So books are fun, yeah? OF COURSE THEY ARE.
Well, our good frand Geoffrey was a story teller. He wrote books and told stories, and his most famous is The Canterbury Tales.
It opens up in Tabard Inn, London England. Everyone knows that the heroes meet up in the Tavern. I’ll bet you the inn keeper used to be, like, you know, a knight or a wizard or something and had some great quest for them to go on and-
Nope? Nobody? No one following me? Eh. Whatever.
There wasn’t even an inn keeper. I lied.
Anyways, there were 29 characters. Dood. Overkill much? Eh, it’s his book. Anyways, there were 29 everyday-type people.
What? No dragon-slayers? Not even any High Elves? Gosh. They meet in a tavern, but it’s a regular old inn-keeper. But there was a knight! YAY.
But this was a chivalrous knight. Not the kind that would run out and kill something, or go and do something brave and bold and heroic. Something.... Medieval quest-y. Eh.
There was a Nun.... ok.... That works. She was coy. And she had very very good table manners. Which he goes into. Great. Detail. On. Hmh. Well. We have a coy nun with amazing table manners, a Chivalrous knight. Ok.
We have a Wife of Bath. Who had 5 husbands in her whole life, and a lot of other boifrands earlier in her life. She had a really big hat. A really really big hat. And she was funny. So we have a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
We have a priest or something. He was a scholar without a lotta money. We have a poor Priest, a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
And we have a really. Really. Fat. Miller. A fat wrestler miller. Who told... interesting tales. He played bagpipes. We have a wrestler miller fatty drunk-bagpiper, a poor priest, a funny lover, a coy nun with amazing table manners, and a Chivalrous knight.
Woah.
So what are these guys up to? Did the Inn keeper actually go and send them on a quest?
lolnope.
They went on a pilgrimage!
They’re going to visit the shrine of Thomas Becket. A whole lot of people went to visit his shrine back then, so that was historically accurate. Apparently, it’s still a sight worth seeing.
SO THERE IS AN INN KEEPER.
The Inn Keeper comes up to them and sees them all sad. So he comes up and says “OY GUYS TELL STORIES ON THE WAY AND ON THE WAY BACK. I’LL GIVE THE BEST ONE A FREE MEAL.”
Eh.
He could have had a better quest, but you know. It’s historical fiction. Close enough.
So apparently, the whole thing is just a buncha stories within a story.
STORYCEPTION.
He only completed 1/5th of the book. Awh. Because he died before it could be finished D:
So yeah.
Uhm.
I might post a little book report on mah other blog. I might post it here. We’ll find out. For the time being, I have an amazing bowl of chilli-cheese tots I’m DYING to eat. They’re getting cold.
GOODBYE BLARGH.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
OH LOOK IT'S A SIGN OF GOD'S DISFAVOR WITH YOU.
Sooo I’ve never heard of this guy. But aparently, he was rullll important :3 SO LET’S GET IT STAHTED.
.-.
John Wycliffe was called “The Morning Star of the Reformation” lolwut.
That’s pretty and all, but... Uhm... what?
A morning star is a really bright planet that you see around sunrise.
Well, that’s helpful. *cough*SARCASM*cough*
So let’s talk about the Reformation!
John grew up in England, went to that big ol’ school called Oxford, and he was really smart.
BUUUUUUT
John was a walking ball of controversy. People who didn’t like him were the members of the Medieval Church. Well, the Church in general wasn’t too fond of Johnnyboi. They didn’t like what he said about the Church and their practices. He complained that Mr. P-to-da-ope lived a life of luxuryyy. The Church owned about 1/3 of all the property in England. woahwut. AND THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY TAXES. That’s like the Church owning all of Texas, Louisiana, Florida, and all they didn’t pay taxes in any of that. And they were FILTHEH RICH AND POWAHFU’.
So John didn’t like that. He also didn’t like the idea that the Church and Mr. P-to-da-ope could, get this, forgive sins.
No like. No likes.
He questioned the Church’s selling of Indulgances. waitwut.
GET THIS MAN.
AN INDULGENCE IS A LITTLE AUTOGRAPH THAT SAYS “YOU ARE FREE OF YO SINS MA BROTHAAA”
WUT.
WOAH.
THEY HAD TO BUY IT TOO.
Ok.
He also didn’t like how they worshipped Mary and the saints. He did not accept the way the Church did communion. Now communion is good and all, it’s nice, it is Biblical. That’s fine. BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAID THAT THE BREAD AND WINE WAS LITERALLY THE BLOOD AND BODY OF CHRIST. lolwut. And they said it was a REQUIREMENT of salvation.
But what bothered John the most was the way they handled the word of God. They did not only look at the Bible for reference, they looked at other books and they asked Mr. P-to-da-ope. Some beleived that man’s writing was necessary to understand the Bible, but not John.
To complicate matters, there weren’t too many Bibles. And the Bibles that were around were written in Latin, which nobody really read, much less spoke.
And here we be gettin’ fanceh. The King of England, Edward, liked John. He told John to go talk with Mr. P-to-da-ope. And John was over here runnin’ his mouth about the church and all that. So who likes John? NOT THE CHURCH! Yeah. So John, being the genius he was, decided to go have tea with the Pope. After they finished their conversation...
John lost his job and had all his writings burned.
lol.
Ironically, during another council to ban the rest of his works...
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE.
fullofwin.
So John’s over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH Y’ALL.”
So the Church is over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH YOU.”
Yeah.
So You know what John did?
HE TRANSLATED THE BIBLE.
So now the Bible is in English. However, John Wycliffe was never able to finish the work. He died of a stroke before it was finished. So someone else took up the job and that went really well. The people who followed him were called Lollards. LOL....LARDS.
They didn’t wear the big fluffy shirts like the average dress was at the time. They didn’t use a printing press, and every copy of the Bible they handed out was hand-written.
And then the Lollards were executed.
