THIS GUY IS MUCH COOLER THAN THIS POST PINKY PROMISE

RENE DESCARTES

SO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT THING

“I think, therefore I am.”

OF COURSE YOU DO.

So this guy. He was French. And also good at math and stuff.

so when he was a kid he almost died whoops

but then he didn’t.

So he was kinda a weaky frail boy but. He hung with some monks, and then he joined the army in Holland. In 1618.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN 1618.

it was the beginning of the 30 years war

So he never actually went into combat????? but he did travel all over the place????

which was kinda what he wanted to do anyway so das coo

AND THEN HE MET THIS GUY WHO LIKED THE MATHS

so basically there was this thing which may or may not have actually happened uh

THE CARTESIAN COORDINATE SYSTEM.

so this one time while Rene was chillin he saw a fly. wow dude this is intense.

so he thought WHAT IF I CAN PLOT THIS FLY WITH TWO NUMBERS

meaning he was gon graph dat fly.

yep.

AND HE MOVED A WHOLE LOT. AND HE THOUGHT. A LOT. AND HE STARTED TO REALLY REALLY LIKE PHILOSOPHY. AND HE WAS LIKE “SKEPTICS ARE STUPID”

and a lot of people liked being skeptics ok

and they thought the old ones like plato and aristotle were really stupid because LOL THEY DIDN’T KNOW THE NEW WORLD EXISTED THEY STUPID

So there were the skeptics who had some whacked out version of brain-in-a-jar syndrome who were like “I DON’T EXISTS”

and thats when rene said “I think, therefore I am.”

right right ok.

and he also thought God existed because “A good God would never create man to think God existed if he did not.” and that “A perfect God could not come from the minds of an imperfect man.”

welp

SO DUALISM.

THE DISTICTION BETWEEN BODY AND MIND.

DAS P COO.

SINCE THE SENSES CAN’T BE TRUSTED, THIS ME, THAT IS TO SAY, THE SOUL BY WHICH I AM WHAT I AM, IS ENTIRELY DISTINCT FROM THE BODY.

lol idk

so anyway then he died

a week after he got pnumonia

pnuonima

pneumonia

there we go.

the

end????

this was a terrible post im sorry ahahaha.

SQUANTOOOO

SO YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE GUY WE TALKED ABOUT FOR A SECOND LAST TIME?

Squanto.

Sqqquaaannttooo.

Just. Just. Just do me a favour and say that out loud. Because it sounds great ok.

SO ANYWAY.

A lot more ships and stuff were sent over than the Mayflower and this Waymouth guy came and captured some Indians. 5 of them. And one of them was Squanto~!

bet you didn’t see that coming right

uh so ANYWAY THIS WAYMOUTH GUY GAVE HIS INDIANS OVER TO ENGLAND.

and they were used as like mascots ok. and they were probably treated actually pretty well???? And they even got to leave after a little bit. Except for Squanto and this other guy.

THEN HE MET JOHN SMITH.

that just so happened to me the same time pocahontas was getting married ahahaaha what no that is not funny one bit

SO JOHN LEFT ENGLAND AND TOOK SQUANTO WITH HIM AND SAID HE’D GIVE HIM BACK TO HIS TRIBE.

But John wasn’t really the most reliable guy right. So Squanto chilled with John for. A. Really long time. But he did get to go back to his tribe!

after the entire tribe was lured onto the ship though whoops

And basically there was this other guy that wasn’t John. He took them to Spain and was pretty much really mean to them, and was going to sell them into slavery.

THEN THEY MET SOME MONKS.

and you know what monks do.

THEY TAUGHT SQUANTO ABOUT JESUS YAY

and then Squanto met this guy who took him to London. Which was cool, because he knew England pretty well. And then he was asked to sail with some guys BACK TO AMERICA. And he said yes.

and then the captain of the ship recognized squanto lol whoops?????

AND HE WAS TOLD TO BRING SQUANTO BACK TO ENGLAND.

So one more time he was going to go back to America. And they were going to scout around Plymouth, which. You know. Just so happened to be where he used to live.

but

but

but basically



yeah

He showed up and THERE WAS NOBODY THERE BECAUSE THEY ALL DIED.

yep.

BUT THERE WAS THIS OTHER GUY NAMED SAMOSET THAT CAME ALONG LIKE “SQUANTO COME WITH ME”

and he did

So for a year he just chilled with these Indians for a little. And then he met the Pilgrims. And he didn’t really leave them.

