APPLAUSE AND CLIFFHANGERS YAY

I GOTTA FEELIN’ THAT THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE

because were talking about the english civil war

AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A CIVIL WAR IS, THEN GO GOOGLE IT GENIUS.

ok now this was pretty complicated

EVEN BETTER

so two guys!

KING CHARLES I AND OLIVER CROMWELL.

charles thought dictators were cool but it was hard for him to be one and oliver thought they weren’t but it was easy for him

THAT DIDN’T MAKE MUCH SENSE????

ok so a while back we were talking about elizabeth

SHE GOT KNOCKED OFF THE THRONE, AND THEN JAMES I WAS KING.

then he died as people tend to do

HIS SON CAME INTO POWER

his name was charles

AND HE WAS A LOT LIKE HIS DADDY

because he believed in the divine appointment of kings

MEANING HE THOUGHT HE WAS GOD’S GIFT TO HIS COUNTRY BASICALLY

now this is not a bad thing in and of itself but he was also one of those people who

THOUGHT EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS TRUE

ok thats wrong and england didn’t like it

ENGLAND WAS NOW CALLED AN ABSOLUTE MONARCHY.

so the people didnt really have much say in anything at all

NOW THEY COULD NO LONGER ELECT MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT.

now for those of you who dont know what parliament is go sit over with the “civil war wat” people and just google it

THE KINGS WERE SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THE PARLIAMENT FOR IMPORTANT STUFF

however guess how many times charlie here called parliament up all like “wat do hlap”

HE DID NOT ASK PARLIAMENT FOR THEIR SAY ON ANYTHING FOR 11 YEARS

this was not a good thing because lots and lots of money was spent on wars

WHAT HAPPENS WHENEVER YOU SPEND LOTSA MONEY ON WAR? TAXES!

thnx king charlie

HE DID CALL PARLIAMENT INTO SESSION ONCE. GUESS WHAT HE SAID. “AHSKDFJHAWKJEHNFKAJSDJ HALP WERE OUT OF MONEY GUYS THIS IS YOUR FAULT”

he had divided the members of parliament into two groups.

THESE TWO GROUPS HE HAD DIVIDED WOULD BE THE PEOPLE THAT LIKED HIM AND THE PEOPLE THAT DIDN’T. THOSE WHO BELONGED TO THE FIRST GROUP WERE CALLED “THE ROYALISTS” OR “THE CAVALIERS”.

they were called the cavaliers because they were. they. were cavaliers. and they liked the king yay question mark no thats a bad thing

AND AGAINST THE KING WERE THE “PARLIAMENTARIANS”. MOST OF THESE WERE PURITANS. THEY WERE NICKNAMED “ROUNDHEADS”

i dont even????? ok apparently they didn’t like the cool hair like the cavaliers and they looked like that one kid from that old nick show



look visual representation

IN 1642 THE PARLIAMENT WAS KIND OF TAKEN OVER BY THE ROUNDHEADS FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS

this was nicknamed the long parliament

CHARLES HAD NO CONTROL OVER THIS.

and now the war started

THE FIRST WAR WAS HELD IN THE SAME YEAR. IT WAS RATHER SMALL AND NORMAL PEOPLE STAYED OUT OF IT, MORE OR LESS.

however after a while they started getting involved.

THE ROUNDHEADS HAD FARMHANDS AND OTHER WORKING PEOPLE. THE CAVALIERS WERE NOW NOBLES, CATHOLICS... AND THE IRISH???

war raged on for a while

FOUR YEARS, TO BE EXACT. ABOUT TEN PERCENT OF THE POPULATION DIED.

and ok even though this is a civil war the scottish came

NOW THE ROUNDHEADS WERE BEING HELPED BY THE SCOTTISH

in the battle of nayseby some serious stuff went down

IN 1645, CHARLIE RAN AWAY TO... TO. TO SCOTLAND.

uh i dont get it why did he go there???

THIS ENDED THE FIRST CIVIL WAR.

while in scotland, charlie tried to kinda calm the scottish down? that didn’t really work. Nobody trusted him (duh) because he wasn’t really into the whole religious freedom.

THE SCOTTISH TURNED AGAINST CHARLIE

he eventually gathered up a little army.

THEN HE STARTED THE 2ND CIVIL WAR. IT LASTED LESS THAN A YEAR AND ENDED THE SAME WAY AS THE FIRST

lets have some applause for charlie here

CHARLIES WAS CAPTURED THIS TIME, THOUGH, BY THE SCOTTISH. WHO GAVE HIM TO THE ENGLISH. WHO ARRESTED HIM.

ok so these people from parliament showed up

THE PARLIAMENT DECIDED WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO CHARLIE. THEY THOUGHT KILLING HIM WAS A GOOD PLAN.

he was sentenced to death for treason hey at least it wasn’t heresy.