D:
They would not work with the Church, so they were considered Heretics. 31 years AFTER John died, some genius of a Pope DUG UP JOHN’S BODY AND BURNED HIS BONES.
lolz.
So back to his nickname! “The Morning Star of the Reformation.” The problems our friend found were pretty big. So John wanted to Reform the Church. The other people who wanted to do this were called Protestants. This became a HUGGGE MOVEMENT. But that’s another lesson.
Sooo... Yeeeahh...
The end.
.-.
John Wycliffe was called “The Morning Star of the Reformation” lolwut.
That’s pretty and all, but... Uhm... what?
A morning star is a really bright planet that you see around sunrise.
Well, that’s helpful. *cough*SARCASM*cough*
So let’s talk about the Reformation!
John grew up in England, went to that big ol’ school called Oxford, and he was really smart.
BUUUUUUT
John was a walking ball of controversy. People who didn’t like him were the members of the Medieval Church. Well, the Church in general wasn’t too fond of Johnnyboi. They didn’t like what he said about the Church and their practices. He complained that Mr. P-to-da-ope lived a life of luxuryyy. The Church owned about 1/3 of all the property in England. woahwut. AND THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO PAY TAXES. That’s like the Church owning all of Texas, Louisiana, Florida, and all they didn’t pay taxes in any of that. And they were FILTHEH RICH AND POWAHFU’.
So John didn’t like that. He also didn’t like the idea that the Church and Mr. P-to-da-ope could, get this, forgive sins.
No like. No likes.
He questioned the Church’s selling of Indulgances. waitwut.
GET THIS MAN.
AN INDULGENCE IS A LITTLE AUTOGRAPH THAT SAYS “YOU ARE FREE OF YO SINS MA BROTHAAA”
WUT.
WOAH.
THEY HAD TO BUY IT TOO.
Ok.
He also didn’t like how they worshipped Mary and the saints. He did not accept the way the Church did communion. Now communion is good and all, it’s nice, it is Biblical. That’s fine. BUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SAID THAT THE BREAD AND WINE WAS LITERALLY THE BLOOD AND BODY OF CHRIST. lolwut. And they said it was a REQUIREMENT of salvation.
But what bothered John the most was the way they handled the word of God. They did not only look at the Bible for reference, they looked at other books and they asked Mr. P-to-da-ope. Some beleived that man’s writing was necessary to understand the Bible, but not John.
To complicate matters, there weren’t too many Bibles. And the Bibles that were around were written in Latin, which nobody really read, much less spoke.
And here we be gettin’ fanceh. The King of England, Edward, liked John. He told John to go talk with Mr. P-to-da-ope. And John was over here runnin’ his mouth about the church and all that. So who likes John? NOT THE CHURCH! Yeah. So John, being the genius he was, decided to go have tea with the Pope. After they finished their conversation...
John lost his job and had all his writings burned.
lol.
Ironically, during another council to ban the rest of his works...
THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE.
fullofwin.
So John’s over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH Y’ALL.”
So the Church is over here: “OH LOOK IT’S A SIGN OF GOD’S DISFAVOR WITH YOU.”
Yeah.
So You know what John did?
HE TRANSLATED THE BIBLE.
So now the Bible is in English. However, John Wycliffe was never able to finish the work. He died of a stroke before it was finished. So someone else took up the job and that went really well. The people who followed him were called Lollards. LOL....LARDS.
They didn’t wear the big fluffy shirts like the average dress was at the time. They didn’t use a printing press, and every copy of the Bible they handed out was hand-written.
And then the Lollards were executed.
D:
They would not work with the Church, so they were considered Heretics. 31 years AFTER John died, some genius of a Pope DUG UP JOHN’S BODY AND BURNED HIS BONES.
lolz.
So back to his nickname! “The Morning Star of the Reformation.” The problems our friend found were pretty big. So John wanted to Reform the Church. The other people who wanted to do this were called Protestants. This became a HUGGGE MOVEMENT. But that’s another lesson.
Sooo... Yeeeahh...
The end.
Monday, August 29, 2011
O RLY? YA RLY. NO WAI!!!
Ok, so we’re back in China today :D So you remember the last time we visited this ol’ place? The Mongols were all up in derrr and stuffz. All right. We got that down.
So the Chinese didn’t might like that. However, the past few Mongol rulers after Kublai Khan weren’t that fierce. So the Chinese decided to overthrow the Mongols, and a Beggar Buddhist Monk drove them out. He took the throne and renamed himself Hong-wu, which means war-like.
He ruled China like a dictator, he considered himself a god, killed anyone who didn’t agree, and was a pretty great guy. Uhmyeahno. He was not a great person. He replaced China’s government and renamed the Dynasty “Ming” which means Bright. It lasted about 300 years.
The “brightness” of the Ming dynasty was evident. He set up a little *cough*UNDERSTATEMENT*cough* test for those who wanted to be in government or were in government. It was a crazy exam and some went insane or committed suicide. :D
Uhmyeah.
There was also beautiful artwork in the history of China. This Dyansty was known for the Blue and White porcelain too. There were amazing gardens, but the most special thing about the Ming dynasty was the architecture.
Well there was a palace in Bejing. It was a ~forbidden palacceee~ and only the Emperor, His family, and a VERY select few of his nobles could live there. The third emperor of the Ming came up with the idea of building the “Forbidden City”. It was to keep an eye on the Mongols, and a sorta revenge/na-na-na-na-boo-boo thing. He put it RIGHT ON TOP of the place where Kublai Khan’s Kourt was.
In reality, the Forbidden City was a City within a city within a city. INCEPTION. The outer city is exactly what it sounds like. It is to protect the center. It is surrounded by a GIANT wall that is still there today. Behind the outer city is called the Imperial City. It had large offices, parks, temples, and all that jayazz. Nice place for ceremonies. The Emperor liked riding through on an elephant. Uhmkay. And then within the walls of the Imperial City was the Forbidden City *fanfareee*. It was the most elaborate and the most beautiful. It is surrounded completely by a moat and huge walls. It is the largest palace in the world, and it covers 720,000 acres. Which is a WHOLE lot.