AND HE TAUGHT THEM A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF BECAUSE THE PILGRIMS WERE KINDA SLOW AND DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO NOT DIE

and he taught them a lot about

everything

like gardening and scavenging and hunting and stuff.

AND THEN THANKSGIVING

it lasted 3 days and it was this big giant party. AND EVERYONE WAS INVITED. EVERYONE. IT WAS LIKE A GIANT POTLUCK AND EVERYTHING.

And there were also lots of people who wrote about it so yeah.

BUT LOL NO THEY DIDN’T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE NEXT WINTER AND SPRING A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED

yep

Squanto was a pretty cool guy though. Usually. He helped the Pilgrims a lot, but he spread some rumours and got in trouble.

THEN HE GOT REALLY SICK.

And died.

Wow ok that

was sudden uhm.

i’ll just.

AMERICA MAGICS AND COOL PEOPLE

SO TODAY WE’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT ‘MERICA ‘GAIN.

the pilgrims, specifically.

SO REMEMBER THE SERPERTARTRARAAERSATISTS? THOSE PEOPLE?

These were those people.

BUT WHY

because they wanted a nice little thing called

RELIGIOUS FREEDOM.

Now, a lotta people had come over looking for a little place called

CHINA. AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHINA, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GET THERE.

The Mayflower!

IT WENT FROM PLYMOUTH, ENGLAND TO NEW PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS.

and it started when these people were let’s start our own church yo. because ur not doin it rite so we’re

TAKING THINGS INTO OUR OWN HANDS

which they did. In Scrooby, England.

THREE GUYS. WILLIAM BREWSTER, WILLIAM BRADFORD, AND JOHN ROBINSON.

the king was this dude named

JAMES THE FIRST

james the first

KING OF ENGLAND

and when he was king there was a lot of hate for people who were anti-Church of England yep. which means persecution.

AND SO THESE THREE GUYS HAD TO MEET IN SECRET.

and church members were like getting all spied on and stuff. a few got tortured and stuff.

NO BIGGIE.

so the three people were like

TIME TO GO

so they moved to Holland!

WAIT NO THEY DIDN’T

that was their plan. they did not move to holland actually. it didn’t work whoops.

BASICALLY THEIR PLOT TO LEAVE GOT DISCOVERED AND THEY WERE THROWN IN PRISON. ACTUALLY A LOT OF PEOPLE GOT THROWN IN JAIL.

so there was another attempt to leave but it failed again

THEN THEY JUMPED ON A SHIP AND LEFT YEP.

but the authorities stopped the women and children???? wat

THEN THEY GOT LET GO LATER YAY AND EVERYONE WENT TO AMSTERDAM ABOUT THE SAME TIME JOHN SMYTH WAS THERE.

and then about 100 moved to Leiden. In Holland. And even though it wasn’t home, they had religious freedom. Which was nice.

THINGS STARTED TO STOP GOING AS SMOOTHLY AS THEY WANTED IT TO, THOUGH.

The people worked in factories instead of on farms. And they started. Like. Turning. Dutch. Instead of English. Which nobody liked.

AND BREWSTER WAS KIND OF IN TROUBLE FOR WRITING AND SENDING RELIGIOUS STUFF OVER TO ENGLAND.

whoops

SO THE SEPARATISTS DECIDED TO RELOCATE

they kinda just sailed over to america then and it wasn’t that bad.

BREWSTER WAS THE GUY WHO KINDA LED THE THING.

some merchants provided a boat called the Speedwell and failed over to England.

ROBINSON STAYED IN HOLLAND.

so they were in england and some Strangers (capitalized) were like HAY CAN WE COME WITH

BY THE WAY, STRANGERS ARE BASICALLY ADVENTUROUS BUSINESSMEN

this weird group over here were called the pilgrims. and theres something here not like fitting right ok

BUT ANYWAY THEY STARTED OUT WITH TWO BOATS. THE SPEEDWELL AND THE MAYFLOWER.

but you’ve probably never heard of the speedwell have you. have you. have you?