HE WAS PUBLICLY EXECUTED IN 1649.

now this should have ended the war right ok bad guy leader died now lets all sit back and drink tea in the rain and then 30 minutes later it'll snow and then 5 minutes after that it'll get sunny

HOWEVER, THERE WERE STILL TWO SIDES. THE IRISH DECIDED THEY WOULD JOIN THE CAVALIERS, AND THE SCOTTISH THE ROUNDHEADS.

so now that we got this under our belt, what about that other guy?

OLIVER. HE WAS BORN INTO A PURITAN FAMILY AND WAS PRETTY NORMAL.

he was a pretty chill guy who didn’t like politics much

THEN HIS BUDDIES SENT HIM OFF TO PARLIAMENT.

he had no training.

AND HE WAS A ROUNDHEAD, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A PURITAN. AND HE WAS ALSO A GENERAL. AND A SOLDIER. AND A STATESMAN.

even though he was poorly educated he was still really really good at those things

AND HE ALSO MADE SURE HIS SOLDIERS PRAYED AND WORSHIPED GOD.

because he believed that would make them good soldiers

THEY WERE NEVER BEATEN, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE USUALLY OUTNUMBERED.

and even though he was really awesome and stuff bad things happened

A MASSACRE HAPPENED.

yeah

CROMWELL DECIDED TO KILL A BUNCH OF IRISH. INCLUDING CIVILIANS. AND MOSTLY CATHOLIC PRIESTS. AND BY NOW ABOUT 2/3 OF IRELAND WAS IN ENGLAND’S HANDS. 600,000 PEOPLE DIED FROM EITHER DISEASE, STARVATION, OR JUST STRAIGHT UP MURDER/WAR.

gee cromwell sounds great

HE CALLED THIS GOD’S JUDGEMENT

oh even better

EVENTUALLY, HE HELPED PARLIAMENT ESTABLISH A COMMONWEALTH.

go join your civil war and parliament buddies at google. it’s fine. no rush. i’ll wait here.

THIS WAS GOOD FOR A TEMPORARY SOLUTION. BUT THEN OLIVE KINDA OVERTHREW THE COMMONWEALTH AND TRIED OUT A NEW PLAN.

he made this new form of government

THIS WAS CALLED A PROTECTORATE. WHICH WAS BASED ON A WRITTEN CONSTITUTION. GUESS WHO THE OVERSEER WAS?

olive

NICE GOIN’ OLIVE.

now the puritans were happy because they were ruled over by a puritan

HE MADE SOME MORAL LAWS THE LINED UP WITH HIS PERSONAL BELIEFS AND THESE WERE CALLED “BLUE LAWS”

because they were printed on blue paper

NOW HE WAS PRETTY OK MOST OF THE TIME, BUT HE STARTED KINDA ACTING YOU KNOW LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MONARCH???

wow hey standing ovation

HE STARTED KIND OF LIVING LIKE A KING.

some called him a dictator (hint he kinda was.)

HE KEPT HIS POSITION FOR 15 YEARS.

it was pretty hard on him because it was hard to keep everyone happy.

HE WAS NEARLY ASSASSINATED ACTUALLY AND LOTS OF PEOPLE REALLY REALLY HATED HIM.

then there was another change of government!

THEY GOT A KING BACK

BUT NOT BEFORE ANOTHER CIVIL WAR.

I SCREWED IT UP SIGH I HAD ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF IN CAPS AND THE LESS IMPORTANT IN NOT AND THEN I HAD TO SCREW EVERYTHING UP SIGH OK OH WELL ALRIGHT IT’S THE END ANYWAY

CLIFFHANGER I GUESS

i don't always stop posting and then randomly start again, but when i do, it's on the wrong day.

mom has specifically stated that i can’t but any bad jokes in here

sigh.

SO ANYONE HERE FROM THE GREAT STATE OF CONNECTICUT?

I SURE HOPE SO. BECAUSE YOUR STATE WAS FOUNDED BY A GUY NAMED THOMAS HOOKER

yep

SO HE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND. and he was a puritan. sort of. then he went to college and was a super puritan and started preaching

BUT HE JUST SO HAPPENED TO BE LIVING AT THE TIME WHEN THE ENGLISH CHURCH REALLY DIDN’T LIKE PURITANS.

and there was this mean archbishop who didn’t like him at all and tom here quit preaching but the guy was still like “NO I’MMA ARREST YOU BECAUSE I’M STUPID.”