100,000 artists were employed to decorate the palace. Cranes, Turtles, and Lions were all over the place, which represented long life. 5 clawed dragons were also there, which symbolized power because all other dragons only had four claws. TROLOLO.
Even before the palace was built, it was planned and laid out with a whole lotta OCD-ness. It was planned to watch North, south, east, and west. Every line of every structure was planned to be in balance, each gate and space represented an organ of the body, and the 5 elements of wood, fire, water, metal, and earth were woven into it’s making. The numbers 9 and 5 were ~myyyysticalll numberrrrsss~ and they were features a lot on the inside and outside the palace. There were 9,999 rooms, there were 5 bridges that spanned the golden river, and a whole lotta other super intricate and thought-out stuff.
The Chinese would refer to the palace as the “Purple Forbidden City” It wasn’t purple. It was red and yellow. lolwut.
Anyways, it was called purple because that was a symbolic color for heaven and royalty. Hmh.
AND NOW-A-DAYS IT’S OPEN TO TOURISTS ;D
And it’s a museum nao.
Even though it was nice and protected, they still had enemies to fight. Only 6 of the 14 emperors that lived in the palace lived past the age of 40.
Maybe it was lead poisoning. MAYBE it was because the 5th letter of the alphabet is e and the 9th is i, so you only need a d to spell die. I THINK THAT’S THE REASON. But whatever.
It was not only the Emperor and his city that was forbidden. It was the entire empire that had this mentality of isolation and uppity-ness. Of course, this might be due to the fact that some people over from Europe weren’t the best influence for them. The Portuguese were traders came over to China to settle. No crime in that, amirite? WELL THEN THEY STARTED TAKING OVER TOWNS AND KIDNAPPING CHILDREN.
lolwut.
So then they just quit trading with outsiders. They quit sending out explorers, and the “Silk road” was shut down, and China learned to be self-sufficient. So China relied on nobody but themselves. odood. They took nothing and they gave nothing. Though things have changed. Just a little. *cough*UNDERSTATEMENT*cough*
So....
yeaaah....
Hmh.
The end.
So the Chinese didn’t might like that. However, the past few Mongol rulers after Kublai Khan weren’t that fierce. So the Chinese decided to overthrow the Mongols, and a Beggar Buddhist Monk drove them out. He took the throne and renamed himself Hong-wu, which means war-like.
He ruled China like a dictator, he considered himself a god, killed anyone who didn’t agree, and was a pretty great guy. Uhmyeahno. He was not a great person. He replaced China’s government and renamed the Dynasty “Ming” which means Bright. It lasted about 300 years.
The “brightness” of the Ming dynasty was evident. He set up a little *cough*UNDERSTATEMENT*cough* test for those who wanted to be in government or were in government. It was a crazy exam and some went insane or committed suicide. :D
Uhmyeah.
There was also beautiful artwork in the history of China. This Dyansty was known for the Blue and White porcelain too. There were amazing gardens, but the most special thing about the Ming dynasty was the architecture.
Well there was a palace in Bejing. It was a ~forbidden palacceee~ and only the Emperor, His family, and a VERY select few of his nobles could live there. The third emperor of the Ming came up with the idea of building the “Forbidden City”. It was to keep an eye on the Mongols, and a sorta revenge/na-na-na-na-boo-boo thing. He put it RIGHT ON TOP of the place where Kublai Khan’s Kourt was.
In reality, the Forbidden City was a City within a city within a city. INCEPTION. The outer city is exactly what it sounds like. It is to protect the center. It is surrounded by a GIANT wall that is still there today. Behind the outer city is called the Imperial City. It had large offices, parks, temples, and all that jayazz. Nice place for ceremonies. The Emperor liked riding through on an elephant. Uhmkay. And then within the walls of the Imperial City was the Forbidden City *fanfareee*. It was the most elaborate and the most beautiful. It is surrounded completely by a moat and huge walls. It is the largest palace in the world, and it covers 720,000 acres. Which is a WHOLE lot.
100,000 artists were employed to decorate the palace. Cranes, Turtles, and Lions were all over the place, which represented long life. 5 clawed dragons were also there, which symbolized power because all other dragons only had four claws. TROLOLO.
Even before the palace was built, it was planned and laid out with a whole lotta OCD-ness. It was planned to watch North, south, east, and west. Every line of every structure was planned to be in balance, each gate and space represented an organ of the body, and the 5 elements of wood, fire, water, metal, and earth were woven into it’s making. The numbers 9 and 5 were ~myyyysticalll numberrrrsss~ and they were features a lot on the inside and outside the palace. There were 9,999 rooms, there were 5 bridges that spanned the golden river, and a whole lotta other super intricate and thought-out stuff.
The Chinese would refer to the palace as the “Purple Forbidden City” It wasn’t purple. It was red and yellow. lolwut.
Anyways, it was called purple because that was a symbolic color for heaven and royalty. Hmh.
AND NOW-A-DAYS IT’S OPEN TO TOURISTS ;D
And it’s a museum nao.
Even though it was nice and protected, they still had enemies to fight. Only 6 of the 14 emperors that lived in the palace lived past the age of 40.
Maybe it was lead poisoning. MAYBE it was because the 5th letter of the alphabet is e and the 9th is i, so you only need a d to spell die. I THINK THAT’S THE REASON. But whatever.
It was not only the Emperor and his city that was forbidden. It was the entire empire that had this mentality of isolation and uppity-ness. Of course, this might be due to the fact that some people over from Europe weren’t the best influence for them. The Portuguese were traders came over to China to settle. No crime in that, amirite? WELL THEN THEY STARTED TAKING OVER TOWNS AND KIDNAPPING CHILDREN.
lolwut.