NO. YOU HAVEN’T. THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS OLD AND BASICALLY “LOLNOPE”

so just the mayflower went

BUT MOST PEOPLE GOT ALONG PRETTY WELL

and after 65 days at sea they saw land

LAND LANDLANDNLANDLNAL LAND LAND LAND LANDLANDLAND LAND LANDLANDNLANDLAND

• LAND
• lAnD
• laND
• LAND
• LANDLANDlandakandkWASKDJFHLAND

yeah they found some land

in massetchuses or however you spell it

INSTEAD OF VIRGINIA, WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LAND. BUT THE SHORE WAS REALLY ROCKY AND WINDY AND STUFF.

and so some guys signed the Mayflower Compact. Which said they were going to be “Self governed.”

“SELF GOVERNED”

and since they weren’t in Virginia, they weren’t under Virginia laws.

THEY NEEDED TO MAKE SOME LAWS THEN.

and so they wrote some and there was this guy they elected to be their first governer.

HIS NAME WAS JOHN CARVER.

and the Mayflower Compact being signed doesn’t really sound like a big deal??????

YEAH IT IS. IT REALLYREALLY IS. REALLY REALLY REALLY IS OK. IT WAS A BIGIBIGBIGBIGBGIGIGBIG DEAL YO. SRS BZNZ

the serparatists did

NOT IMPOSE THEIR FAITH AND RELIGION ON THE STRANGERS AND THE STRANGERS DID NOT FORCE THE SEPARATISTS INTO ANYTHING.

these people know what they’re doing.

SO THERE’S THIS GUY.

His names was Myles Standish. And he met the Separatists back in Lieden.

AND THEY VOTED HIM TO BE THE FIRST CAPTAIN.

but he wasn’t very good at native americans

MEANING HE KILLED THEM.

anyway after like 5 weeks he finally found a nice place for everyone to settle down

AND THEY DID SO.

the official date of their landing was December 26th, 1620.

THERE’S A ROCK AT PLYMOUTH WHERE A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THEY LANDED.

and unlike Jamestown, everyone was working nice and hard and stuff which is good

WINTER WAS REALLY HARD THOUGH BECAUSE EVERYBODY GOT SICK EXCEPT FOR 7 OF THEM LIKE SERIOUSLY THATS 102 PEOPLE MINUS SEVEN THAT’S SICK.

and 42 people died whoops

SO THERE WAS THIS INDIAN NAMED “SAMOSET”

and he said “welcome englishmen welcome englishmen”

JUST LIKE THAT AND THEY’RE LIKE “WAT”

because he was speaking english

AND HE BROUGHT THEM THIS GUY SQUANTO WHO SPOKE ENGLISH PRETTY WELL

and then he brought them the chief yep. he was nice though it’s cool calm yoself nothing bad happens

AND THIS GUY SQUANTO IS REALLY IMPORT AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE A WHOLE POST ON HIM HE’S PRETTY KICKIN

and in april of 1621 their governor died.

AND BRADFORD GOT TO BE THE NEW GOVERNOR AND HE WAS REALLY GOOD AT IT OK

well yeah

THE END????

HEY LOOK THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO COUNT UNLIKE THE 100 YEARS WAR PEOPLE

ok thiss is a long one BRACE YOURSELVES.

Because this was a war. A complicated one. With lots of nations and lots of fighting and balauhaluhah.

IT’S CALLED THE 30 YEARS WAR.

and basically the Catholics and the Protestants had a big fight.

and this is not one of those stupid ones where it’s like OK THIS WAR IS CALLED THE THIS-IS-HOW-LONG-IT-LASTED WAR BUT NOT REALLY. It actually did last 30 years yay.

Started in 1618. Guess when it ended.

OK SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE FOR A SEC.

The HRE wasn’t even actually a country. It was just. This area. And it had a bunch of countries which just kinda fell under the rule of this one government. THOSE WERE. AUSTRIA, BOHEMIA, FRANCHE-COMTE (whut.), GERMANY, LORRIANE, LUXEMBOURG, MORAVIA, SWITZERLAND, AND A PART OF HUNGARY. so basically that whole general area over there ok.

AND FOR ALMOST 400 YEARS THE HRE JUST KINDA HAD ONE FAMILY IN CHARGE. The Hapsburgs. this is important yo remember this.

and ANYWAY THE 30 YEARS WAR STARTED HERE IN BOHEMIA.

the people got angry and started throwing their officials out the windows.

welp.

i. welp. i. this seems like a good idea let’s just throw our elected officials out of windows that will solve ALL OUR PROBLEMS

oh by the way this happened twice.