So Tom went to the netherlands~!

but he was like “meh” so he WENT TO AMERICA.

but the archbishop still didn’t like him and actually followed him for a while until tom went out to sea

AND HE WENT THERE ON A SHIP NAMED THE GRIFFON. AND HE LIKED IT SORTA. HE WAS FORCED TO LIKE IT FOR 8 WEEKS, ACTUALLY. WHICH IS WHEN HE GOT TO SHORE.

so he kinda settled down in massachusetts for a little

THEN HE HAD A FIGHT WITH JOHN WINTHROP, THE GOVERNOR.

but what were they fighting over exactly

OK SO JOHN GOT ELECTED TO BE GOVERNOR LIKE 500 TIMES AND TOM WAS LIKE “UH THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM LATER. I MEAN IT’S NOT A PROBLEM NOW BECAUSE WE ALL LIKE YOU BUT”

because john had some sort of law or somethin’ that only members of the puritan church could vote

uh

ok now on paper this is a good idea but it went something like

“HEY, YOU DON’T BELIEVE EXACTLY WHAT I DO? PFFT TOO BAD YOU DON’T GET AN OPINION THEN!”

which was kinda ok because almost everyone was a puritan and the rest were strangers so

NOW WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED FROM HISTORY.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CHURCH AND GOVERNMENT MIX?

THAT’S RIGHT, PERSECUTION~!

the head of the church and the head of the government WERE THE SAME PEOPLE.

This was also the case in English. The exact. Same. Thing.

HEY GUYS WE LEFT EVERYTHING ABOUT OUR OLD LIVES BEHIND AND WE’RE GOING TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING HERE EXCEPT I’M RIGHT AND THEY’RE WRONG THAT MAKES IT OK.

now hooker here was like “uh excuse me this is a bad idea or at least it could be”

HE HAD THE IDEA OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!

and he’s probably turning somersaults in his grave right now

SO HE LEFT WITH ABOUT 100 SETTLERS TO START HIS OWN COLONY.

which was connecticut dear people who forgot

THE LAND THERE WAS REALLY GOOD AND THAT WAS GOOD

THERE WERE THREE SETTLEMENTS. ONE TWO THREE. AND THEY WERE FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM MASSACHUSETTS TO ALL COME TOGETHER AND START THEIR OWN COLONY. AND THE KING OF ENGLAND WAS LIKE “YEAH THAT’S COOL GO FOR IT GUYS”

he and some guys wrote down their ideas of freedom into “The Fundamental Orders of Connecticut” which was pretty cool

ALSO THE FOUNDER OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY WAS THIS GUY. SO A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, AT LEAST.

THINGS SOUND PRETTY NICE HERE RIGHT

nope suddenly indians

ONE TRIBE CALLED THE

CALLED

CALLED THE PEQUOTS DIDN’T LIKE THESE PEOPLE.

at all

like

some murder went down

some 9 murderers went down

and then some arson went down on the pequots

and also some murder of 400+ women, children, and men

pequots

guys no

guys

colonists guys no don’t burn down villages

don’t kill 400+ people

pequots colonists

ok

bad ending mode activate

SOME IMPORTANT THINGS YES GOOD TITLE PURITANS ARE COOL

SO THE PURITANS.

AND THE SEPARATISTS.

they werent happy with the church.

the Church of England, that is.

AND THE SEPARATISTS SAILED OVER HERE TO ‘MERICUH AND SUDDENLY PILGRIMS

so what about the puritans

These guys were the ones that wanted to fix the Church. And some of them did sail over the America. The Boston.

AND THEY DID THAT BECAUSE JOHN

all dese johns uh

THEY DID THAT BECAUSE WINTHROP.

k das beter

SO THIS GUY WAS ENGLISH.

and so about the time that winthrop here was old enough to like make his own decisions suddenly king charles

who didnt like puritans

at all

or the separatists

BUT BASICALLY JOHN DIDN’T WANNA BE A SEPARATIST

But if the Puritans kept. Like. Being Puritans. Then they could get in trouble

SO THE IDEA OF LEAVING THE COUNTRY STARTED SOUNDING REALLY NICE.

winthrop and some other guys went up the king charles all like hey can we just like leave so we can

uh

fish

that is the only thing were gonna do were just gonna fish ok

SO CHARLES WAS LIKE YEAH SURE WHY NOT GET OUT

And before anyone ever actually left they picked Winthrop to be their governor.

das coo

AND THEN THEY WENT TO SALEM. IN 1630. WOW LOOK ITS A DATE REMEMBER THIS STUFF

1630

THEY LEFT ENGLAND. IN THE SPRING.

this was a really really really big group of people ok

the biggest, actually.

like. seriously. 700.

which was a lot. it was the largest one that had ever sailed at the time ever.

BUT

so they left derp

They were pretty good at the whole living thing though. Because they were really nice to each other. HEY WE SHOULD ALL BE PURITANS what ok anyway

So John preached some before they left. And a lot of people heard. And then a lot of people were like THESE GUYS ARE PRETTY COOL WE SHOULD LEAVE THE COUNTRY TOO.

yeah.