So then they just quit trading with outsiders. They quit sending out explorers, and the “Silk road” was shut down, and China learned to be self-sufficient. So China relied on nobody but themselves. odood. They took nothing and they gave nothing. Though things have changed. Just a little. *cough*UNDERSTATEMENT*cough*
So....
yeaaah....
Hmh.
The end.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
BRING OUT YER DEAD.
So everyone knows about the Black death. Kinda. People know about it, but not actually about it. If that makes sense. People don’t know a lot of stuff about it, but they just... nevermind.
Anyways. Symptoms included Vomiting Blood, large swollen glands about the sizes of eggs under the armpits and the groin area, and patches of blood turning *dark purple* under the skin.
:D
Yeah. Fun times. It affected everyone: Peasants, Kings, Doctors, Children, Women, Men, Farmers, everyone.
The Black Death is known to have been carried by rats. Actually, it was a little germ that was carried on fleas that hitched rides on rats. The fleas had the disease, and spread it to rats, which died. The fleas did not die, though. The little tiny germs just hung out in the flea’s belly, and didn’t effect it.
Once affected, people died within 1-5 days. So a lot of people were confused as to why, exactly, people were dropping dead in the streets. It was not contagious except for those who had their lungs infected because they’d breathe it into the air. Whenever towns became infected, people would flee (no pun.) into the next town, taking all of their flea infested belongings with them.
Kings and Queens locked themselves up in their castles, Priests in their Churches, Monks in their Monasteries, but that didn’t really help. People tried to burn it out of cities by burning the houses and clothes of the diseased.
It seems like it started somewhere in Asia, in the trading routes. Where there are ships there are rats, where there are rats there are fleas, etc. etc. Blah blah blah. Nobody figured this out until about 600 years later though.
The plague “started” in Italy, and you know how? The Mongols spread it on purpose. The made war on Italy, and the Mongols kick-started the Black Death. You now how? *They took dead people and catapulted them over walls.* Yeaaaah. So people were running away, taking the disease with them. So eventually it was spread all over the world. A lot of people died in not a lot of time.
So with a lot of people dead, the workers that were alive had to work a lot harder. Then they revolted. And so the feudal system fell apart.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end. o-o
WAAAAAIT!
There.
NOW WE’RE DONE :D
Anyways. Symptoms included Vomiting Blood, large swollen glands about the sizes of eggs under the armpits and the groin area, and patches of blood turning *dark purple* under the skin.
:D
Yeah. Fun times. It affected everyone: Peasants, Kings, Doctors, Children, Women, Men, Farmers, everyone.
The Black Death is known to have been carried by rats. Actually, it was a little germ that was carried on fleas that hitched rides on rats. The fleas had the disease, and spread it to rats, which died. The fleas did not die, though. The little tiny germs just hung out in the flea’s belly, and didn’t effect it.
Once affected, people died within 1-5 days. So a lot of people were confused as to why, exactly, people were dropping dead in the streets. It was not contagious except for those who had their lungs infected because they’d breathe it into the air. Whenever towns became infected, people would flee (no pun.) into the next town, taking all of their flea infested belongings with them.
Kings and Queens locked themselves up in their castles, Priests in their Churches, Monks in their Monasteries, but that didn’t really help. People tried to burn it out of cities by burning the houses and clothes of the diseased.
It seems like it started somewhere in Asia, in the trading routes. Where there are ships there are rats, where there are rats there are fleas, etc. etc. Blah blah blah. Nobody figured this out until about 600 years later though.
The plague “started” in Italy, and you know how? The Mongols spread it on purpose. The made war on Italy, and the Mongols kick-started the Black Death. You now how? *They took dead people and catapulted them over walls.* Yeaaaah. So people were running away, taking the disease with them. So eventually it was spread all over the world. A lot of people died in not a lot of time.
So with a lot of people dead, the workers that were alive had to work a lot harder. Then they revolted. And so the feudal system fell apart.
Uhm.
Yeah.
The end. o-o
WAAAAAIT!
There.
NOW WE’RE DONE :D
Thursday, August 18, 2011
CLIFFHANGEEEEER!!!
THESE LIARS.
So the 100 year war WASN’T ACTUALLY 100 YEARS LONG. Apparently, it was 116 years long. But 100 years just sounds better.
So this was all about revenge. England wanted revenge from the French. Why? Well, BACK IN 1066~ the French beat the stink out of the English! So England was pretty mad.
So, the king of France died, but he didn’t have a son. What happens if the king doesn’t have a son? OH GURRRL.
The king’s cousin, Philip VI, was in France, and his nephew, Edward III was in England. So they decided to battle for who would rule France. This was a perfect opportunity for England to get back at France too, even though the Battle of Hastings was, oh, ABOUT 300 YEARS AGO.
So Edward decided to stir up a BIG TUB-A STINK. He just got through making peace with Scotland, and now he decides to make a big war with the French. So he crosses the English channel to do it. And he sure did a good job. He beat the French in the sea, and on land. A factor in this was the English’s weapons. They had like a mega-crossbow, and the English used GUNPOWDER. STRAIGHT-UP GANGSTA YO. Even though the English had THOUSANDS of fewer soldiers, they still prevailed.
AND THEN THEY BOTH RAN OUT OF MONEY AND CALLED A TRUCE.
TROLOLO
“Hey man I’m outta money and I’m tired.”
“Me too.”
“Wanna call a truce?”
“Uhmsureynot.”
So after Edward III died, Edward, Prince of Wales ruled England. He was called the Black Prince because of his attire.
AND SO HE RESTARTED THE WAR!
TROLOLO
He captured the King of France (John II) and his son in the battle of Poitiers, pronounced PWA-TAYYY. As in PAR-TAYYY but different.
AND FRANCE WAS SO EMBARRASSED. And so they gave England some money and a lotta land and did a treaty. So England quick attacking them.