SO THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE. SOME PROTESTANTS. AND SOME CALVINISTS. AND THEY DIDN’T LIKE THEIR CATHOLIC PEOPLE. SO THEY ALL JUST KINDA. THREW THEM OUT OF WINDOWS. ALONG WITH THEIR KING. Because he wanted to shut down their churches.

yep.

by the way everyone who got thrown out of windows lived. The Catholics said it was because of Divine Intervention. The Protestants said it was because they landed in manure.

i cant

AND THIS WAS CALLED THE DEFENESTRATION OF PRAGUE.

AND THEN A WAR HAPPENED. Because the elected officials were not happy being thrown out of windows.

war happened and the people were not happy with anyone so they just got their own king. And they were gonna replace the old king (Ferdinand) with their king (Frederick).

but so after he was kicked out he got elected to be the Holy Roman Emire.

WHAT.

So as emperor, Ferd (The new Holy Roman Emperor) ordered that Fred (The King of Bohemia) get off the throne.

Fred said no.

So Ferd sent an army of 25,000 men to make Fred not say no.

So Ferd just kinda. Made Bohemia Catholic again.

AND IF IT STOPPED HERE, THEN THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN A WAR.

but no. word spread that the new emperor did NOT like Protestants. And people started freaking out. And people started just talking bad out each other and then people started just straight up fighting and then THE DANISH INVASION.

So the King of Denmark. And his name was Christian IV. Chris. And Denmark wasn’t actually a part of the Holy Roman Empire. BUT THEY WERE STILL FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THEY WERE RIGHT THERE NEXT TO IT.

And they were Lutherans. And Chris just kinda led 20,000 men off to war.

yep.

Also Chris had to deal with the other guy named Tilly (ok no lie) who had that army of 25,000 who got Fred off the throne.

Chris also had to deal with THE BEST GENERAL FERD HAD named Wallenstien. Pronounced with a V. VALLENSTIEN.

He also had a really weird mix of Protestants and Catholics in his army, but he was a Jesuit so?????

Chris couldn’t really compete. So he gave up.

so he signed a treaty so he could stay king of Denmark.

AND AGAIN, THE WAR COULDA JUST ENDED.

But some Catholics came all whiny to Ferd like THESE PROTESTANTS STOLE OUR PLACE and he was like “OK PROTESTANTS YOU GIVE BACK EVERYTHING YOU TOOK AND ALSO ALL THIS STUFF.”

it did not go exactly as planned.

SO THE SWEDISH. They also were not part of the HRE????? But they also were really close????

So this guys named Gustavus Adolphus. he wa

kay hold up

THE HECK SORT OF NAME I CANT JUST I WHAT AWHAKWJETKDFG ok back to business

HE WAS THE KING OF SWEDEN. And he also had an army. WITH GUNS. New guns. Faaaancy guns.

So this Gustavus guy was pretty cool. He was like “OK WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT BRO” and he pretty much let whoever he conquered have whatever religion they wanted.

SO YOU REMEMBER TILLY.

He defeated that army.

and then Wall.

who he met.

AND THERE WAS A BIG FIGHT OK.

a big big big fight

and the Swedes were way outnumbered

BUT THEY WON ANYWAY

BUT THEIR KING DIED

welp.

OK NOW THERE’S STILL MORE.

AND FRANCE JUST DECIDED THEY’D GET THEIR BUSINESS ALL UP IN EVERYTHING

because they’re stupid ahohnonohoho stupid french

this is backwards

OK ANYWAY THIS GUY RICHELIEU.

He was this guy for the Roman Catholic Church. And he was in charge of running France because the king was a little boy. And for some reason he was supporting the Protestants?????

Because the war wasn’t about religion anymore. It was mostly power.

Rich was a cool guy. He didn’t try to take away any rights from the Protestants or anything.

AND HE JUST DIDN’T WANT THE HAPSBURGS TO TAKE OVER FRANCE BASICALLY. So he gave some support to the Swedish Protestant army.

SO ANYWAY FERDINAND APPARENTLY JUST NONCHALANTLY GOT OFF THE THRONE OR DIED OR SOMETHING? IT DOESN’T SAY BUT NOW HIS SON IS ON THE THRONE.