BUT AFTER 72 DAYS AT SEA THEY FINALLY GOT THERE

and were really confused because there were only some huts and some tents on the beach

which werent really enough for 700 people

and there were only 82 people living there because over half the population had died or left

whoops

BUT IT WASN’T THE END OF THE WORLD BECAUSE THE PURITANS WERE REALLY HARD WORKING PEOPLE UNLIKE THOSE IN JAMESTOWN. LIKE. IT WAS LITERALLY A PART OF THEIR RELIGION TO WORK. THEY WERE LIKE. YEAH LETS WORK. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME.

yeah. forget that idea about becoming puritans uh

AND THEY WERE REALLY SUCCESSFUL.

and in the fall he moved to boston. which he helped build.

SO YOU KNOW HARVARD

6 YEARS AFTER THE PURITANS GOT THERE THEY BUILT IT

6 YEARS

6 YEARS

THAT IS REALLY REALLY FAST OK.

education was also really really important to the puritans also. like. these werent the LOL CANT READ OR WRITE BUT WORK REAL GOOD people no they were really smart also

das real coo

also this law that was made in the new world was pretty cool too i think

If a town has 50 families, they needed a teacher. To teach the students about Christianity.

And it was called the “Old Deluder Satan Act”

welp

THIS IS ACTUALLY P COOL GOOGLE IT SERIOUSLY IT’S AWESOME

and the puritans were also pretty cool. a lot of people don’t really get that? they’re like THEY WERE BORING AND STUCK OP no man the puritans were rad ok

SO WHAT ABOUT THE INDIANS.

Basically they were also pretty cool with the Indians. They shared Christianity with them and everyone was pretty happy. They also continued on surviving, and John Winthrop was elected governor ELEVEN TIMES

the Puritans in the new world went up to TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND

yep

basically

they did everything pretty well.

the end.

WELP THIS IS KINDA A LAME POST WHOOPS?

so apparently this dude was pretty controversial.

cool beans yo.

SO SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY THAT WE WAS THE FOUNDER OF THE BAPTIST DENOMINATION.

Whelp.

THIS DUDE IS NAMED JOHN SMYTH.

smyth.

yep.

SO ANYWAY WHO WAS THIS JOHN GUY.

He was an ordained pastor for the Anglican Church. The Church of England. The Church Henry VIII thought it would be a great idea to make to get rid of his wife. Even though his daughter Elizabeth was actually the one who really build the foundation for it.

so kay hang tight let’s talk bout some stuff.

IN THIS ANGLICAN CHURCH. There are two factions. Puritans and Separatists.

Puritans thought the Church needed to be fixed, basically. Basically they iconoclasts. DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. REMEMBER THAT. ICONOCLASTS. GO SEARCH UP ON HERE “Iconoclast Controversy” BECAUSE I WROTE ABOUT IT. COOL STUFF YOU GUYS. actually it was really bad lul w/e CHECK IT.

And the Separatists just were like SCREW EVERYTHING LET’S START OUR OWN CHURCH. they were persecuted. a lot. wonder why.

BTW NEITHER OF THEM ACTUALLY CALLED THEMSELVES PURITANS AND SEPARATISTS. that was a mean thing people like to call them who were neither puritans nor separatists.

AND TO COMPLICATE THINGS because things are a lot better complicated am i right THE SEPARATISTS ALSO WERE CALLED INDEPENDANTS, CONGREGATIONALISTS, AND BORWNITES.

and basically i threw all that on top of you TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING. That something is that THESE PEEPS ARE REALLY REALLY CONFUSING YOU GUYS.

NOW. WE KNOW WHAT THOSE TWO ARE AND THAT STUFF IS CONFUSING AS MONKEYS.

Now back to John.

He wasn’t very happy. He didn’t really like the church. So he just went and left. And therefore guess what people thought he was.

A SEPARATIST.

So he just got himself a new church. But it didn’t really go too well. Because they kinda got kicked out. SO THEY WENT TO AMSTERDAM.

which was actually good because it was a lot like the Church the Bible talks about for a lot of reasons i’m not going into because LAZY K IS LAZY WHOOPS except for one thing. The whole baptism thing. You don’t get baptised as a baby, you wait until you get saved and then you get Baptised. That was his belief. And some called him a Baptist and lots of people think he had the first Baptist church.

BUT.

THIS IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SOME PEOPLE DON’T THINK THIS COUNTS AS A BAPTIST CHURCH. Because of the whole Baptism thing. BUT I’M NOT GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT SO IF YOU’RE SUPER CURIOUS GO GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHIN.

but some people got mad at him due to the whole baptism thing. So they told him to leave. So he did. AND WENT TOOOO A MENNONITE CHURCH.

And then he died.

the end.