And so things went on... Some new people came to the throne, but they were children who didn’t know about the matters of war... AND THEN THEY GREW UP. They were greedy too. And the King of England was lyke “I WANT ENGLAND AND FRANCE.” And the King of France was lyke “I WAS FRANCE AND ENGLAND.” So they had a wedding! It never occurred to them that there would then be two kings, but that didn’t matter. The King of England, Richard II, was going to marry the daughter of Charles VII of France. She was Princess Isabella. How pretty :3
It says that Richard, at his time of marriage, was 29. There’s no problem with that.
But Isabella.... well.... She was about 7. Oh, did I mention she was his /second/ wife?
Eeejuhgeebuhgeebuh
Now this was political, aristocratic, blah blah blah. I’m still grossed out. So everything was peaceful, but everything wasn’t nice. Both countries were reallly poor. There was big-time looting, and a lot of farms were abandoned, which means less food, which means less people, which means a lot of different things. AND THEN THE BLACK PLAGUE DECIDES TO BREAK OUT. Yaaay.
AND UNDER ALL THESE CONDITIONS, WHAT IS THE LOGICAL THING TO DO?
BREAK OUT IN WAR.
The English King, Henry V, had this great idea. He wanted the throne of France, and so he started a battle. He had less than half the troops of the French, but they still won in /half an hour/. So he got the throne, married a girl to secure his place, and made the French sign a treaty that gave the crown to the English. Sir William Shakespeare wrote a play about this, entitled... Henry V. Yeah.
AND THEN HENRY DIED.
So back to war!
And along comes a little boy. Someone unsuspecting, a teenager. A French teenager.
A FRENCH TEENAGE GIRL.
CLIFFHANGEEEEER!!!
So the 100 year war WASN’T ACTUALLY 100 YEARS LONG. Apparently, it was 116 years long. But 100 years just sounds better.
So this was all about revenge. England wanted revenge from the French. Why? Well, BACK IN 1066~ the French beat the stink out of the English! So England was pretty mad.
So, the king of France died, but he didn’t have a son. What happens if the king doesn’t have a son? OH GURRRL.
The king’s cousin, Philip VI, was in France, and his nephew, Edward III was in England. So they decided to battle for who would rule France. This was a perfect opportunity for England to get back at France too, even though the Battle of Hastings was, oh, ABOUT 300 YEARS AGO.
So Edward decided to stir up a BIG TUB-A STINK. He just got through making peace with Scotland, and now he decides to make a big war with the French. So he crosses the English channel to do it. And he sure did a good job. He beat the French in the sea, and on land. A factor in this was the English’s weapons. They had like a mega-crossbow, and the English used GUNPOWDER. STRAIGHT-UP GANGSTA YO. Even though the English had THOUSANDS of fewer soldiers, they still prevailed.
AND THEN THEY BOTH RAN OUT OF MONEY AND CALLED A TRUCE.
TROLOLO
“Hey man I’m outta money and I’m tired.”
“Me too.”
“Wanna call a truce?”
“Uhmsureynot.”
So after Edward III died, Edward, Prince of Wales ruled England. He was called the Black Prince because of his attire.
AND SO HE RESTARTED THE WAR!
TROLOLO
He captured the King of France (John II) and his son in the battle of Poitiers, pronounced PWA-TAYYY. As in PAR-TAYYY but different.
AND FRANCE WAS SO EMBARRASSED. And so they gave England some money and a lotta land and did a treaty. So England quick attacking them.
And so things went on... Some new people came to the throne, but they were children who didn’t know about the matters of war... AND THEN THEY GREW UP. They were greedy too. And the King of England was lyke “I WANT ENGLAND AND FRANCE.” And the King of France was lyke “I WAS FRANCE AND ENGLAND.” So they had a wedding! It never occurred to them that there would then be two kings, but that didn’t matter. The King of England, Richard II, was going to marry the daughter of Charles VII of France. She was Princess Isabella. How pretty :3
It says that Richard, at his time of marriage, was 29. There’s no problem with that.
But Isabella.... well.... She was about 7. Oh, did I mention she was his /second/ wife?
Eeejuhgeebuhgeebuh
Now this was political, aristocratic, blah blah blah. I’m still grossed out. So everything was peaceful, but everything wasn’t nice. Both countries were reallly poor. There was big-time looting, and a lot of farms were abandoned, which means less food, which means less people, which means a lot of different things. AND THEN THE BLACK PLAGUE DECIDES TO BREAK OUT. Yaaay.
AND UNDER ALL THESE CONDITIONS, WHAT IS THE LOGICAL THING TO DO?
BREAK OUT IN WAR.
The English King, Henry V, had this great idea. He wanted the throne of France, and so he started a battle. He had less than half the troops of the French, but they still won in /half an hour/. So he got the throne, married a girl to secure his place, and made the French sign a treaty that gave the crown to the English. Sir William Shakespeare wrote a play about this, entitled... Henry V. Yeah.
AND THEN HENRY DIED.
So back to war!
And along comes a little boy. Someone unsuspecting, a teenager. A French teenager.
A FRENCH TEENAGE GIRL.
CLIFFHANGEEEEER!!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
THE LEFT HANDED HUMMING BIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUUUUN.
Ok so, you know Mexico? Of course you do. It’s kinda shaped like a shark and is filled with all these bronze-skinned people with a few white-skinned people and-
Oh wait, that’s America. Same difference.
But anyways, the capital of Mexico was Mexico City. You following? Is it to difficult? This is pretty deep stuff here man, if you need to take a break I understand. Try drinking some water.
Anyways, Mexico City was inhabited long ago by a people called the Aztects. Not to be confused with the Mayans, who wrote the 2012 theories. No no, the Aztects were the ones who were known for their brutal human sacrifices to their fearsome gods. YAAAY.
For a while they were nomadic. They were like most tribes, fighting for wives, prisoners, slaves, all that. However, they thought they were being led by THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNNN.