Ferdinand III. Nice name.

And he wanted peace too!

And the Germans were just like GUIZ STOP FIGHTING PLEASE OMG. because people just totally messed up germany nice goin guys

AND THE DECISION WAS MADE TO HOLD A MEETING BUT EVERYBODY HATED EACH OTHER.

and this meeting took like forever beacuse it took like 6 months (no lie) for everyone to figure out where to sit.

THE HECK GUYS /YOU ARE ADULTS/

anyway

after like FOUR YEARS they signed this treaty. Except for the Pope. and some other stupid people.

SO A COUPLE OF THINGS WERE DECIDED.

The Calvinists were given equal rights. Yay!


Sweden was given access to some rivers. So they could stay in the trade business.


France was given some land.

YEP.

THREE THINGS THE WAR DID TO EUROPE.

1: IT SCREWED IT WAY UP.

2: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT PACKING UP AND LEAVING GOING THE NEW WORLD.

3: A BUNCH OF PEOPLE ALSO SAID “FORGET EVERYTHING” and just didnt religion because OF STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS.

yep.

that was long.

and ended abruptly.

yeah.

lol idk how do i titles anymore

ok so you guys remember Pocahontas right.

OF COURSE YOU DO. HOW COULD YOU NOT.

Well she got married.

but actually she got kidnapped and married and then she had a baby

welp.

OK LETS RECAP

POCAHONTAS WAS A PRETTY PRINCESS

but actually not we’re not sure if she actually had that title

also pocahontas was actually her nickname which means “The Spoiled One” or “The Playful One”

so she wasn’t really princess like whoops

SO IT’S 1609. John Smith (Not Smyth.) got exploded almost so he got shipped back to England. But he was alive k. And then some jerks were like “HEY POCAHONTAS UR BOIFRUNDS DED”

i have no idea why.

AND THEN IN 1613 SOME STUFF WENT DOWN YO

there was this dude named Samuel Argall who bribed these people with a pot? He told them to get Pocahontas on his ship and they were like “K”

SO Sam just kinda decided to use her for a ransom deal thing.

however this didn’t really go over too well.

Because the chief, Pocahontas’ daddy, was like “NO I’M NOT PAYIN U NUFFIN BRO KEEP HER.”

so pocahontas just chilled with the people. Got moved around a bit. Got taught English and some basic Christian stuff. They were actually pretty nice to her ish?

She was also baptised. And she took the English name of Rebecca.

ok this is not how disney went and i dont really think anybody wanted it to go down this road??????

Except for Pocahontas/Rebecca, of course.

ALSO SHE GOT MARRIED. To John Rolfe. she pretty much only married him so se get get freedom lulz welp

but he did love her so that’s really nice because he wrote love letters and all of those sweet things aaaaaaaa

Also her dad was like “NUUUUU” and did not attend the wedding

AND THEN THEY HAD A BABY BOY

his name was thomas

He was probably a really pretty baby ok i’m just sayin i yeah ok.

And then John decided to take POCAHONTAS (shes still pocahontas to me k) to England. And their baby.

So Pocahontas also got 12 Indians to piggyback along with her.

SO SHE GOT TO ENGLAND And she was nice and wore heels and BIG PRETTY FRILLY DRESSES OK I LOVE THOSE K THE BIG FRILLY DRESSES WITH ALL THE FANCY OK sorrry ignore me ahaahaha

BUT She basically went along “When in Rome, do as the Romans” business.

also apparently she ran into john smith once whoops that must have been rlly rlly awk ahaha yeah awkward turtle “Uhm you got married and had a kid. “Uhm I thought you were dead.”.

BUT when they were gonna go back to England, she got sick. And she was only 20 or 21 and she got really really sick so she just stayed in England. And died. And was buried there.

Thomas and John Rolfe went back to America, but then they got in a fight with the indians where Pocahontas was from welp

yep

well

the best ending ever right here yep.

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.

"CANADA IS FINE," THEY SAID. "THE WINTER ISN'T BAD," THEY SAID.

SO THIS GUY

Sam. Samuel de Champlian. And this other guy Henry. They went to this magical place BUT HOLD UP

You remember Jacques?

he didn’t really settle in canada.

BUT HE DID SOME TRADING.

and if you lived in Canada (or do live in Canada.) you’re going to want to be warm.

