-to-da-ope? NOBODY! A whole new Mr. P-to-da-ope got picked.
Something sad about this is that he was invited to the council. IT’S A TRAP.

So John was not even put on trial. He was pretty much thrown into a hole in the ground. And not a big one. I’m talkin’ a tiny hole. Well it wasn’t really a hole, but it was about as bad as a hole. I’M CONFUSED NAO.
Ok. So, we got this cleared up. It was a cell which with really bad conditions and it was really small, LIKE a tiny hole in the ground.
So Jan could have escaped from it. The townspeople were RIOTING in this. They would have broken him out. He had friends BEGGING TO BREAK HIM OUT. He could have denied his teachings. But he didn’t. He stayed in jail.
He said he’d take back everything if he was proved wrong from scripture. Guess who was never proved wrong? JAN.
So they decided to vote if he was to die or not.
And they voted that he should die.
Guess who else they said should... uh... die...?
JOHN WYCLIFFE, WHO HAD BEEN DEAD FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
Failmode: On.
So they burned him at the stake. He probably could have escaped in the insanity, but no, he was found in his cell, praying. His cell was not locked.
It was customary to burn heretics at the stake, so the Church would not have to spill blood.
TROLOLOLO OH MAN THAT’S A GOOD ONE BECAUSE THE CHURCH HAS NEVER SPILLED BLOOD LOLOLOLOLO-
Oh.
Oh, they really did burn heretics at the stake? For that reason? I still think that’s funny.
1,000 body guards escorted him. They placed a paper crown on his head, and he sang hymns before he died. They asked him to deny what he said, but he wouldn’t.
Jan Hus had his own followers, like the LOLLARDS. They called themselves the Hussites, and they caused a civil war. lulz. Some broke away from the followers after this and started another Brethren.
THE ENDDD.
Uhmyuh.