No lie. He was a left-handed (?) Hummingbird god, who was the god of war and the sun. I promise. His name was Huitzilopochtli, pronounced wee-tsee-loh-pohch-tlee. They believed they were being led to a special place by him, and they would know they were there when they saw a sign. What was the sign? An eagle eating a snake on top of a blooming cactus. Well then. (By the way, this is the symbol on the Mexican flag.) Well supposedly, they left their home island of Aztlán to follow Mr. Hummingbird. The island of Aztlan has never actually been found, so...
Anyways, in their search, they came under rule of another tribe. The chief of said tribe offered his daughter in marriage to the chief of the Aztec tribe. Now normally, this would be a wonderful, nice gesture. “OH, HOW WONDERFUL, THIS CHEIF IS OFFERING ME HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!” Well, in the wedding, while the father was arriving to see his little girl get married to /the/ chief, guess what?
HE FOUND HIM CUTTING HER HEART OUT AND OFFERING IT AS A GLORIOUS SACRIFICE TO THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNN.
:D
For some reason, the chief and father did not find this pleasing. Hmh. How odd.
Of course, this might be the chief’s fault. I mean, HE offered his daughter. You have to think ahead! I mean, MAYBE this guy MIGHT offer my daughter’s heart as a GLORIOUS SACRIFICE TO THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNN.
But anyways, after they were thrown out of the tribe by the daughterless-chief, they went off and kept looking for their eagle eating a snake on top of a flowering cactus. So somehow, they found said eagle. Don’t ask me how, but I’m thinking it might have been a hallucination from the heat or something. I dunno. But they had very strict rules and very structured lives.
The average day of an Aztec started with the blowing of a conch-shell and the beating of drums.
A woman would start grinding some corn. FOR TORTILLAS. OMNOMNOM.
Ahhahaha. A man would take a lovely steam bath, and then go off to work in the fields. The city in which they lived was actually pretty swampy. It was pretty wet, so they had plots of a lot of mud and trees growing all around said plot of mud. PICTURE TAYM.
That’s what it looked like. Canal boats were used to cross between each of them. Some of these things are still in existence today.
About 10:00 in the morning, the conches are blown again. FOOD TAYM. They probably went back to work after that, and then in the after noon this was done again for a big community meal.
They would eat chilies, veggies, fruits, fish, turtles, frogs, snakes, a buncha stuffz. Something interesting is that food was portioned to age. A 3 year old would get a half-tortilla, 5-6 would get a whole, 6-12 would get one and a half, and 13 and up wold get two.
Children would work. Hard. Laziness was not tolerated, and they’d get punished severely. They’d prick them with cactus needles, make them inhale smoke from chillies, and they’d be tied up overnight and thrown in a mud puddle.
Poor boys would learn to fight and farm, and rich boys would learn astrology, history, fighting, warrior-skills and dream-interpretation. The rich boy wuld give blood offerings at school, bathe in cold water, and fast. Bravery was valued by the rich and the poor. Also, when one captured a soldier in war, they could advance into society and cut a long strand of hair in the back.
Noblemen played a game like basketball. It was that one game they have in The Road to El Dorado, you know? That that that one....
I can't find a good picture of it. It's called Ullamaliztli. And it is srsbrsns. IF you lost, you died.
Men were normally married by the age of 20 to a girl around 16, whose arms were covered in red feathers. Hmh.
Women would sew, cook, and shop at a market.
Before the night ended, a man would sharpen his tools and work on his home. Normal homes were mud houses with dirt floors, but noblemen had adobe-style houses. The night ended with... A CONCH-SHELL.
Besides a strict time guide, they also had a strict clothing guide. Each of the three classes had different styles. Nobility had long, soft capes and wore sandals. They had a piercing below the lip, sorta on the chin-area. Most people had earrings, but only kings could wear turquoise earrings. OHGURL LOOK AT MAH TURQUISE EARRINGS DON’T I LOOK FABULOUS~
Commoners wore shorter cloaks, which could only rise ABOVE THE ANKLE. NO LOWER THAN THE ANKLE. OR ELSE. Or else what? YOU MUST SHOW YOUR ANKLES, AND IF YOU DON’T THERE IS A PENALTY OF DEATH. Or was, at least. NO LONG CLOAKS FOR YOU. And they were made out of cactus fibers. Not the prickly fibers though! The ok-kind.
The slaves, the lowest class, wore the shortest and the most uncomfortable clothes. Men wore loin-cloths. You know what that is.
Also, hair was interesting. Single wome-
.-.
Single women worse her hair long and free. However, married women wore their hair up in two wrapped braids that ended at the side of her head.
So, we learned that human sacrifice was common, right? Right. Well, why did they preform it? Because they were under the belief that the sun would cease to shine if they didn’t. Sometimes Cannibalism was a part of their rituals. The priests who preformed said rituals were dark-robes and stunk of blood for obvious reasons, so they burned incense all the time.
Something very interesting is that they believed that death/sacrifice was necessary for their redemption, saving, and general life for all of humanity.
SO. WE END ON DEATHS OF THOUSANDS AND AN INTERESTING FACT.
HMH.
Oh wait, that’s America. Same difference.
But anyways, the capital of Mexico was Mexico City. You following? Is it to difficult? This is pretty deep stuff here man, if you need to take a break I understand. Try drinking some water.
Anyways, Mexico City was inhabited long ago by a people called the Aztects. Not to be confused with the Mayans, who wrote the 2012 theories. No no, the Aztects were the ones who were known for their brutal human sacrifices to their fearsome gods. YAAAY.
For a while they were nomadic. They were like most tribes, fighting for wives, prisoners, slaves, all that. However, they thought they were being led by THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNNN.
No lie. He was a left-handed (?) Hummingbird god, who was the god of war and the sun. I promise. His name was Huitzilopochtli, pronounced wee-tsee-loh-pohch-tlee. They believed they were being led to a special place by him, and they would know they were there when they saw a sign. What was the sign? An eagle eating a snake on top of a blooming cactus. Well then. (By the way, this is the symbol on the Mexican flag.) Well supposedly, they left their home island of Aztlán to follow Mr. Hummingbird. The island of Aztlan has never actually been found, so...