SO HE STARTED A FUR TRADE~!

and this attracted some people

ONE OF THESE PEOPLE BEING SAM.

Sam was probably the most mentally stable person we’re talked about this far.

no u get out

No actually he was a nice guy. And smart. And he wanted to settle in Canada.

K FORGET ABOUT THE WHOLE MENTALLY STABLE THING no i’m sorry

He went to this little place called QUEBEC and build some buildings and made a moat. Right about the same time Jamestown was being settled, too.

And only 9 people out of 23 survived the first winter.

WELP.

He tried to meet some of the neighbours.

BUUUUUUT basically because of some reasons he got a lot of people mad at each other whoops.

And one thing that was nice about this guy is that he tried to understand the native Canadians. But that didn’t really work out so he just MADE FRIENDS YAY.

And his country France still wanted to find out HOW TO GET TO ASIA. But they didn’t really know how big Canada was. And also how remote Canada was.

BUT CANADA HAD A BUNCH OF STUFF? which might have been just as valuable as spices. And that was right. And Sam was all exploring and had a nice fur trade going. Most of the fur was Beaver. YAY BEAVERS.

so he chilled out with these people called the Hurons who was pretty cool people i guess.

He also wrote some pretty cool stuff. He was a Protestant Christian and he wanted to convert the indians but I don’t really know how well that worked out??????///?/?

SO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW HE WAS FRENCH?

ENGLAND DOESN’T LIKE FRANCE lolyeshedoesishipit

/cough

ANYWAY

so England just casually sailed over there and took Quebec and took Sam and probably locked him up in the tower of london becAUSE WHERE ELSE.

So Sam is referred to as the Father of new France. which is the French-speaking part of Canada. Well that’s nice.

and then he died. In Canada.

NOW ENGLAND.

They had a Canadaslporer too! Henry. Henry Hudson.

HE MADE 4 JOURNEYS TO CANADA. COUNT THEM ONE TWO THREE FOUR.

The first two were sponsored by this merchant company. Because LET’S GET TO ASIA GUYS.

So he was NOT BEING PUSHED OFF THE ISLAND BY THE GOVERNMENT.

so this first journey.

1607 LOOK A DATE. He only had 10 men on his ship and he sailed off to... China.

They did not make it.

THEY JUST RAN INTO GREENLAND.

So they just went home.

JOURNEY 2.

and on this one he recorded seeing a MERMAID.

which is so legit guys

did you know you can buy your own mermaid tail.

pretty dang awesome am i right. you too can be a mermaid. You can just buy it and put it on and then go swim around in your pool or the ocean note you still can’t breathe underwater oh shoot

get ‘em custom fitted and everything.

and in like 12 colours and you can even buy hand fins like their gloves with webbing between the fingers and face fins which don't do anything but they're pretty and I’M SORRY WHAT AM I DOING BACK TO THE STORY

THIRD VOYAGE.

SO HE WAS SAILING THIS JOURNEY UNDER THE DUTCH EAST INDIAN COMPANY.

WHICH WAS BASICALLY THE NETHERLANDS.

WHICH WAS TREASON.

But henry was like NO SCREW EVERYTHING and did it anyway.

So he sailed from Amsterdam to the north pole??????

To get to China???????

whut.

So he was just like NO FORGET THIS so he went south and hit South Carolina? And then Chesapeake Bay. Then he went north AGAIN and went into the Hudson River! This led him to New York.

Anyway.

FOURTH. VOYAGE.

This ship was called the Discovery and was THE INTERESTING VOYAGE.

Because he was being sponsered by the English. Again. So he went sailing off and kinda nonchalantly went into the Hudson Strait and into the Hudson Bay whee. And his crew was like “Whut.”

because he didn’t have anything to give to the asians to. like. get into their country.

SO MAYBE HE WAS ON A SECRET MISSION?

because he might have been looking for a place to put a port or something. Because he verryyy carefullllyyyy went along the very edge of the shore. and that might have been ok with that if THEY HAD FOOD AND WATER AND WARMTH.

and Henry wouldn’t sail home. And he wouldn’t tell anyone what he was doing.

and then MUTINY.

Because of hopefully obvious reasons.

Now there are stories that say they they lived or something. But there was a rescue mission and nothing was found.

welp.

The crew was arrested when they got home the England.

ahahaha welp.

that was an odd way to end this.