Anyways, in their search, they came under rule of another tribe. The chief of said tribe offered his daughter in marriage to the chief of the Aztec tribe. Now normally, this would be a wonderful, nice gesture. “OH, HOW WONDERFUL, THIS CHEIF IS OFFERING ME HIS BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!” Well, in the wedding, while the father was arriving to see his little girl get married to /the/ chief, guess what?
HE FOUND HIM CUTTING HER HEART OUT AND OFFERING IT AS A GLORIOUS SACRIFICE TO THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNN.
:D
For some reason, the chief and father did not find this pleasing. Hmh. How odd.
Of course, this might be the chief’s fault. I mean, HE offered his daughter. You have to think ahead! I mean, MAYBE this guy MIGHT offer my daughter’s heart as a GLORIOUS SACRIFICE TO THE ALMIGHTY LEFT-HANDED HUMMINGBIRD GOD OF WAR AND THE SUNNN.
But anyways, after they were thrown out of the tribe by the daughterless-chief, they went off and kept looking for their eagle eating a snake on top of a flowering cactus. So somehow, they found said eagle. Don’t ask me how, but I’m thinking it might have been a hallucination from the heat or something. I dunno. But they had very strict rules and very structured lives.
The average day of an Aztec started with the blowing of a conch-shell and the beating of drums.
A woman would start grinding some corn. FOR TORTILLAS. OMNOMNOM.
Ahhahaha. A man would take a lovely steam bath, and then go off to work in the fields. The city in which they lived was actually pretty swampy. It was pretty wet, so they had plots of a lot of mud and trees growing all around said plot of mud. PICTURE TAYM.
That’s what it looked like. Canal boats were used to cross between each of them. Some of these things are still in existence today.
About 10:00 in the morning, the conches are blown again. FOOD TAYM. They probably went back to work after that, and then in the after noon this was done again for a big community meal.
They would eat chilies, veggies, fruits, fish, turtles, frogs, snakes, a buncha stuffz. Something interesting is that food was portioned to age. A 3 year old would get a half-tortilla, 5-6 would get a whole, 6-12 would get one and a half, and 13 and up wold get two.
Children would work. Hard. Laziness was not tolerated, and they’d get punished severely. They’d prick them with cactus needles, make them inhale smoke from chillies, and they’d be tied up overnight and thrown in a mud puddle.
Poor boys would learn to fight and farm, and rich boys would learn astrology, history, fighting, warrior-skills and dream-interpretation. The rich boy wuld give blood offerings at school, bathe in cold water, and fast. Bravery was valued by the rich and the poor. Also, when one captured a soldier in war, they could advance into society and cut a long strand of hair in the back.
Noblemen played a game like basketball. It was that one game they have in The Road to El Dorado, you know? That that that one....
I can't find a good picture of it. It's called Ullamaliztli. And it is srsbrsns. IF you lost, you died.
Men were normally married by the age of 20 to a girl around 16, whose arms were covered in red feathers. Hmh.
Women would sew, cook, and shop at a market.
Before the night ended, a man would sharpen his tools and work on his home. Normal homes were mud houses with dirt floors, but noblemen had adobe-style houses. The night ended with... A CONCH-SHELL.
Besides a strict time guide, they also had a strict clothing guide. Each of the three classes had different styles. Nobility had long, soft capes and wore sandals. They had a piercing below the lip, sorta on the chin-area. Most people had earrings, but only kings could wear turquoise earrings. OHGURL LOOK AT MAH TURQUISE EARRINGS DON’T I LOOK FABULOUS~
Commoners wore shorter cloaks, which could only rise ABOVE THE ANKLE. NO LOWER THAN THE ANKLE. OR ELSE. Or else what? YOU MUST SHOW YOUR ANKLES, AND IF YOU DON’T THERE IS A PENALTY OF DEATH. Or was, at least. NO LONG CLOAKS FOR YOU. And they were made out of cactus fibers. Not the prickly fibers though! The ok-kind.
The slaves, the lowest class, wore the shortest and the most uncomfortable clothes. Men wore loin-cloths. You know what that is.
Also, hair was interesting. Single wome-
.-.
Single women worse her hair long and free. However, married women wore their hair up in two wrapped braids that ended at the side of her head.
So, we learned that human sacrifice was common, right? Right. Well, why did they preform it? Because they were under the belief that the sun would cease to shine if they didn’t. Sometimes Cannibalism was a part of their rituals. The priests who preformed said rituals were dark-robes and stunk of blood for obvious reasons, so they burned incense all the time.
Something very interesting is that they believed that death/sacrifice was necessary for their redemption, saving, and general life for all of humanity.
SO. WE END ON DEATHS OF THOUSANDS AND AN INTERESTING FACT.
HMH.
Monday, August 8, 2011
TEH LITTLE BIRDIES.
Kay, so we got Thomas Aquinas. We got Marco Polo. We got Roger Bacon. A Philosopher, a merchant, and a scholar. All pretty awsum peeps, amirite?
Well let’s add one more awsum peep.
His name was Dante, and he was a poet. But he didn’t have a very easy childhood, because his muhmmy died when he was real little.
But when he was nayn...
He met a girl :3
A pretty little girl.
So apparently they got separated or something. But when he was 18 he met her again, and he loved her. YAY. For years, Dante wrote about love for her and all that nice stuff.
But then Beatrice, the girl, went off and got married to someone else.
D’AWW D:
But then she died.
D’AWW D:
She was only 24.
He still wrote about his love for her, but he didn’t use her name. He wrote about her entrance into heaven, which I’m not going to put here because it’s really really long.
AND THEN HE MET ANOTHER GIRL.
Her name was Gemma. They got married and had had children. Awwh :3
Dante was also a bit of a scholar. He also liked philosophy, but he found politics more interesting. He believed that the emperor should have more power than the pope, and this caused him to be exiled from his home, Italy :c
Later in his life, he wrote his most known work, The Divine Comedy. He wrote it based off the number 3 because of the Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
There are 3 parts, each having 33 cantos, which is the number of years Christ lived on earth. OHBOI U BETTER BELIEVE WE IN SOME DEEP STUFF.
Each canto had 3 lines, where every other line rhymes.
The actual content is basically a tour of the afterlife. Or at least how he believed the afterlife to be. The first part is called Dante’s Inferno, where he describes Hell in /gory/ detail. Yayyy~ :3 He went through nyan levels of a pit with a Roman poet named Virgil. Something kinda creepy is that he uses names of /real people/. He freely tells the world who he thinks will burn and is burning in the eternal flame that is Hell. WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY. He places the people of lesser evil in the “top” of Hell, and the ones of higher evil in the bottom middle heart-ish area. So now you get to know JUST HOW BAD Dante thinks you are! How wonderful!
Oh! He also wrote about seeing a few Popes down there! THE CHURCH MUST’A LOVED THAT.
The second part of the poem was called Purgatory. For those of you who don’t know, Purgatory is (supposedly) a place between Heaven and Hell where a Christian soul goes to have them cleansed of the sins that were still there. However, that is not Biblically sound. Now I don’t wanna go all theology in this lesson, but Christ died for all of our sins, not just some of them. Sooo you can’t really get your soul cleansed if it’s already clean, ya know? But you know what’s really funny? What’s really funny? Going up to these people who are all “OH C. S. LEWIS WAS SUCH A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAN AND AL THAT JAZZ AND HE WAS SUCH A STRONG CHIRSTIAN AND HE WAS SO GREAT AND-” “Hey, you know something about C. S. Lewis?” “YA WHAT?” “HE USED TO BE A SUPER-ATHEIST AND BELIEVED IN PURGATORY AFTER HE BECAME A CHRISTIAN.” “...”
I know, it’s mean, but sometimes it can be funny.
So like in Hell, there are nyan levels. He starts at the bottom and has to work his way to the top. This also is not Biblically sound, because one is saved by faith, not works.
The third part of his poem was called Paradisio, or paradise. This was Dante’s idea of Heaven, and guess who led him through Heaven? Beatrice :3 AWWW :D
So she led him through, you guessed it, nyan levels of heaven, each with increasing beauty and splendour and all that jayazz.
Soerm.
Anti-climatic amirite.
Well let’s add one more awsum peep.
His name was Dante, and he was a poet. But he didn’t have a very easy childhood, because his muhmmy died when he was real little.
But when he was nayn...
He met a girl :3
A pretty little girl.
So apparently they got separated or something. But when he was 18 he met her again, and he loved her. YAY. For years, Dante wrote about love for her and all that nice stuff.
But then Beatrice, the girl, went off and got married to someone else.
D’AWW D:
But then she died.
D’AWW D:
She was only 24.
He still wrote about his love for her, but he didn’t use her name. He wrote about her entrance into heaven, which I’m not going to put here because it’s really really long.
AND THEN HE MET ANOTHER GIRL.
Her name was Gemma. They got married and had had children. Awwh :3
Dante was also a bit of a scholar. He also liked philosophy, but he found politics more interesting. He believed that the emperor should have more power than the pope, and this caused him to be exiled from his home, Italy :c
Later in his life, he wrote his most known work, The Divine Comedy. He wrote it based off the number 3 because of the Trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
There are 3 parts, each having 33 cantos, which is the number of years Christ lived on earth. OHBOI U BETTER BELIEVE WE IN SOME DEEP STUFF.
Each canto had 3 lines, where every other line rhymes.
The actual content is basically a tour of the afterlife. Or at least how he believed the afterlife to be. The first part is called Dante’s Inferno, where he describes Hell in /gory/ detail. Yayyy~ :3 He went through nyan levels of a pit with a Roman poet named Virgil. Something kinda creepy is that he uses names of /real people/. He freely tells the world who he thinks will burn and is burning in the eternal flame that is Hell. WHAT A THOUGHTFUL GUY. He places the people of lesser evil in the “top” of Hell, and the ones of higher evil in the bottom middle heart-ish area. So now you get to know JUST HOW BAD Dante thinks you are! How wonderful!
Oh! He also wrote about seeing a few Popes down there! THE CHURCH MUST’A LOVED THAT.
The second part of the poem was called Purgatory. For those of you who don’t know, Purgatory is (supposedly) a place between Heaven and Hell where a Christian soul goes to have them cleansed of the sins that were still there. However, that is not Biblically sound. Now I don’t wanna go all theology in this lesson, but Christ died for all of our sins, not just some of them. Sooo you can’t really get your soul cleansed if it’s already clean, ya know? But you know what’s really funny? What’s really funny? Going up to these people who are all “OH C. S. LEWIS WAS SUCH A GOOD CHRISTIAN MAN AND AL THAT JAZZ AND HE WAS SUCH A STRONG CHIRSTIAN AND HE WAS SO GREAT AND-” “Hey, you know something about C. S. Lewis?” “YA WHAT?” “HE USED TO BE A SUPER-ATHEIST AND BELIEVED IN PURGATORY AFTER HE BECAME A CHRISTIAN.” “...”
I know, it’s mean, but sometimes it can be funny.
So like in Hell, there are nyan levels. He starts at the bottom and has to work his way to the top. This also is not Biblically sound, because one is saved by faith, not works.
The third part of his poem was called Paradisio, or paradise. This was Dante’s idea of Heaven, and guess who led him through Heaven? Beatrice :3 AWWW :D
So she led him through, you guessed it, nyan levels of heaven, each with increasing beauty and splendour and all that jayazz.
Soerm.
Anti-climatic amirite.
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